My husband has been spiraling into life crisis for the last several years... he went into a deep depression, fueled by a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol, maybe an all out addiction, he became very suicidal, and then in all that groping for meaning and misery, he had an affair. I found out about the affair almost a year ago, and didn't find Marriage Builders until a few months had passed. So things were not all done perfectly by the book. I told him immediately he could not sleep in my home and with her, or text her in my presence, or shower in my home and go to her, so he moved out. I exposed only to the people who were in my support circle, and locally, but not really far and wide and to his extended family and to the people that maybe mattered most to him. I told the kids immediately. We have 6 kids, ranging from 4-14. So he has basically lived out the natural life of the affair, and I have done my best to regain health, and stability for me and the kids. We have not gotten divorced. He has continued to support me financially, I have been able to continue staying home with the kids and homeschooling them, and he and I have become very kind and amicable in our dealings with each other. As I began to read up on Marriage Builders, it has restored my hope in marriage and the ability to have a good relationship after an affair... and I began to talk with him more about that potential so we spent a lot of time talking about our relationship, how it could look, what we would want to change, but still, he had never ended the affair. So even though he talked a lot of interest in relationship, I didn't see it happening in reality, and I told him I didn't see the point in us carrying on a type of relationship that was going no where. So for about the last month, for the first time, I have attempted to cut off all contact with him except for exchanging kids and money. In the last two weeks, after he left suicide notes, I reached out to a couple of his friends,(and the police, and his family and his therapist) who then stepped in for more accountability and support, and they exposed to his work world and relationships. I have been told he broke up with his girl friend at that point (2 weeks), realizes he has an alcohol problem and is "working on it", I know he's gone back to his therapist some, but I think that depends on his work schedule. But these things are not really done in an effort to win me back, he wants to talk to me, have some level of friendship with me, but really lacks hope probably for life in general, and lacks hope in us having a good relationship. So I guess I'm wondering how to negotiate these waters... the accountability, alcohol, girlfriend, and working on personal health are the things on my list of requirements that I want to see in him before I could consider a relationship... time will tell if they are real and lasting changes... but he's not ready to jump into a full on marriage builders marriage, I'm not sure I'd be ready either... should I start talking to him? Suggest counseling? Thank you for your time and help

You need to be in a dark Plan B. The fact that he has been successful at breaking through to you is only going to reinforce his continuing to try. He is happy keeping you on the side as his second option. You need to act to protect yourself from the emotional abuse. Expose him far and wide, then go into a dark Plan B where you won't even know about his wayward reactions.

I agree and he needs to get into AA. Are you and your kids in AlAnon?

Here How to Plan B Correctly

Just so I'm really clear, the changes he's supposedly making don't count as enough yet? Somewhere I've seen posts on how to know if it's a true recovery, but I think that's the wrong word... maybe I need to go look for that.

Oh, and I'm not in AlAnon. I've gone to our local Celebrate Recovery, but maybe I'll check into AlAnon

His emotional abuse of you has left you in a betrayed spouse fog that makes it very difficult to see things as others do. The suicide notes are a huge red flag, as is the alcoholism. Your WH has no credibility. What he says does not matter, only what he does matters. You need to write him a Plan B letter that clearly spells out all the extraordinary precautions he must follow. These are non-negotiable. Then you have to end contact with him until he is addresses all of those conditions. He will not do so until he knows that his old habits of threatening suicide and trying to talk his way out simply can not work anymore.

What actions has he done? I didn't see any real actions. Maybe I missed them?

Tell us what he has done from this list.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the affair partner (AP) again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the AP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the AP:

_____Block potential communication with the AP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

OK, I guess my question is, how do I know if he's met the qualifications if I don't communicate with him? How is that part supposed to look? That he has broken off with OW, that he is "working on alcohol problem" and that he's being held accountable by other men is something I've been told by the other men. So how to I confirm more specifics with no contact? I get what you say about being in the fog. I suspect my own judgement...

You have your IM communicate these things to you. In your Plan B Letter you would put these conditions in.

Did you read the Plan B thread?

Did you see this? ^^^^

Hi Joy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. YEs, MrEureka is correct, you should be in a pitch dark Plan B at this time. The reason is because he is not anywhere near ready for recovery. Staying in touch with him and making yourself available like this makes you less attractive and gives him no motivation to change. It has horrible effects on your emotional and physical health, which makes you even less attractive.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Are you familiar with Plan B?

You would designate an intermediary who would know. He would need to give up drinking entirely, end ALL contact with his OW and commit to a program of marital recovery before you should have any contact with him.

What does that mean he is "working on alcohol problem" exactly? Did he quit drinking? Does he attend an alcohol recovery program?

What is the status of the OW? Does she live close by?

Ok. That makes sense. Thank you

So what is your plan?