My husband spent years telling people he had a problem and seeking recommendations before he actually DID anything about the problem.

He's got a long road ahead of him. If he's serious, he'll fix it. But don't expect it to be a quick fix.

Your emotions are trying to protect you. Listen to them.

If he's serious, and does what it takes, then you will fall back in love with him. And you will be more in love with him than you were before. It's going to be up to him to create those feelings in you.

Thanks for this. This is exactly how I feel, but when he was being so sweet and really trying. He was wanting me to show him that I felt really close to him the same way he did, and didn't seem to understand why I wasn't "getting better" since he was being so kind.

Oh man, this made me sick to my stomach.....

My ex demanded me act all loving immediately after beating me, but since he apologized, all should be well once certain words are spoken.
Sorry, thats my own story & your H should not be putting ANY pressure on you to act close & don't do it! Policy of radical honesty... Be honest with your reaction & feelings without LB him. It bothers me to be close, to kiss, to fill in the blank. Remember "it bothers me"
If he starts to act hurt & punish you- thats an AO- separate!

What is your plan when DR H says the VERY next time he is angry to separate & he is only a "little" angry?
You need to be prepared to leave. At any moment.

*have you told your parents???? *
Why did you try to leave alone?

Next time- do NOT see him before you leave, that was a mistake.
Do not leave alone so you have support & wont end up "I didn't know what to do" again.
This is why I told you to have them come help.
Your H could still be doing all this work to prove himself while you & the kids are safe.
In reality, Dr H told me separation should not stop the serious guy from doing what it takes but it weeds out the unserious Really fast.

QFT

A good man will do what it takes to win his way home. If he doesn't, he wasn't worth keeping.

That's just an abuse and control tactic.

Nobody would go to their bank with a $10,000 debt in the hole and late, make a $100 payment, and expect the bank to restore normal relations.

Keep your finger on the trigger! Have a plan prepared and be ready to execute it at any time.

Thanks for this! It is so accurate to how I am feeling.

To be honest, I had no intention of seeing him. Yes we were going to be at the football stadium at the same time, but he has never once in ten years came down from the press-box to talk to me, no matter what. If I would have known he was going to do this; I probably would have had a different plan. I only went there to do my job for teacher appreciation night.

Before going to the game I was in a big rush with the kids. I wanted to get up there, make my appearance, and then I was going to call my mom on the way back to the house to pack a couple bags and go. Since he gets home really late on those nights, I thought there would be plenty of time.

I think he really feels like me not being loving and affectionate is a love buster for him. And how can I expect him to stop his negative actions if I won't fix what I am doing wrong. (in his mind) I have tried to explain that there are layers of hurt that he is going to have to peel away for me to feel that loving again, and he gets upset and ask how long is it going to take.

I have been much better about walking away, not yelling, calling names, etc. I did end up calling him a jerk the other day, but one name throughout many arguments is an improvement for me.

Not meeting his needs because he is abusive is not a love buster. That is a creepy manipulation of the concepts. Making selfish demands on you is a love buster. He should never expect you to make sacrifices or meet his needs in a way that makes you sick. If he wants you to be affectionate and loving, then he needs to create an environment that makes that possible. Being controlling and abusive will never lead to a loving, affectionate marriage. It will lead to separation.


What you should do is move out if he doesn't stop. Like the others have said, you should make plans to move out if he doesn't stop.

He can talk this over with Dr. Harley, not you. Stop engaging in these conversations. It's just another way for him to control you.

I worked for several years counseling victims of domestic abuse. I know your H has not to date been physically abusive, but he displays SO MANY behaviors that I have seen a million times in these unstable relationships. His pattern of abuse you - you get upset - he says he is sorry and begs you to stay...his loving nature after abuse (which seem to make you feel loved and cherished, without realizing just how skewed of thinking this is)...his threats of suicide, etc. if you leave...

The comment I quoted above is just another example. The mentality that his abuse is caused by you not behaving appropriately, it is a standard in every abuse situation I have worked with. Somehow, his behavior is your fault, and if you just did the right thing, behaved how he wanted, then he would not be forced to abuse you.

