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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 2
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Joined: Sep 2015
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I have forgiven my husband after a 2 year affair with a coworker. She quit her job and has moved. We are living back together in our home. Family is divided. Some family members are being supportive but the ones closest to me are not so supportive. How should I respond to my non supporters? I have isolated myself but feel bad about it.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Not everyone is going to support your decision to reconcile with a cheater. They don't have to support your choice. My concern is what you said about "forgiving him." That is not healthy for your marriage and I would strongly advise you to forgo the "forgiveness." Dr. Harley advocates just compensation. That is in your best interest and his. Check this out: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? I would also get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the plan in it. Not having a plan after an affair is a plan to fail. This checklist is the first step: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
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There are some good radio clips in here. What is Just Compensation?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2015
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Junior Member
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MelodyLane, thank you for your response. I am new to this site and I have not read through all of the information or any of the books yet. I don't understand your statement about forgiveness not being healthy for my marriage. As a christian that is a foundational principal. I guess I need to read the reference to "Can't we just forgive and forget?" I have not forgotten what he has done and most of the things that are listed in the outline we have done and counseled with our Pastor. There have been some areas we are going back and forth with but we have agreed to give our marriage the time it needs to work through the issues that caused the affair. I am not taking all the blame as my family thinks that I am assuming the fault and not holding him accountable. He has been under a lot of guilt and has been remorseful for what he did to me and our children. He asked me to forgive him and even though I have every right to walk away from the marriage because of his infidelity, I have chosen to forgive him. For one, without forgiveness he will not be able to move forward and the guilt will weigh him down even more to the point of giving up on life and himself. I have to forgive because I do not want to become a bitter woman. I decided this morning that my family is not going to be my main focus. I have to turn my attention to rebuilding trust and learning the basics on how to make our marriage work. I must say that he is also wanting to do the same. I am on day 39 since his confession of the affair. I could not feel the way I do towards him unless God had given me the grace and the power to receive him back as my husband. I just want to conclude that I find that forgiveness also has kept me sane through the process.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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For one, without forgiveness he will not be able to move forward and the guilt will weigh him down even more to the point of giving up on life and himself. BMW, you need to get him serious help if he is suicidal - that is not a burden that you can bear for him, and that is not something that you should handle by restricting your options. I have to forgive because I do not want to become a bitter woman. People who choose to divorce after adultery are not "bitter." Jesus didn't call them bitter, and you shouldn't think of them that way. In fact frequently they are quite happy. Staying and him changing nothing will make you very bitter, indeed.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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MelodyLane, thank you for your response. I am new to this site and I have not read through all of the information or any of the books yet. I don't understand your statement about forgiveness not being healthy for my marriage. As a christian that is a foundational principal. I guess I need to read the reference to "Can't we just forgive and forget?" Yes, please read it. It was written by Dr. Bill Harley, a Christian. Christian forgiveness is based upon repentance. Repentance is not chanting "forgive me, forgive me, forgive me;" it means repenting, i.e.: turning from one's sin and MAKING AMENDS. John the Baptist tells us in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit in keeping with repentance; if we sincerely repent, we will behave differently. Who we are or how important we think we are makes no difference; we have to produce this fruit, as John commands in Luke 3:8. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering, "Oh, I screwed up. God forgive me," and not restoring your harmed brother. Repentance, obviously, should be sincere and should be accompanied by actions that reflect a change of heart. It is not a trivial matter. The Bible does give a few examples of repenting to other people. The parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:21) is one example. David repenting to Nathan (II Samuel 12:13-15) is another example. Notice that since David sinned publicly, he paid for it publicly. You are required to repent to God and whomever you have sinned against; sin publicly, you must repent publicly. I am not taking all the blame as my family thinks that I am assuming the fault and not holding him accountable. He has been under a lot of guilt and has been remorseful for what he did to me and our children. He asked me to forgive him and even though I have every right to walk away from the marriage because of his infidelity, I have chosen to forgive him. For one, without forgiveness he will not be able to move forward and the guilt will weigh him down even more to the point of giving up on life and himself. Without making AMENDS, he should feel guilty because he has not repented. Guilt is not a curse, but a gift from God to alert us that we are in violation of our God given consciences. By passing out unearned forgiveness, you deprive him of the opportunity to make amends and alleviate his guilt. I have to forgive because I do not want to become a bitter woman. You do not need to offer unwarranted forgiveness to avoid becoming a bitter woman. Is God bitter? Does he offer cheap forgiveness to unrepentant people? Of course not. You do not have to offer forgiveness to alleviate anger and bitterness. What would alleviate bitterness is if your husband took the necessary steps to repent and make you safe in the future. If he doesn't do that, your bitterness will NEVER go away no matter how many times you say "IforgiveyouIforgiveyou." Please read Dr Harley's comments about forgiveness: First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.
But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.
To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.
I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.
In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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