First, let me give you some background. Married for 18 years. We have two children. DS (17) and DD (13). We got married when we got pregnant with our son. I completely take credit for a aweful marriage for the first 10 years. I was not affectionate to my wife and was into porn.

At the 10 year mark, my wife discovered my porn issue and threatened to leave. I completely changed at that point and started trying to be what a husband is supposed to be. My wife really could not forgive me and after two years, she had a one night stand with a guy she met while camping with my children and inlaws. She had only met the guy two days before. I discovered the affair before it was able to continue and exposed to her parents, our pastor, and several friends.

She was angry with me, but within a few weeks she had completely changed. She was so broken about what she had done and completely devoted herself to building our marriage. Things were almost perfect.

Now flash forward a few years. My wife has been diagnosed with Lupus. She recently took a part time job at a clothing boutique just to keep her occupied since the kids are in school. She has always been a stay at home mom before. She asked me about the job and I said it was her decision as long as she does not cause herself to be too tired to spend time with me.

Well now that is just the exact issue. Any time she has off, she is either too tired or wants to spend time alone with our daughter. I have talked to her about this, but she states I am a grown man, I can take care of myself. She has stopped doing any thing, "big or small" that makes me feel like I am special. Our sex life has gone from 3 or 4 times a week to once a month.

Now she is not even talking to me. I made the mistake of going by and paying respects to a former coworker (female) who was with her dying mom in the hospital. I even told my wife I went by because there was nothing to hide. Well my wife has accused me of an emotional affair. She says she does not blame me for wanting to "even the score" as she put it. My wife has access to everything I have even my work texts and emails, but she will not believe me.

Is she having an affair?

I don't believe so. When she is either at work, at home, or with my daughter. Me wife works only with other females so I don't see that being a possibility. I can see who she texts, calls, and emails so no red flag there.

Is your wife an unreasonable women with a paranoid side to her? Do you know her to be someone whose reasoning simply does not make sense to you? You are certainly painting her as unreasonable with this description.

If not, what has made her draw this conclusion from the fact that you said "hello" to someone that you knew?

How far did you go out of your way to pay your respects to this woman? How long did you spend talking to her? Have you been attracted to her in the past, and now?

I expect that you wife sensed a very legitimate threat to your marriage, and she's had enough of feeling like that.

Have you given up the porn? Since how long?

My wife has a hard time believing people. When she suspects the kids are up to something, it takes a lot of work on their side to convince her otherwise. My wife told me she does not blame me for seeking the attention of a female (although i was not) because she knows she is not meeting any of my needs. This is a direct quote from her.

I did not go out of my way to visit this person. Prob 30 min on my way home from work. I was there approximately 15 min. 1st time I had seen this person in almost 2 years. I am not attracted to this person, although she was a pretty good friend. I never saw this person outside of work. I worked with her for almost 9 years. My wife initially was threatened by her when I first started working with her, but after she met her, she said she was very nice and said she did not see her as a threat. I have already apologized to my wife for not speaking to her about the visit before I went by.

I have given up porn. It has been 6 or 7 years.

Oh good grief, what were you thinking?

This woman "was a pretty good friend" - you should not have friends of the opposite sex when you are married. By the sound of it, this woman was not part of a couple that you are your wife were friends with; she was your colleague and your "pretty good friend", and when you began working with her, your wife saw something in the situation enough to feel threatened by.

She was quite right to feel threatened. A high number of affairs are had with workplace colleagues; people with whom we spend 8 working hours a day, and to whom we can talk at length. Often we have more daytime interaction with our colleagues than we do with our spouse, for years on end. When people have workplace affairs, the affair partner is often not particularly attractive or sexy; the affair develops from a friendship with someone with whom you can talk, and with whom you spend enjoyable time. You should have dealt with your wife's insecurity by NOT making this woman a friend, and certainly not a "pretty good" one.

For you to take 30 minutes to visit this "pretty good" opposite-sex friend, after work (when you should be with your wife), and spend 15 minutes talking to her, was a terrible thing to do to your wife.

You should not have spoken to your wife before you went to see her, and you should not even have asked your wife whether you could go to see her; it should just not have crossed your mind that comforting this woman in her grief was a reasonable thing for a married man to do. How did you ever think that this was proper? And what real comfort can you give a woman who is grieving for her dying mother, unless by being very special to her?

It seems that you have not taken steps to protect your wife from unhappiness, and from feeling jealous of your interest in other women. No wonder she isn't talking to you, after going through 10 bad years with you and now being ill, and finding that you are comforting another woman.

Apologise for doing that at all (not just for not "speaking to her about the visit"), and read Dr Harley's Basic Concepts, available in the Articles section of this site. You've got a lot of work to do to turn your marriage around at this critical time.

