My wife and I separated but lived in the same house after an argument in May 2015. I found out about my wife's affair in June 2015 through an audio recording of her and the OM that I made on my phone (basically "facetime sex"). They had met and had sex in Feb 2015 during a girls weekend with her family. They continued to text and she went and had sex with him in May 2015 on a weekend after our argument while attending our D14's sport trip. OM lives 100 miles away.

I exposed the affair to her's and my family the day I found out and within a week the affair had ended. My D14 found out about the affair while listening to my FWW crying and telling her friend "what have I done" after her and the OM broke up. She says it was her decision but I don't feel certain in her declaration. On the morning that this occurred, FWW told me OM's name and I found him on FB. I looked through his friends (hadn't found this site) and contacted the fire dept chaplin in his friends list to ask the chaplin to request that OM not contact my wife again.
I have not found any evidence of further contact and discussion with FWW's counselor seem to indicate that the affair is over. I mentioned that I didn't trust FWW and the counselor mentioned that she doesn't trust me either.
I accept my part in the deterioration of the marriage by making demands. I've been seeing a counselor for marriage coaching/boundries, psychotherapist for anxiety/etc and the FWW's abuse counselor for demands/controlling behavior. I have started attending an abusive men's group. My FWW is seeking weekly counseling (is a person that doesn't say no to people).

I've tried for UA time but my FWW and her counselor say she is not ready. Her counselor seems to feel that sitting and watching TV together is OK for now. I don't trust my FWW and she doesn't trust that I will not be demanding/controlling. It has only been over the last 3 weeks that we haven't yelled/argued. Part of that was because I was being told that I caused the affair and I felt if that was the case, my FWW could justify another affair. My FWW's counselor made it clear that she was responsible for her behavior and actions regardless of provocation and I was responsible for my behavior and actions regardless of intent.

My question is what do I do right now? My FWW is being kind, more open with phone calls, not protecting her phone, including me in activities. I've been exercising more to use up free time. FWW won't agree to go on a date, won't hold my hand (basically no physical contact), sleeps on the opposite edge of the bed. I've been resisting the urge to just leave because of the discomfort and am accepting the pain as a learning exercise and to control my anxiety, and because things seem to be improving.

Initially my FWW's counselor recommended giving space. Two weeks ago, when I mentioned I would like to request a date with my FWW due to minimal interaction with my FWW, she asked if I had asked my FWW. I said no because I didn't feel my FWW would agree. The counselor recommended I ask. I said I would after I worked on grieving "the death" of my marriage and working to align better with God's will. I got to that point a couple of days ago and so asked about a date. At first my FWW stated that I shouldn't be asking because I was supposed to be giving space. I mentioned the conversation with the counselor and after a minute my FWW asked if we could revisit that in 2 weeks. I said sure.
So I am sitting in a weird limbo state right now. Just waiting to see what happens next. Some days getting PTSD flashbacks but trying to maintain some kind of hope in the absence of affection. I feel my wording is disjointed but so is everything right now. I can't find estimated timelines for all of the stages if anyone has that available? What do I do now?
Thanks.

Hello GW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I believe it is God's will that you were led to this forum, because your recovery so far has been a disaster. You are getting lots of "advice" from folks who have no earthly idea how to save a marriage after an affair. Marriage Builders has a completely different approach.

Much of what you have done on your own so far is spectacular, though. For example, you exposed the affair and successfully ran off the OM. Hopefully, you have also told your children what your wife has done. If the dirtbag OM is married, I hope you told his wife.

Another good move is to address and resolve any abusive behavior. Are you really abusive? Angry outbursts, demands will wreck a marriage. [although Dr Harley does suggest demanding that a wayward spouse end the affair immediately]


I would certainly snoop on your wife to ensure that the affair is over. You can't count on a counselor because most wayward ppl lie to counselors and many counselors just don't have common sense. You need to independently confirm the affair is over. We can help you with snooping resources.


And this is the basic problem preventing recovery in your marriage. The counselor has no idea what she is doing and is actually causing more harm than good. "Giving space" whatever that means, obviously won't save your marriage. As you can see, the C has no plan to save your marriage.

Individual counselors often cause the ruination of a marriage because they try to help the client achieve personal goals at the expense of the marriage. The counselor does not understand the addictive nature or the FOG that comes frm affairs. It would be like trying to help a falling down drunk achieve his desires while smashed on alcohol. That is what is happening here.

If you want to turn this around, I would try a different approach. Start by reading the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley so you understand the dynamics of an affair. Ask your wife to join you in following the program. You can also listen to Dr Harley's daily radio show and write him at the show for free advice. He can be a great help to you and your wife.

You can't demand that your wife stop seeing this "counselor" of course, but you can stop encouraging that destructive activity and stop taking advice from an unqualified person.

Can you explain what behavior you had that was "demanding and controlling?" Can you give specific examples so we understand?

Your current stage right now is LIMBO. You have not even begun recovery. There is no plan here and not having a plan is a plan to fail. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched your wife's wayward mind and the greater your resentment.

One thing that will greatly aide your wife's motivation to recover is to sit the kids down and tell them all about what she has done. They need to know about the affair and the name of the OM. This will greatly diminish her FOG and motivate her to participate in recovery. The problem now is that she is surrounded by ppl who are enabling her fog.

