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Stop the self-flagellation. It is unattractive. I hope you didn't send that.
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No I didn't send it. I don't plan to. I think I did it to admit things to myself that I keep denying. I do believe she is still in a fog, and she has to heal from her affair, and from mine.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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If you think broadly, any interaction with another human involves an attempt to get them to behave in a certain way. But not every action is "controlling."
Exerting "control" involves coercion, usually a punishment to force the other person to act the way you wish. These usually take the form of Lovebusters, especially angry outbursts, selfish demands and disrespectful judgements.
Before the affair, did you use Lovebusters to coerce your wife in the behaving as you wanted? If this only became an issue because you stood against her waywardism, you are not controlling so much as stalwart. If it was an issue before, eliminate the behavior. Actions will speak more than any letter could.
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Dear Misty 10/09/2015
I had a moment early this morning, I was sick to my stomach. Sick to admit what I could not. As it turns out I was more controlling than even I realized.
Ove the past 10 years, I did all I could to love you, I tried my hardest to make you happy, to keep our marriage going. All the while allowing my guilt and shame for what I did to you back then eat me alive. Unaware at the hell you lived inside your heart.
The other day you told me when we first started dating you were using me, that you didn�t even like me. That contradicts that you fell in love with me � I believe the latter, but your perspective is your own. You also told me just 2 days ago, that you weren�t even sure if you liked me now. And that�s what hit me this morning.
For ten years, I have been holding on to you, trying to convince you of a marriage that we never could attain. Regardless that my perspective still sees that as possible, I think I now understand that yours may be radically different.
I am questioning if we should be together at all. Perhaps I hold you back. After all for 10 years you have tried to run away from me, and all I do is draw you in my delusional world of a �happy life�. I held so tightly on that notion that you have love for me, and that you truly did want to be with me, I led myself to belief that it had to be that way � still ignoring the fact that you just keep running away.
I don�t believe you want to be with me, a part of me feels that you have been arguing with yourself trying to figure it out. And all I do is find ways to become a better me to keep you home. And all that does is make you question what you already had figured out. So you come back, unhappy, in charge, and the only answer is because you really just don�t want to be where I am. Even if these changes are right, and healthy for me � it all boils down to control. It almost feels that falling in love at all is just another form of control.
I got turned upside down this year, I tortured myself to find that inner me � the man I swore I was. I found strength and purpose, and of all things I thought impossible I found God. And I did all this because I knew it was the right thing to do - and hoped so greatly that you would appreciate that change and come home. I made these changes for me, and our children; and of course for you also. I would have done it without you just the same, whether you were here, died, or moved away. And I called this noble. And then realized � even becoming a better me, For God, our children, and you � was all for control.
I did the right thing, I did a noble deed, I found truth, I became a father, I learned how to become a good husband, a good man. And I thought, �Good job Bill, you did very well learning from your past, now hold onto hope that your marriage can be restored, by the glory of God�.
Then I realized, you do not want to be with me. And I am still controlling you.
I�m Sorry apples123 already made a great point about what is and isn't controlling, and to bolster that I'd encourage you to revisit Dr. Harley's concept of the Giver and Taker when you start feeling/thinking this way. It is not only normal but healthy for you to desire a great romantic marriage and all of the things that go along with it. In wanting that, you have not done ANYTHING wrong. Being only a giver is very destructive, it's not just an overactive taker that ruins marriages. Having needs and desiring for them to be met is normal (not controlling) and being respectfully honest about how well they are being met is healthy. It's a desirable attribute in a spouse. Honestly, I can relate a lot to wondering if your wife will be happy with you/ever loved you. My ex-wife told me a lot of the same stuff (as MOST waywards do) and with the issues we had in our marriage, I do wonder sometimes if there was a grain of truth to it. But you're playing on a different field here now because you've made changes and will continue to make changes to your own behavior. Give this some time and stop torturing yourself by looking back. You've come too far and fought too hard to concede this much to history. Last thought...a demonstration of change in most cases means more than any apology for poor behavior. Whatever you are tempted to believe you can achieve with apologies about the past is much less likely to be taken seriously than setting an example of extraordinary care for your wife. Don't get caught up in words...use that energy to continue your Plan A and meet her needs.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 278
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So,
We are in a place now where she has not commitment to reconcile - expected to some degree being an exit affair. OM is still trying to get her face to face - and today she agreed to do it - she shared the texts and she tried not to but gave in. (his trueness showing through).