I see where you are coming from and I completely understand that my wife is upset. I know I was in the wrong. I should not have done what I did.

I assumed that my wife is very well aware of my feelings for her by the way I constantly pursue her and pamper her (and I also tell her all the time). I know that I made a huge love bank withdrawal with the visit. I also assumed that since my wife can see all my texts, emails, and phone calls plus my exact location with phone tracking, that she would not feel that I was threatening our marriage. I told my wife about it as soon as i got home. Not even worried that it would upset her. STUPID thinking.

Now I need to figure out how to get her to speak to me. She tried to sleep on the couch to avoid me, but I knew that this would cause her to hurt so I told her I would sleep on the couch.

By the way, I went by the hospital during the middle of the day because I was on my way home for an appliance delivery. I even stopped by and picked up some lunch for my wife and took it to her work.

Nope. It's up to her to decide when she wants to do that, if ever.

In the meantime, start following the Marriage Builders concepts and policies like the Policy of Joint Agreement.


On TV it looks like most relationship problems are solved when somebody finally realizes that the other person cares for them.

Real life is NOTHING like that. It doesn't matter if she is "aware of your feelings." ALL that matters is your balance in her love bank.

With the Marriage Builders concepts you have all the information you need to avoid Love Bank withdrawals and build a higher Love Bank balance, so do that, and wait for her to decide how she feels about you and what she wants to do about you.

Don't be dramatic and call yourself stupid and all that.

Just change your behavior.

From now on ask your wife how she feels about your plans BEFORE you take action. If she's not enthusiastic, don't do it.

It sounds like you and your kids spend a lot of time trying to manipulate what your wife believes instead of letting her make up her own mind.

Your wife RIGHTLY believes that it is insanely dangerous for you to be providing any sort of care to a woman without your wife's knowledge or enthusiastic consent.

Stop doing nice things for other women. Let them figure out how to live their lives without your help and support. Do nice things for your wife instead.

Your wife RIGHTLY believes you are an affair waiting to happen. Men who give aid and comfort to damsels in distress fall into affairs ALL THE TIME.

Be a man that other women don't think of as friendly. Your wife and kids will love you much more for it.

What concerns me about your post that you don't GET the threat this is to your marriage and instead want to imply that the problem lies with your wife. Do you know how affairs start? Just go read any of the thousands of threads going back 18 years over on the SUrviving an Affair forum. They start usually with seemingly innocent opposite sex friendships. The people who have affairs are the ones who swear they would never do it. The reason is because they have a false sense of immunity which makes them more vulnerable to affairs.

And let's just say your wife is a jealous lunatic who is abnormally paranoid. Do you want to purposely aggravate a lunatic? And if that is the case, why not have her committed and locked up rather than aggravate her with inappropriate friendships?

I did not try to imply the problem is with my wife. Just so I am clear. This person I visited I had not seen or talked to in two years. I worked with her for 9 but had no contact with her outside of my job. She got married and moved away and came home because her mom was sick. The only reason I know this is because a mutual (male) work friend told me. I understand I provoked my wife and threatened our marriage by the visit. I own that and I have apologized for it. I understand why she feels threatened. This all happened last week.


But please let's look at one of the reasons I posted. My wife for has not spent any quality time with me since starting her job. All I get is the leftover time which usually is 10 minutes before she goes to sleep. I have talked to her about more time and she admits she does not spend enough time with me. I don't feel important to her. I know I did the same with the visit, but I own that mistake and it will not happen again

You make that problem a thousand times worse when you spend time with another woman, though.

You throw an even bigger problem on top of your original problem, so big that now you have to solve the new problem before you can tackle the original problem.

Marriage Builders has the solution for getting your wife to spend time with you but FIRST we have to deal with the new fire you set.

Now I have seen history on her computer where she is looking up divorce attorneys. She is also texting a friend stating that she is done. This friend sounds like she is no friend of marriage as she hates her husband.

NeedsomeLove, are you reading my posts?

Yes. I am reading your posts. I understand why she is mad. I understand what I did. I just want us to work past this.

But you didn't address any of the points I raised.

Am I right?

How do I eliminate the 1st fire I set?

First you have to start following the policies - don't do anything unless your wife is enthusiastic. Reveal to your wife as much as you know about yourself.

Plus you also have to quit providing care for other women who are not your wife. DON'T go show your sympathy and all that stuff. a) your wife isn't enthusiastic and b) it's bad for your marriage.

Your wife is RIGHT about so much. But you are here complaining that she has trouble believing your take on things instead of her take. QUIT trying to manipulate and change what she thinks. She's right!

Just go follow the recommendations I made in my posts.