I really want you to see the seriousness of this. You are a stone's throw away from a trip to the ER or worse.

Thank you. I guess the fact that he stops short of hitting me, makes it much harder to leave. There have been times I actually wished he would hurt me, just so I could justify leaving. I know that sounds horrible, but I have really felt that way, like it would be easier to get through physical abuse than emotional hell.

The behavior being "my fault" statement that you wrote above is exactly how he feels. He does not think it is abusive though, I think he truly believe majority of his behaviors are justified. Only when he really crosses the line (more than usual) does he admit that I didn't deserve whatever happened that time.

Everyone seems to think that he is going to end up hurting me eventually. If he has a point he stops at all through the years, what lets you know that it won't just continue like this forever?

Would you load a gun up with one bullet and keep pulling the trigger, because there is a *chance* that you will never get the bullet? That is exactly what you are doing. Abuse and control escalates. He is already escalating since you have started 'acting different' and he is tipped off to the fact that you are considering separation.

And what if it doesn't, and it just stays this way for the rest of your life. Is that the kind of life you want to live? Is that the kind of family you want to raise your children in?

Thank you, I wasn't saying that I was ok with staying like we are for the rest of our life's. I am not alright with that at all. And I won't live that way forever, it has gone on long enough. Even though the issues have always been there, they have gotten much worse in the last few years, I would never have lasted 12 years of this.

And no, I do not want my boys to grow up in this environment. I will not stay if the changes do not last. Although we have argued some in the last few days, none of them have escalated like they typically do.

I was only asking if, in y'alls experience, there were red flags for the men (or women) who eventually escalated to violence (even after years of mental abuse / without physical)?

I cannot speak for others, only for myself with my experience in domestic violence. Yes there are many red flags for someone who is capable of physical abuse. Most relationships do not start out with a beating on the first date. They escalate over the course of sometimes years. Your H displays the same behaviors as a physically abusive person, whether he is there yet or not, or whether he never gets there. But lets not speculate on what will or will not happen in the future and get caught up in that. I am simply trying to get you to see the seriousness of some of his behavior. Lets look again at what is happening NOW.

Your husband is already abusive. Maybe not physically, maybe never physically. You are unhappy. He is either willing to change the behavior that is abusive and transform your marriage with you, to one that is safe and where you both give each other extraordinary care, or not. But since he is so abusive right now, it is best for you to work through that program apart to protect yourself.

Dr. Harley defines all angry outbursts as "temporary insanity." You never know what your husband will do when he is having an angry outburst. He may have never struck you in the past, but that doesn't mean the next time won't be a fatal blow. Men, who are usually seen as calm and gentle and loving, have maimed or killed their spouses during an angry outburst.

This is why Dr. Harley doesn't tolerate ANY angry outbursts.

All it takes is one time.

JBKT, even though you are not the one with the anger management issue, I still think listening to Anger Management 101 would be helpful. Melody Lane posted the 4 segments here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602

Dr. Harley specifically addresses abusers who feel "justified" while angry (you've probably heard that you deserve what he's telling you). That is temporary insanity at work. I'm sure that when he's not angry, he doesn't feel that you deserve what he gives you. But that's the danger--when he is temporarily insane, he can't be trusted to be rational.

But that's when you should leave. Not later when it is too late.

Are you listening to Dr. Harley? He's got a lot of information about this sort of situation.

Ok, i need advice on how to handle a seperation in a state that doesn't recognize legal seperation at all (texas).

What happens with the finances? Right now i pay the bills, and we alot a certain amount go toward groceries etc. There is not much left over so to stretch it amongst both will be difficult. He will not be cooperative and don't want him ruining our credit that is not as good as it should be anyway.

Also the insurance for the whole family comes out of my check. So my check is much lower than it would be. Any advice on how to approach this?

Also, if i go to my parents, can i say that i do not want him showing up there to "talk"?

I don't want the boys to miss out on their dad, how do we manage time? I also don't want to have them through the challenging week days, for him to enjoy them on weekends....

Thanks everyone.