Speaking with a friend I came to this question. .. Consequences. As her husband, I don't want to see her hurt or broken. I know that she has to go through what she is going through - it's a must. But, as her husband, how do I allow some consequences to happen - i.e. a place to live - if she stays where she is the environment is not helpful - if she comes "home" while not ready, the healing will be slower or futile. Falling to rock bottom would require me to "allow" it..(by not offering to stay her - which I have already offered it).
am i making sense?
The prodigal son, his father accepted him - no conditions no consequences (from the father) - I agree with this 100%. But as a husband, and consequences to decisions are necessary (not by me), a line needs to be drawn what I should "save" her from".
With a child, you allow them to learn lessons, but you would let them walk into a pit of fire to learn that it burns, but you may "let" them touch a small flame. As an adult she makes her own choices, and by even making a suggestion - I might prevent that "learning".
Last edited by Billman12; 10/13/15 10:20 AM.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
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Posts: 863 |
The "consequences" were experienced during her affair. That's why her affair ended. You don't need to "punish" her. In fact, if you wish to restore your marriage, you will want her to move back home, so you can do a better Plan A.
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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Yes I do want her to move back home, more than anything. But she does not want to - because as this Exit affair that she has read about and agreed to - she doesn't know if she wants to. And her healing and learning Will be hindered if she comes home now, possible - but a much much longer process.
Last edited by Billman12; 10/13/15 10:24 AM.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 863
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Posts: 863 |
And I don't know the psychology involved here, so maybe someone else can correct me, but despite her obvious relapse allowing a face to face with OM, she's showing you these messages. Why would she be showing you messages from him? In my reading of the situation, she's still in the fog, so she's telling you that she doesn't want to reconcile, because that's the wayward's prime directive: to not give false hope. But she's beginning to take steps towards reconciliation. Until she's out of the fog, she will continue sending mixed signals.
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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Yes newb77, I see a path of reconciliation. She is honest about everything, usually up front without me asking. She mentions "our future" in "if we do this" wordings. But she is verbally adamant to denying she is thinking about it. I do agree there is some fog still - but your answer is making sense.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Posts: 577
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Very simply, she is still in the FOG of the affair or at the least is going through withdrawl.
Either way she will be all over the map and you can't really believe a word she says. Actions by her will show you.
Keep plan A, i agree it appears there is some hope. It could be all a massive acting job though. Waywards should be up for academy awards and emmy's.
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Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Posts: 968 Likes: 1
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NebDane is right on the money. This affair should be considered active until your wife agrees to the EPs outlined in SAA, and your job until she does is to meet her needs in Plan A, avoid all lovebusters, and respectfully communicate to her that her affair hurts you/ask her to end it and follow the EPs.
Until she agrees to the EPs you are not out of the woods yet. But you are much closer than you were 6 months ago.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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And MB doesn't recognize the distinction between an exit affair or any other so I don't think it helps you to think of it in those terms. Of the situations I've seen here, nearly ALL of the WWs considered the affair their exit to the marriage.
What matters is that you follow through with Plan A until the affair is stone dead.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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11 years today. Man what I wouldn't give to celebrate it.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
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Have you invited your wife on a date?
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Yes She works tonight, so I asked her last week if I could take her out tomorrow night. he said she'd let me know, but we don't have anyone to watch our kids so I am trying to figure that out.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 278
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And I just got a text stating she wants "space" again . so....sigh
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
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She called me this morning and said some things. She is confused and her mind changes daily - so I a hesitant to act on anything. One thing does appear true, she is (not EP's sadly) adamant that she has not and does not want any contact with OM.
She said I have never held her accountable for her prior affairs, nor this one. She was right. I haven't. I don't know how, or that I "should" have to. But in truth she has never faced any sort of 'rejection' from me, or that I would ever be 'done'.
I do understand ( the best I can) where she is. Lost confused and unable(willing) to trust me and 'come home' (i think this house is a major trigger), and just commit to something she is not ready for.
Me: 35
Her: 31
Together: 05/03/2002
Married: 10/14/2004
Children: D10,D8,S5
Bomb: 08/26/2014
Wife's Affair Ended 10/01/2015
Reconciliation, without commitment .... Yet
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