Just let her know that you feel strongly everyone should know. Leave it at that. It is not expected that a wayward will be happy about exposure. Just let her scream and carry on.

If the relatives complain, simply say that you dont lie to your kids.

She has now asked me to move out, I said no, I didn't commit an affair. She asked me to take a turn sleeping in the basement bedroom (where she's been for a week now). I told her no, I kept my vows and I'm sleeping in my own bed. Is that too harsh or should I volunteer to switch out every once in a while. She came home late tonight, but she did come home.

You did right. Stay in your own bed. She wants back in that bed she has to share it with you.

Do you think that will force her to leave, or is it too early to know yet?

The children deserved to know the truth, and no one should condemn telling them it. Not everyone understands this, but telling the children helps them to see clearly what is happening, why it's happening, and they don't have to guess or take on the burden of guilt as some do. Plus, they learn the clear difference between right and wrong.

You were right to stay in the marital bed. Just be sure to avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments at this trying time.

Thank you. I am very humble and mild right now. I do my bet not to argue with her on things and ask her opinion often (this was an area where she indicated she was unhappy) Also, much to my surprise her very dear friend from Japan flew home to be with her and help her any way that she could. I have been talking to her and her husband online about this and she decided to surprise us. She very much wants this to work as well and is VERY much in support of marriage. Plus at least while she is here WW won't be visiting OM. I hope this helps.

So to address the "trolling for an affair" question I guess I need to explain that she was very angry with me at the time when she went looking for the OM. I know this doesn't make it any better but in the past (her 2nd marriage) she was unfaithful due to anger. I obviously didn't know about that until later into our marriage, but she eventually saw where she went wrong. I'm hoping she sees that here before everything is destroyed.

See what? She already knows why she is having an affair. She doesn't need enlightenment.

A person who goes looking for an affair because they feel angry is a person who believes they are entitled to affairs. She thinks affairs are something she deserves and that she is sacrificing her right to affairs as a reward to you when you do not oppose her. This lady is not marriage material.

Be careful and carry a VAR with you at all times.
When a wayward gets angry and starts making demands that you leave or sleep on the couch, their next step is usually a call to law enforcement.
Be ready for a RO/PO, being prepared is something you should do with an attorney.

Dealing with Waywards(especially angry and entitled)-
Never leave your home
Never leave your bed
Never lie to your kids
Don't be drawn into fights (keep your cool, be James Bond)
Be prepared for crazy
Have a VAR

Like I said before, there is a huge difference between a spouse who is actively trolling for affairs and one who falls into it due to poor boundaries.

I am not sure why you think it is relevant that "she saw where she went wrong." It didn't stop her from pursuing another affair. She has shown you LOUD AND CLEAR that she feels entitled to have affairs. I think the biggest problem is your denial.

MelodyLane- You may be right. Maybe I was lucky just to keep her happy for 8+ years. She told me herself (about a month into the relationship) that she was a runner and she took off at the first sign of trouble. She also told me about two years ago that I must have been doing something right because this was the longest relationship she has ever had. Actually, this marriage was longer than all of her other relationships combined. That all seemed innocent enough, but now it really doesn't.

So it sounds like you too think there is no hope for this marriage? Isn't there hope for all marriages? Or am in denial that this was destined to fail?

Davy

I don't see where you kept her happy for 8+ years. From the history I was able to piece together, you were both unhappy after 2 years.

I asked you this question yesterday, but I did not get an answer:

No, there is not hope for all marriages. Nor is hope a plan.

Do you believe you can change someone against her will? How do you plan on doing that? Maybe you have such a plan? I do not.

If you follow the Plan A it is your best hope.
I've seen some of the most vile women eventually follow MB after a good plan A. Usually the affair has to die a natural death (the guy dumps them) and they return to their husbands. It is at that time you MUST follow all of the program without the smallest deviation.
You've invested 8 years of your life with her and have a daughter together so I would make divorce or any separation very hesitantly. If needed, I would even consider staying married so you can be in your daughters life.

I asked you this question yesterday, but I did not get an answer:

[/quote]

No, we were married in 2008 but have not been to marriage counseling.

We did go to counseling about my son and his adjustment, and I do remember us discussing her going out drinking with "the girls" and the councilor did say that that was ok and I should back off on it. I may have put that in previous posts but I don't remember.

By "Blow Up" I mean that we were on a camping trip for a week and she was drinking in front of the kids. I asked her politely not to do that unless it was in another container to where the kids didn't know what it was. She agreed, but after she had a few she stopped doing that. I again tried to discuss it nicely and it got nowhere. I offered to get her a glass for it and she shoved a door in my face. I calmly loaded up the beer and threw it in the dumpster. She threatened divorce that night and many nights since. Then I learned of the A.

I didn't know about her previous A until we were already married a few years. So, no she didn't have an A with me. In her previous marriage and A she was going out drinking with the girls and said she was unhappy at home. Once her husband made her mad over something (I still don't know what) is when she went for the A.

My questions is, if history is repeating itself is there a chance I can work to make her happy again (Plan A) and resolve the going out, unhappiness, and A?

She seems pretty happy to me. I would email Dr Harley and get his advice. Be sure and mention that she actively pursued an affair. And did this in her last marriage too.

OK, I will try that. Thanks!