If he really wants to have a family, he needs to make radical changes in his behavior. Does he want his family bad enough to do that?

He wants his family back terribly. I believe he'll do the things on my list one I give it to him. The therapist (that he blew up with) gave him a referral to another that also deals with chronic pain. He's called twice already and left messages. He's said he will go to anger management too. I don't know if he's looked into it yet though. And of course he'll go to joint counseling again too. On my list I did include no alcohol, marijuana, or narcotics. I don't know how that one will go. I imagine he'll agree to it but always feels like I'm controlling him - we'll see.

Currently he's trying to go out on a date, and upset that I don't want him here once I get home, and that I don't even want to go to church together. I am realizing that I am extremely mad and angry, and that I can't let go of my "walls" that are protecting me. I sometimes feel I just want a divorce, but feel guilty for that, but also don't know how to even give it a chance. (We did have three joint counseling sessions, but then he blew up and was asked to leave).

I finally stood up and did something when I left. I made the decision to divorce but then decided not to make a rash decision. I never saw another option of separating and an improved marriage. Right now I feel like "working on it" puts me back in a place I was (not standing up for myself). I suppose I think I should "want" to save my marriage but I don't. My feelings definitely don't and intellectually or logically I'm not so sure either.

Did you actually read this thread and what Dr. Harley says to do with an Angry Husband?

You have no control over him, but you do have control over what you will or won't tolerate. And you shouldn't tolerate abuse.

That is cute that he says he will do all these things and has left messages, but talk is cheap. He needs to COMPLETE anger management and demonstrate good behavior for at least a year before you even consider taking him back.

I would strongly advise you NOT to go to joint counseling because that will be a disaster. You will both end up more angry than you were before the session. There is no point in doing that.


You need to take a time out from him. Don't go out with him or see him until you start seeing some major changes in his anger management training. And I would certainly not let him n the house. You don't want to come home and have him hanging around.


I see a persistent thread here where your "feelings" are clouding your judgement.
Feelings are not truth. Do you see how irrational it is to "feel guilty" for a sane reaction? Of course you think about divorce. That would be the natural reaction to an abusive situation. And it may be the best answer in the end.

You have trained your mind to feel guilty for standing up for yourself. That is why this situation has become so dire.


You do not have to do anything. You may decide after a year of separation to not reconcile. THAT IS YOUR PREROGATIVE!! You are not obliged to ever take him back.

Yes I did. Most of it I had already read prior to my first post. I am super analytical (math degree) and can find ways I think my situation is different (ie his disability, or I've caused problems too, etc) and then think and rethink. It's hard for me to make a decision and stand firm on it.

How do I learn to be confident in my decisions? I agree a break is needed, but I am still who I am (or who I've trained myself to be). Is individual therapy effective for this? I am still seeing the therapist alone. Last week she got me thinking using the way he verbally attacked her as an example. That I easily recognized it was wrong with her but don't and tolerate it when's it's me or the kids.

The way you gain confidence is to start making good decisions and following through on them. So far, many of your decisions have been based on pure emotion and have not served you well.

You have been in a very dysfunctional environment for a long time and separating from your husband will help the fog clear. We can also help you on this forum with an objective viewpoint.


The person you are can change to one who makes decisions that are good for you.

When you put a plan together and follow it that will help build your confidence and help you get out of this abusive marriage.

MelodyLane has given you the steps.

Our 10 year old spent the afternoon with my husband - movie, games, and Subway. On the way home my husband mentioned how mom is keeping money from him. He thought our son would have known this and asked him not to say anything when he realized he didn't know. When he came in I could tell something was wrong. Eventually he said something but followed it with please don't say anything I don't want to get in trouble.

I mentioned in a previous post my husband was withdrawing money for weed and he says other things. But the hotel, gas, and food were all on his credit card which I had paid out of joint money. So anyway, I took all the money out of our joint savings account and repaid money we owed to my parents. And he's upset about it. All we have left now are retirement accounts, my paycheck, and his disability check.