Dr. Bill Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages after an affair. His program is extremely effective. Here is what he says about exposure:

The OM was cheated on by his wife supposedly. I didn't contact his family, just his fire dept. chaplin. My D14 knows but not the B12,B10. D14 knew his name and details I didn't have from what she overheard. We had a big heart to heart.


Basically my demanding personality with my FWW never say no personality caused a meltdown. She states examples all throughout our marriage.





K. Basically facetime and email would seem to be the only viable ways to communicate without me having a record.




I don't feel comfortable with that on here. Sorry.

Thanks for your help MelodyLane.
No, no plan. I'm pretty resentful.

Please read this. Exposing to Children

Also, you need to tell OM's BW. Her cheating on him could all be a lie, she deserves to know.

I'm trying to keep B12, B10 out of it for now. FWW's parents and family didn't speak with her for almost a month. Problem with accessing her phone is that her C is saying she "needs" to have her privacy. I think it promotes secrecy.

Thanks BrainHurts. I'm not sure who his wife is or that would be good. If I have to contact more people at this point to prevent anything I would be ready to divorce.

Don't you think OM's BW deserves to know the truth about her life instead of living in a lie due to her WH's infidelity?

Wouldn't you want to know if you were in her shoes? Being the other Betrayed Spouse and not knowing is very, very hurtful and cruel.

That is where I would start. His family needs to know what he and your wife have done so she can protect herself and her children. His wife is a victim in all this too, so not telling her makes you an accessory to the crime. I seriously doubt you want to play that role.

I would also emphasize that as long as his wife doesn't know, your wife is free to pursue her husband. Howver, if she knew, she could take steps to prevent that.

Your children should be told the full truth. Giving them false explanations about the source of tension in your home only confuses them and teaches them to be dishonest in the end. It helps NO ONE to hide the truth from them, not your wife, not her boyfriend and most certainly, not your children.



K. Basically facetime and email would seem to be the only viable ways to communicate without me having a record.[/quote]

Those are huge gaping holes. I would get a key logger on whatever device she uses to communicate with the OM. Also, look around for secret cell phones.


I don't feel comfortable with that on here. Sorry. [/quote]

Well, if you want us to understand the problem, you need to tell us whether you feel comfortable or not.

Your children are already in it. They have every right to know the truth about their own lives.

I would get her phone when she is asleep and install spyware. She is very likely still in touch with the OM.

This "counselor" is very, very destructive to your marriage. You will likely end up divorced, I am sorry to say.

You should be ready to save your marriage, though. You owe that much to your kids. It is not good to help your wife and her boyfriend trick the OM's wife. Surely you are not suggesting it is a good thing to keep the affair a secret for your wife? I assure you it is not.

Enabling your wife's affair by keeping her secret from the OM's wife is just as destructive as having an affair. Whose side are you on? The affair or your marriage? Because helping the OM and your WW keep this secret is not in your best interest.

We can help you save your marriage, but there is nothing we can do for you if you choose to enable the affair. The longer you keep the secret, the more entrenched it becomes.

Yes, but I just don't know who she is. I'm not sure how long he had been divorced. I think he probably has a few girlfriends going at a time.

He is divorced? How do you know this? How long has he been divorced?

Let me ponder that one. D14 knows, I just don't feel like it's the right time to tell the boys. There has been relative calm for 3 weeks.



I'll look around for a key logger and secret cell phone. Again, if I have a suspicion that FWW is going to meet OM then I'm done with the marriage. He lives more than 3 hours away.


I don't feel comfortable with that on here. Sorry. [/quote]

Well, if you want us to understand the problem, you need to tell us whether you feel comfortable or not. [/quote]

I understand, I'm just not wanting to share that. Sorry. I appreciate the help and see that this leaves a gap.

He is divorced. Story is that his ex-wife cheated on him. I'm not sure how long he was married or how long since the divorce.

K, let me see how this week unravels. I agree, I'm not sure the couselor is helping. Last visit she mentioned that I should come to terms with the probability that my marriage will fail. Does it have to come to the spyware? Is there any way to guesstimate without that?

Our goal is to help you save your marriage, not to avoid conflict. If your goal is to avoid conflict, then you will be in for a rocky road because avoiding conflict causes more conflict.

The sooner your children know the full truth, the sooner your marriage has a chance to recover.



Do they have cars in his town? Because if he lives 3 hours away, he can be there in 3 hours.

And it takes 2 seconds to be in contact via phone, text or email. Your wife seems very foggy, so I seriously doubt the affair is over.



I understand, I'm just not wanting to share that. Sorry. I appreciate the help and see that this leaves a gap. [/quote]

Then I am fine with stepping away. We can't help you with half the facts.

You want to guess about something so serious? Why? Isn't that somewhat reckless and irresponsible? You have a responsibility to find out the truth when your spouse is doing something so destructive. Why would you not want to find out the truth so you can address it?

Have you been so successfully gaslighted by your wayward wife that you believe there is something wrong with snooping when you KNOW she has withheld key facts about your life? And may be doing so today? Does that seem like a rational response to you?