If I quote from a book, it is either from the Bible, or one of Dr Harley's. I have read His Needs, Her Needs. Surviving an Affair, and some of Lovebusters.

She would probably been ok going to a marriage conference. We had one scheduled last year, but it was going on the night of our kids homecoming at school so my wife cancelled the trip.

I asked her years ago to come to this website and read the posts and post on her own. She said it was not her thing.

Well, that sounds as if you might be lecturing her, and telling her how to behave or to think. You use Bible or Harley passages to tell her what is right and what is wrong.

That's what I suspected when I asked. No wonder she doesn't want to hear from you about books. They are used to create more DJs on your part!

I would quit quoting books to her. Any attempt to educate your spouse is going to be perceived as disrespectful.

If she's affecting you in a negative way, simply tell her "It bothers me when you ..." If there's something she's not doing that you'd like for her to do, simply tell her "I'd like it if you would ... How would you feel about doing that?"

When I would tell her something I read, i was not trying to tell her right from wrong. Most of the time it would be something like the POJA that i was telling her about and getting her feedback on. Some was areas of instruction for me that I wanted to see how she felt about it. SHe would ask where I read that and I would tell her. Since most of the material I was talking to her about was from DR. Harley, as soon as I mentioned his name she would say that he did not know everything and not everything he came up with was the best way to do things. She said the POJA was stupid and impossible.

When she has seen I have been on the marriagebuilders website and forum in the past she would she would get mad and say I was addicted to the drama of people's story on the forum. (She would know I had been to the site by checking my web history.)

Update:

This weekend was going very well. We enjoyed each other's company and watched a movie together Friday night. We also were intimate again Friday Night.

Since my wife was so tired, she slept in Saturday morning. I made sure the house was quiet so that she was not disturbed. I watched college football. When she go up about noon, she suggested we go watch the Alabama game with the kids at a local sports grill. So we did. During the game, she had some work to do on her computer for her job. I asked her politely not to because she i said i wanted her undivided attention. I also said that it didn't make sense for her to do work off the clock. Why not wait until she is at work where she would get paid to do what she was working on. Well, she refused and said there was no time at work and she needed it off her mind. I did not bring it up again.

After the game, the kids went home and my wife and I went to a few shops to look around. It was relatively early and my wife was tired, so she suggested we go home. On the way home she wanted some chocolate so i stopped to get it for her.

At home, i took a shower and my wife picked out a movie to watch in the bed off of PPV. Within 15 minutes of the movie, i had dozed off. Our bed inclines so i kind of slid over to where she did not have much room. She woke me and I moved over so she would have room. I assume after the movie was off, she adjusted the bed, because it woke me again. A little while later after I had gone back to sleep, she put her dog in the bed(Which i hate a dog in the bed), and it wagging its tail, slapped me across the face and woke me again. My wife was also getting on her computer.

I asked my wife if we could just turn off the TV, get off the computer, flatten the bed, and go to sleep. She went ballistic. Telling me she was in the bed first (i was in the shower), and how i should go sleep on the couch (it was midnight at this point). Her screaming was laden with cursing at me.

At this point, since i was fully awake, i put my glasses on and started watching tv. SHe started on me again asking why i was awake. SHe said that i was only awake to watch to see what she was doing on the computer. She said I got to go visit who i wanted to or eat lunch with who i wanted to and she could not get on her computer without me looking over her shoulder. I was not actually doing that, i was actually watching TV trying to get sleepy again. I did not argue with her, i just watched TV.

After about 15 minutes, she put the computer up, I turned off all the lights and TV, and we went to sleep.

A couple of things stand out. First off, I suspect she is having an affair because of her secrecy on the computer. Have you been snooping like we told you?

"During the game, she had some work to do on her computer for her job. I asked her politely not to because she i said i wanted her undivided attention. I also said that it didn't make sense for her to do work off the clock"

I am sure she just loved being told she has no sense and being put in her place by you. How romantic! I know my husband just loves it when I point out the error of his ways with my superior viewpoint and tell him he has no sense.

You didn't read the book Lovebusters, did you? In essence, you negated all the progress you have made by being disrespectful, judgmental and demanding. Everytime you commit a Lovebuster, you cause her to fall more and more out of love.

You are pushing the car up the hill with the parking brake on. How about taking off the parking brake by eliminating Lovebusters?

I have been snooping like you suggested. Looking at text messages, call logs on her phone. I have put a key logger on her computer and have not seen anything suspicious. I can also see all her texts but I see nothing even remotely suspicious.

I am working on my love busters. Breaking bad habits is hard.

Now she is upset about what church we go to. I will have to fill everyone in on this later on.

Find a new church then

You need to stop telling your wife she is an idiot.

What about the POJA. What if I don't want to change churches. I offered to my wife that we go mornings to our current church and visit the church she wants to go to at the evening service. All the services are the same at the church she visits because. The morning is live, and then replayed at the evening service.

If your spouse doesn't like something, you don't do it. Do nothing. Which means you don't go to that church until you come to enthusiastic agreement over it. Meanwhile you brainstorm for solutions that make you both happy.

Why isn't the taped version of service good enough for you? Why do you expect her wishes to take 262nd place? I can see why she isn't in love with you.

Read the article about Resentment Type A and B.

That is what I am saying. I would go to the service at the church she likes in the evening which is a taped service.

The church we go to in the mornings is live. There is no other service. I am responsible for the media and sound for that service.

The default position is to do nothing until you find a church you BOTH LIKE.

However, I would put this on the back burner for now because you have bigger fish to fry. Trying to learn how to negotiate before you have even agreed to give up love busters will be a disaster. You CAN'T negotiate when you both have horrible love busting habits.

Until you will AGREE to stop making love busters, you will just keep going farther and farther backwards.

"Working on" is bs talk. You don't need to "work on" it, you need to DO IT. Trying to save a marriage when you commit love busters is even harder. [if not impossible] So take your pick. That is not an excuse to keep committing love busters. Do you only do things that are easy? If so, then you should give up now.

It is hard for us to help someone push the car up the hill when he keeps the parking brake on. If you want us to help you, then you need to be putting in a 1000% effort.

Make a decision TODAY to stop it. Did you actually read the book?

I have started reading the book again. I am not far into it.

I am committed to stoping love busters and getting my marriage to where it needs to be.

My question now is I am committed to stopping love busters, but how does my wife get to that point.

Not with your teaching. Lead by example. Markos Has an excellent post for men on what to do with a reluctant wife.

Hint: the answer isn't forcing her to go to a church she doesn't like. Is running lights and sound more important than saving your marriage?

Absolutely not. I had asked my wife to give me a limited time to train someone to do what I do. Until then, we could go to the evening service of the church she likes.

She gets to that point when she becomes interested in having a relationship with you again. She becomes interested when you stop lovebustng over a period of time. As of today, you have only pushed her away.

In the lovebusters book, I would skip ahead to the chapter about disrespectful judgements.