Not sure how to handle this. I don't want to keep him from "living" but don't want all our money gone either. Anyhow, now it's with my parents. I'm having a hard time with that objective viewpoint.

Flowergirl, there is nothing to handle here. You are doing just fine. Stick with your plan!!

I need advice. I went over my letter/list with my therapist. One item she questioned was no alcohol, weed, illegal substances, or pain pills ever. Really only the part about the pain pills. She's seen how bad off he is physically. He walks with a cane and very slow at that. Her response was that I'm basically saying he can't treat his pain. And I know not treating it can lead to other problems. Alcohol and weed are obvious but I also told her the pain pills are a deal breaker for me. I got the impression she thought I was unfair but I did explain the history.

The pain pill addiction ended 12 years ago when he sat on me and choked me. I kicked him out for three weeks and let him come home if he quit the pills. He had to go to a methadone clinic for withdrawals. After that he switched to Suboxone which is something like an anti-narcotic. It's for withdrawals too, helps with pain, but doesn't give the high. At least that's what I've been told. He's been taking that ever since. His doctor now won't keep writing the script with all the government rules. So he is tapering off of it and in more pain. And he's still smoking weed.

Over the years I've always been leery of the pills. Even if he had a bottle say from the dentist he would still take more than he should. It was ok though because he didn't have refills. The therapist suggested I allow him but I give them to him. Well we went down that road before and I won't do it. So am I being in uncompassionate making it hard to treat his pain? Should I consider more the situation he is in? I realize there are other options like injections but not always as successful.

Let your husband figure it out. He is a big boy. That is not your problem. Your condition is that you won't live with him as long as he is taking narcotics.

He is not living with you, is he?

No he isn't living at the house. He's still in the hotel. All those years back after I said no to the pills he eventually started smoking and then growing the weed. Well that was a disaster too. I never stood up to it till now.

I don't want the pills (past experiences mentioned), the weed (too much control of our lives and illegal), or the alcohol (the blow up weekend). Unfortunately he can't handle substances. I say unfortunately because someone in chronic pain may need pain pills. But I can't do it.

The weed affected him the least physically but I couldn't stand the control in our lives from growing it and him needing time in the garage to smoke it (away from family a lot). Plus he would over indulge and get high.

Kind of puts us at an impasse. I am emailing my letter later tonight and will see how it goes.

FG, here is the thing: you can't live with him while he is on narcotics because he is not safe. If he has to be on narcotics, whatever the reason, it doesn't oblige you to live with him and put up with his horrible behavior. You don't have to live with him at all. You may decide, regardless of what he does, to end the marriage. That is your right and your prerogative.

But you shouldn't even CONSIDER reconciling unless and until he completes an anger management program and demonstrates at least a YEAR of good behavior. Even then, you are not obliged to reconcile.

You are basically saying that you will no longer be abused because of his drug use and his anger problems. It doesn't matter why he takes it. What matters is that you are no longer willing to be available to be abused. And perhaps he will need to take pain killers. In that case, he can live elsewhere. But your safety and emotional welfare comes first. It is not fair to ask you to live with an abusive man who may - or may not - become more of a loose cannon by taking narcotics.

If she would like to be abused, she can invite him to live with her and take narcotics all day long. I know that sounds snide, but I think its real easy to tell others to tolerate intolerable situations when it is not their ox getting gored.

Thanks for the voice of reason. Makes perfect sense.

But this is where my mind goes:
The narcotics addiction was twelve years ago. Should I give him another chance? All this time later is it still fair to assume he'd end up addicted again? Maybe he could take them safely again.

YES.

Your husband's narcotic addiction has never ended. Once an addict, always an addict. He has just switched his drug of choice. The pain killers made him crazy in the past and they will make him crazy in the future.

If you explained that your husband went crazy and tried to kill you while on narcotics, no decent doctor would prescribe them.

There are many non- narcotic opptions for pain. I know because I won't take narcs.