In Texas, you should file for divorce. You can file, reach a financial and custody agreement and then drag out the divorce. That way you will be legally protected. If he doesn't change you can eventually finalize the divorce. If he does, you can drop the divorce.

Also the insurance for the whole family comes out of my check. So my check is much lower than it would be. Any advice on how to approach this?


Absolutely. You can limit him to email only [if that is what you want] and have your parents do the child exchanges.


You would need to figure out what works best for you and the boys and then suggest that.

I am in Texas as well, and as Melody Lane suggested, the only way to do it protected is to file for divorce.... You have 1 year after filing to do something with it or you have to pay the fee again to keep it in place for another year. My lawyer said its the "legal separation" of TX.

Some people could move out & have the spouse act all great but I do not foresee that in your case.

2- money, if you file but do not pursue action, he has to provide for you during the entire separation or divorce- so you should be fine there, in fact if he removes funds from your joint then you just take him to court & the judge will order it and hold him in contempt if he doesn't.
This also means that if you have been paying for insurance- you still do. It kinda holds your bills in a status quo arraignment.

3. Yes, you should come up with rules for him (such as don't show up at parents) and give it to him when you leave. It should also contain your pathway back home.
I would post it here for us to help you with it.

You sit down and write out what kind of childcare you would like to split with him then & give him that with the letter. Let your parents trade....

Now-follow the rules you give him!!! if you give him rules & he shows up- send your dad out & don't talk to him! If he gets threatening- call the police. If he cries.... Let him, him... Just stick to your rules as he is so used to being able to run all over you, he at first will not know what to do.

Are you ok?
How is it going?

Please let us know that you are ok and what is going on.

Thank you!

Thanks, I didn't mean to just disappear from here. My little one and I have been a little sick and I have been crazy busy at work.

So, a lot has happened.... last week after the prior weekend where he convinced me to stay. Things started off pretty good but then we started fighting again. I just couldn't take it anymore. Although there were no terrible blow ups just constant arguing....

So, I packed up and went to my moms for the weekend. I called and told him that I would go for just the weekend, IF he would leave me alone. No trying to convince me to come home, or saying hateful things via text, etc.

He was furious, and his first reaction was "I am leaving the game and coming over there to talk to you..." I told him, if you come over there, I will call the cops. I had his sister wait for him after the game to try and cool him down and I think that helped.

To my surprise, he allowed me to have a great weekend with my mom. He did text a few times, but they were just nice comments, not trying to ask me to come home or anything like that. When I got home, he gave me the space I requested and while I was gone he had set up an appointment with a counselor for the following Monday (this past monday). I think this was a huge wake-up call for him. The week before shook him up a bit, but he is trying really hard to be perfect (not that I need him to be perfect, just need the chaos gone).

He has suggested a date night on Friday and also is reserving a hotel for the following weekend for us to get away from the kids. I am very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic, but I do think he is sincere, if only it could last. I think he knows now, that I do have the guts to leave if I need to (especially now that the cat is out of the bag and my family all know what is going on). Thank y'all for encouraging me to tell them. It is so nice to suddenly have a support system that I have never had before!

Also, he is going on to talk to Dr Harley tomorrow. I am really anxious about this. I don't think he is too happy about talking to him, he is only doing it because he promised me he would, so I don't know how responsive he will be to his advice. But at least he is willing to do it, never thought he would!

I will keep y'all updated with how things are going, just knowing that if something goes wrong, my parents already know the situation, is a great feeling.

Oh, and in case you're wondering....the counselor asked for me to come as well, even though it was just supposed to be him originally. The session went ok, although he did seem really put out by some of the things he said to him.

I am glad you told family & went to your moms...yeah!!!!!

One word of caution. Don't confuse him with more than 1 counselor unless it is a behavioral therapist teaching him anger management. Which I would insist that he takes right away.

Dr. Harley really can be enough for the both of you concerning marriage and having couples counsel together in the same room is a huge huge no, no!!!
Is this his anger therapist?

Stay strong and be prepared to call the police and/or leave as soon as you need too.

Will he be on the radio show?

Yes, just him, I am unavailable, and Mrs. Harley said it would probably be good for him to be the one on.

And your right about the anger management....that is what he was supposed to be getting, that's why I was confused when he asked if I was willing to go (per the suggestion of the counselor). The guy is a clinical psychologist who doesn't seem to have a "specialty". He did mention maybe me coming one more time, and then him just coming, so I'm not sure what type of counseling you could call it?!

Last night he set up a table with candles and went and bought us food to eat. We waited until the kids were asleep and had a great night. This is not something he has ever done before, I am just praying that this really was the wake-up call he needed.

We are also going out on Friday evening....

He is getting into Anger management?

I am a little disappointed, yesterday they had to cancel the live show, so we were unable to go on. Just hoping he doesn't back out by the time it is re-scheduled!

Do you know when it's been rescheduled to?

She left a message with him saying next week sometime, but she has not followed up yet.

We are rescheduled for the show tomorrow. Our date night went wonderfully, we really enjoyed it. Then we took the kids to the beach the next day and had a great "family date".

Last night we ended up getting into an argument though about my pants. He says this one pair of jeans I wear to school are too tight. I honestly do not feel that they are too tight, I think they are flattering and he doesn't like me to wear anything that looks good on me, unless we are going on a date.

He says I am being inconsiderate of his feelings....If it was just this one pair of pants then I would understand. But I never know what I can put on. I'm tired of feeling like I am not allowed to feel good about myself. ( I would understand if I was wearing low cut shirts or short skirts or something.)

