Lack of a PowerPoint would keep God out?

She didn't say she was not going to our church. I gently told her what time it was and told her that I was giving her an opportunity to get ready if she wanted to go.

No it would not.

That is part of our church and my responsibility to have it ready though.

But she said she wasn't going to church because she was tired. Why would the location of the church change her energy level?

I am not doing FPU. I doubt I could manage that extreme.

Where exactly does your wife come in your priorities then ? So far work and church are definitely ahead. How far back is she?

Her exact comment was she was too tired to drive that far. That is why I asked her. I would consider it rude if my wife left to go somewhere without waking me and giving me the opportunity.

Needsonelove, the reason she does not spend time with you is not because she is tired, but because she is checked out. If she wanted to spend time with you, the kids would not be an impediment. Do you see what I mean? Our goal is to help you remove all the things that would prevent her from wanting to be with you.

If you were to ask her, she would say she is my number 1 priority.

I had the phone call on Thursday that was work related, but whenever she needs me, work can wait. That photo call was an exception, not the norm.

I don't put her ahead of church. I am trying to transition.

So far your responses to me is that I should do whatever she wants me to regardless of what I want and responsibilities I have.

ML, I agree. I am working on what I need to do to correct this.

Ask it a different way. Why should your wife. Be expected to do things she isn't enthusiastic about?

Nsl, I agree you don't put church ahead of her, but I get the sense that she is in the habit of going along with things she doesn't really desire. Reluctant agreements? And when she doesn't come through, you are upset. You should not do whatever she wants, but you should not do anything that upsets her. When you learn to negotiate (after lovebusters are eliminated) you will be negotiating decisions that suit you both.

Lovebusters is such a helpful book.

I didn't mention that this position at church is something my wife volunteered me for and that I have tried to resign several times because I like sitting with my wife at church. Each time my wife would get upset and say that the church was counting on me and that it was my responsibility.

The whole idea of changing churches came from my daughter de cause she has friends at the other church. It was not initially my wife's idea.

My impression is that your posts are not yet trying to explore how Marriage Builders can help your marriage, and help you learn how to resolve these conflicts. Indeed, if you were trying to do that, you would be reading every article about conflict and negotiation on the site. Have you done that, and did you listen to Friday's radio show when you got home?

Your posts seem to trying to get us to agree that your wife is doing terrible things in the marriage, and to see that you have tried quite hard to have a good marriage, and that the fault is all hers. You seem to want us to take your side and agree that your wife is terrible. However, I will ask you: what then? How will you progress when we've agreed with you that your wife is unreasonable, and actually, she's quite unfathomable, because nobody apart from her can understand the logic inside her head? When we say "poor you; what a nightmare", what then?

We're not going to adjudicate in the disagreements between you and your wife. What we are going to insist that you do is learn about MB using every means at your disposal. That means listening to the radio show every day, and reading every article on this site, and finishing Love Busters quickly, and reading He Wins She Wins, and the new edition of His Needs Her Needs.

There are several articles on this site about conflict and negotiation. Here is one: How to Make Your Wife Happy. This article refers to MB principles that you really need to get a good understanding of; in particular, the Policy of Joint Agreement.

You and your wife need to cease churchgoing altogether until you can enthusiastically agree on which church to attend (together), or maybe not to attend a church at all, since there are other ways of participating in services. The enthusiastic agreement needs to be between you and your wife, not you and your wife and your daughter.

You shouldn't be organising the audio visual stuff if you want to stop. You should never have allowed your wife to pressure you into that. You now feel resentful about doing it.

You and your wife need to come to enthusiastic agreements about how much to spend, and about all other decisions in your marriage. In order to do this, you need to fully understand Dr Harley's basic concepts and how they work together in marriage, and in particular, with regard to decision-making, you need to learn about the Policy of Joint Agreement.

However, you'll find it impossible to use this policy if your conversations with your wife contain the DJs of sorting her out and setting her straight.

You need to come to an enthusiastic agreement on the budget and part of that agreement should be about what happens if either of you spends over the agreed limit. For example, things can be taken back to the shop for a refund.

Are you trying to tell us that your wife has a compulsion over spending? Are you trying to say that she buys lots of things that you don't need, and some things that you already have? Or are you saying that she does not understand that if you spend more than you earn, you will get into debt?

I should finish love busters this week. I am not saying that my wife is at fault for everything. I know full well that I am love busting her every day. I am working to stop that. My concern is that I will stop the love busters but my wife will continue.

About spending, my wife knows full well that if she spends to much we will go into debt. I am not sure she has a spending compulsion, but she does buy things we already have and will go to pick up one thing in a store and end up spending 500, when the one item is 40. When I picked up some clothes from the dry cleaner the other day, the clerk stated that she thinks my wife has an outfit for everyday of the year. She has so many clothes our walk in closet is full and she has bags stacked in the bedroom floor of clothes she has bought that cannot be put away because of room. They still have tags on them.

Well, what are you going to do about that? What plan have you jointly made to deal with that situation?

You never know unless you try!

(And most wives don't stop until their husbands lead the way.)

Before you cast stones at your wife, look at your own behavior.
Just stop your bad behavior. You and I know you can. If you can control yourself in front of a judge or police officer you can control yourself in front of your wife.