She was divorced when I met her and had a child by other guy. She did do this to her ex. I have been raising that girl as my own (she's 10). We do have one girl together (6). What happens if she comes home and wants to take the girls away for the night or a few days? Do I expose to them at that time? I'm not sure they will understand, and I would really like to keep them out of this as much as possible.

Dr. Harley strongly encourages exposure to children older thAn 4

1. Sarcasm is corrosive to marriage. Complaints should be made respectfully, and kept on the front burner until a mutually satisfactory solution is found.

2. What are your "major differences"?

3. Where does she stay when she is not staying "most nights at home"?

4. You need to tell your kids about the affair YOURSELF. Why are you giving your wife the chance to spin the story about your both not being happy, and needing to "work things out"?

5. "And she leaves first" - what do you mean by this? In the next sentence you seem to be saying that you are planning to leave. You want her to move out now, and then when you've found a place, you will move out and she can move back in? But if you're trying to save the marriage, why are you proposing that either of you moves out? How is that going to save the marriage?

Here Exposing to children

Comes home from where? Where is she staying now?

Where would she want to take them? What would be the point of taking them away for a few days? Surely she would be planning to move out and take them for good?

Don't give permission for her to take your joint daughter away. I don't know whether you have any right to stop her doing what she wants with her own daughter. See a lawyer about getting your rights established.

What were the timelines involved in that? Was this girl the product of an affair?

How old are you and your wife?

2. What are your "major differences"?

3. Where does she stay when she is not staying "most nights at home"?

4. You need to tell your kids about the affair YOURSELF. Why are you giving your wife the chance to spin the story about your both not being happy, and needing to "work things out"?

5. "And she leaves first" - what do you mean by this? In the next sentence you seem to be saying that you are planning to leave. You want her to move out now, and then when you've found a place, you will move out and she can move back in? But if you're trying to save the marriage, why are you proposing that either of you moves out? How is that going to save the marriage? [/quote]


2. She likes to drink (around the kids), and go out with the "girls" drinking and hanging at the bar scene. She has some pretty bad (and abusive) language toward the kids. She is easily frustrated and looses her temper from time to time.

3. When she is working late at night (after 11:00) she will sometimes stay at a motel or with a friend of hers (that I don't know). This is a recent occurrence. She swears she's not with OM and will call and text me while she is away.

5. I don't want anyone to move out but she makes more money than I do and I can't afford the house without her help. She could do it by herself, but it would be tight. Also, due to us purchasing the house while I was trying to sell another house when we first got together the mortgage is in her name only. I am on the deed, nut not the mortgage.

She had been divorced for maybe 2 years when we met, but had a baby with another guy. the baby was 17m old.

W41, ME40 in 3 days

She took them to the flea market. We were going together until all of the calls from exposure starting coming in. Then she got mad and took them herself. I'm just trying to get a plan in place just in case.

She cheats because she feels entitled and because she is out actively looking for action. I am not sure why you are worried about exposure.

I would not be hopeful being married to someone who feels entitled to have affairs and goes out looking for them.

So this is not her first affair.

Of course she is staying with the OM. How long has this been going on?

It sounds like she has a drinking problem too. Is that true? How long has she been going out at night with her "friends?"

Can you explain why a) you would marry a woman who is a known adulterer and b) why you would tolerate a wife who goes catting around like a single person? I am honestly baffled that any person would put up with that.

She has only been staying away the past two Saturdays, but she said the A has been going on for a month. When we got together I didn't know she had an A. I didn't learn that until we started going to church and she felt remorse for it and admitted it to me. That was all within the last 3 years. Her going out has always been a big issue. She has done it off and on since we got together. It's that kind of stuff that I mention nicely at first then later get hurt and go to sarcasm to prove a point. She says that's me "parenting her" and she doesn't want or need that. She said she has pretended to be someone she's not for some time that she can't live the "Charlie Church" life. She has to be herself. I assume that means drinking, going out, using foul language in front of the kids, listening to music with crude lyrics, etc.
I'm considering exposing to kids (10 and 6).

Thanks. I would most definitely tell the kids about her affair. Lying to them about the source of tension in your home just confuses them and teaches them to be dishonest. If you don't tell them the truth, she will tell them lies.

She wants the freedom to abuse you by going out drinking and having an affair. If I were you, I would get legal custody of those kids before she harms them. She is very unstable. Don't let her take those kids.

One of them is her daughter (his stepdaughter). I don't know what rights he'd have there.

In Virginia, not much. After a court hearing I may be able to prove her unfit. At this point it is very unlikely. Everything is her word vs. mine. I just heard from her and she is bringing the kids home before she goes out about 20 miles down the road to "work out". I don't expect her back tonight, but at least I will have my kids home safe.

She sounds like an alcoholic. If so, her first and only priority is her relationship with alcohol. The cheating and carousing is an extension of that.

**it could also be she's bi-polar. Serial cheating with strangers she finds on the internet is manic behavior. I can't diagnose her on the internet but if her drinking is also cyclical it could be an indication that her drinking is her self-medicating a manic episode and this whole thing is a mental health issue.

I think you should call Dr. Harley and get yourself on the radio show. It's free professional advice. I just don't think you Plan A an alcoholic and you can't find help for a bi-polar manic episode in marriage forums.

There's a stormy poster that used to post here for years named NeverGuessed. He always uniquely made it a point to indicate that betrayed husbands in these type cases needed to "isolate their assets". Then he'd say "whaddaya say?". I agree and "say" you should call Dr. Harley, get legal advice to protect yourself and those children to the greatest extent possible, get a voice activated digital voice recorder to record and document everything she says in your presence (to avoid the he said/she said deniability and to protect yourself), get an app that records all your phone calls and save them too, and then as soon as possible "isolate all your marital assets" so she can't maintain this lifestyle for that much longer. I'm not saying steal the money...merely "isolate" it so it's protected from her continued dissipation. She's got to hit rock bottom and you can't enable her to continue this.

Godspeed.

Well, just like you all said here as soon as she got a chance she tried to make the kids think this was a mutual decision. I fixed that in a hurry. I explained about the affair and how I wanted to fix it. The kids had a rough time initially but are now back to themselves (1 hour later). I'm sure there will be flare ups from time to time but they actually seemed relieved because they at least know the truth. She is pissed as ever, but at least the kids know what's up.

Davy,
Your assertive actions are a positive. Good that you told the kids the truth. Now that they know the truth, try your best to shield them from your wife's destructive behavior. This will take a toll on them, and they need you too be their rock.

Consult an attorney right away to find out what your rights are and how you can best obtain custody should this lead to a dissolution of marriage. Be aware that while she in the affair, her priorities are the other man, not her children. Take advantage of this by spending as much time with them as possible outside of work.

Next steps are to find out who the other man is. You might need to find a private eye. Once you find out who it is, confront him and tell him you are going to fight for your marriage and he is to back off. Then also find him on Facebook and expose the affair to his friends.

I'm getting a lot of anger from her now (and her family). They feel I shouldn't have told the children. I really had no choice, she was trying to feed them lies. I'm getting a lot of blaming me for the exposure of the affair, especially to the children. Should I respond to any of that or just let her make the noise?