You can file for divorce, get custody and financial protection in place and then drag it out. If he doesn't make a radical change, you can go through the divorce. If not, you can drop it. The point is that you need to be legally protected.

I haven't read and listened to everything. I will do that.

I'm not sure what you meant by cover off with a less expensive therapist.

In my state I had to file for divorce as well & use it as my legal separation. Still a great idea to protect your assets.

I think you should also call around your area to the abuse shelters or domestic violence and just talk to them. They usually have free clinic & therapy etc. I believe you would be surprised at how bad your situation is.

So the older two will still feel betrayed if you stay with him, but your youngest could still have a relationship if you divorced....? Is that correct?

Unfortunately, this is usually true. In your case, it is probably very helpful because you are an abused wife and need a supportive ear. But just consider how "helpful" all your husband's therapy was for his behavior issues. It didn't help him at all.

It has been our experience on this board, that most therapists are destructive to marriages, though.

Correct. I think the middle boy would come around but the oldest is very angry. Being a teenager concerns as he could turn to drugs or run away. He was actually googling how to run away before I left.

I can't tell you what to do but personally- I would do whatever it takes to protect my kids.
To show them they matter.

FG, does he have access to your bank account? If so, I would shut that down immediately and give him the money from his disability checks. You don't want to leave yourself and your children vulnerable to getting financially wiped out. And don't think he won't do that if given the opportunity.

I would get you and your kids into AlAnon.

We do have joint accounts. That's why I took all the money out to pay my parents back (which I didn't have to do now). He opened a separate account already. His mother gave him some money for a lawyer if needed (he won't say how much but that he's to only use it for that). So he could use that account for his disability check. So there's nothing for him to get now.

The account my paycheck goes into for the house bills is in a smaller credit union. There are no branches near by and he honestly probably doesn't even know the name. I handle literally everything (even calling a plumber when he's the one home). I access that account from Downtown when I'm at work. However I think I'll open a new one in my name only.

I've been considering counseling for the kids. The oldest is very adamant about not going. Given the angry example he's seen he can get angry pretty easy at times. It's kind off a fine line. I don't want to push him too much. Honestly I think he'd not get in the car or just sit in the parking lot. My 100lb 5ft frame is no competition for a 15 year old boy.

He has seen the anger card work successfully for his father for years. Showing him that it is not acceptable is a great lesson. And I would certainly not tolerate it from him.

Great!!!

I would also get the locks changed so he can't come in and harm you.

FG, there are a bunch of great radio clips on this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165999&Number=2603602#Post2603602

Please also read through the thread linked by Brainhurts.

I completely agree. He doesn't act out like his dad when he gets angry. He very much doesn't want to be that way. He will usually walk off. The worst may be slam a hand on table or wall not enough to cause damage. I've made a fair amount of headway with the boys the last two months. When they get angry and argue and fight I tell them anger is not permission to do wrong. Slow but sure they are hearing me.

Slamming a wall or a table or anything is utterly unacceptable. People who act out in such a way have anger management problems. If he has seen your husband act out in anger, that is probably where he learns this behavior.

I agree. If he is already showing signs of anger that he has seen from his father, then he needs help also.

Ok so how do I handle that when he refuses? I CAN make him go. If worse comes to worse I can take the cell phone or such. My real concern is that making him might cause other issues. He's angry about everything that's happened. Right now he has one parent he'll listen to. I don't want him to feel isolated by this.

I would add this in your email to Dr. Harley.

I emailed Dr Harley early this week. I'm not sure if I'll get a reply or not. To update, I have a letter prepared to give my husband with my conditions. I've already gone over it with a lawyer as well. But I'm nervous about giving it to him. I suppose that's because I've been programmed to always focus on him and keeping the peace. And there's that little voice that tells me I'm doing the wrong thing. At the same time though my heart is so very hard and I can't imagine a good marriage. I don't how to change these feelings.

Also, I just listened to Fridays radio program. It was about a man who left his wife with a chronic pain disease. It was noted that even though it turned out to give a helpful clue, that him leaving an invalid wife was a bad thing. As I am in the reverse situation with my husband having chronic back pain, I feel terrible for making him leave. I know he had abusive behaviors and he needs help. With this situation though, should I be separating? How awful does that make me to leave a man who is disabled?

Writing this brings tears to my eyes. Partly the guilt, but the anger I feel rising up. Anger that I feel an obligation to take care of a man who has caused me a lot of pain (and I know he's in pain too aside from the physical).

FG, your situations are not remotely similar. The disabled woman on the radio show yesterday was not abusing her spouse. When a spouse is being abused, as you are, Dr Harley recommends separation. NEVER does he tell spouses they should hang around to be abused.


How awful is it to enable an abusive spouse? It has been awful for you and your children, hasn't it? Part of the reason this situation has become so bad is because you have enabled him to be a bad man by affording very inappropriate sympathy for terrible behavior. That hurts all of you. By stopping the enabling, you help him become a better man. You are not helping him with the enabling and the inappropriate sympathy.

You don't need to change your feelings, you need to put them aside and start using your logic and reason. Your feelings have caused you to make some very bad decisions in your marriage.

Your husband wants his family to care for him. If he really wants that then he can step up to the plate and make some radical changes. Help him do that by ending your enabling.