Every morning when I get dressed I never know what he will say. Something that is appropriate one day, is suddenly too tight the next.

Am I wrong for "being stubborn" or is this just more controlling behavior? I want to consider his feelings and at the same time be able to feel proud of myself, something I haven't felt in a while (appearance wise anyway).

Thanks again.

Ideally, a couple should negotiate on such issues, but the problems in your marriage are so great right now that it is probably not a good idea to address this now.

In a good marriage, the couple will negotiate until they find clothing that both like. For example, if I don't like a shirt my H is wearing he will change clothes because he wants to look attractive for me. And vice versa. The key is choosing clothing that is appealing to both.

I would bring this up in your conversation with Dr. Harley.

I heard your show today. Be sure and listen before tomorrow at 12 noon because it will be replaced by tomorrows show. It may take a week for it to show up in archives!

Let me know your impression of the show when you have listened.

I just thought I should update and share why I haven't really been on in the last week.

Just before going on the show my husband began researching marriage builders, and came across this forum and my thread. (I know you are probably reading this, and that is completely fine)

He read through my thread and actually was not as mad at me as I would have expected, but since then things keep being brought up that I said on here. I'm not saying I won't talk on here at all anymore, but it doesn't feel like an outlet I can be totally open with knowing that what I say could cause disagreements later at home.

Honestly, I wish he would be willing to join in the conversation.

As for the show, he was being honest, not lying about anything he said, but it felt like situations were being down played, or maybe that they drew conclusions and he didn't correct them when they were wrong. But I know he took it very seriously and really did listen to Dr Harley, he was also very nervous about going on the show and I am sure that effected a bit the way he responded.

Just doing a schedule is no where near enough to answer our problems. Yes, we have had some success with doing a schedule, but that is not the problem. Since the show, he has not had any "outburst" at all. He has been working really hard on everything,and I can tell that for the first time, the effort is sincere.

But we just can't seem to stay on the same page. We went for a "weekend getaway" this past weekend and everything was great, wonderful, couldn't have been better. But we were already bickering as soon as we got back home. No screaming or outburst, best way to say it is "bickering". We had to go to my parents house for the first time since I left and shared with them (they watched the kids for us and we had to go pick them up.)

My mom and my husband had talked via text after the whole thing happened (when I confided in them and left for the weekend). Basically he re-assured them that he would treat me better and my mom was actually very caring toward him. I think he was surprised by this and said he gained more respect for my mom. I am saying all this to help explain the scenario Sunday afternoon. When we got there he didn't really even want to go in, but I encouraged him to, so the awkwardness of seeing them for the first time again, could be over with.

My parents were cordial, not rude at all, but not as friendly as they normally would have been toward him. He seemed very awkward and like he didn't want to be there.

When we got in the car I asked him "what was that about" (why were you acting so different, I thought my parents treated him fine considering the situation).

He said my mom made him feel uncomfortable being there and that she didn't make eye contact with him. I didn't notice the eye contact but she was sitting to the side of me.

I get that it is a bit weird / different since I confided in them about what was going on, but my family wants us to work it out, wants the best for us..... And were certainly not acting in a manner like they were trying to hurt him. After me asking what was going on, he got upset and I said something to the effect "do you blame her" (saying she knows her daughter was being hurt by you for years, do you blame her for being a little different). He said "no he understand why" but basically made it out to be that I was choosing them over him, which is not at all what I was doing, was only trying to have a support system.

Also, he has made me feel like I am not allow to confide in her anymore, and that if I do I should repeat everything I say to her. This is exactly why I never confided in the first place, I knew she would be there for me, but I also knew it would make things "awkward" and that he would see it as me going behind his back. Anyone have any advice on how we should be handling this? It's not like the situation is just going to go away......

Now, he is saying I don't care because after I got done with my meeting I made an excel sheet that had to be done, instead of coming down to talk to him more. I had came down to his room just before my meeting and it didn't seem appreciated anyway. Working together is becoming so stressful, and it should / could be a good thing. I like seeing him when we are happy and getting along, but feeling like I can't do my job because we have to deal with our drama is very overwhelming.

Thanks for any advice y'all could share, and for being a place for me to vent.

You most certainly should continue to confide in your family and get their support. Your husband will need to stop doing things that embarrass him if he wants to repair that relationship, but you are not obliged EVER to cover up his abusive behavior. He has an opportunity to regain their trust and respect by stopping his bad behavior and becoming a great husband.

Also, I would call or write the Harley's again because from the sound of the phone call with your husband it seemed that you were abusing him. I would have NEVER recognized the situation as yours if I didn't know your H was going to be on the show. I don't think they have a clear perspective of the situation.

When he has eliminated his angry outbursts, then you can talk about it together. Until then, the problem he needs to be focusing on is his angry outbursts, not whether or not you confide in your mom for support.

He doesn't get to have angry outbursts at you and then cut you off from your support system. Do not discuss this with him again until he has completely eliminated his angry outbursts. Flat out refuse to engage in the conversation. If he has a problem with that, he can take it up with Dr. Harley.

I agree that the show did not really reflect what is going on. I think he gave him good advice about anger management, but it wasn't the full picture, only a small piece of what is going on.

They should have had the full picture, we both sent very long, detailed emails, I would have thought they got the big picture. But it seemed as though while talking to him, the situation was downgraded, if that makes sense. I wish we could have both been on, but Joyce re-assured me that she had my side and that it would be the best for him to get the advice anyway, so he would know that his side was heard as well.