Been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. Live 45-55 minutes away from each other, both have kids but his are out of the house. He works mostly from home. My youngest is 11 and half-time with me at my house, so big adjustments on both parts - horrible commute/time for me, a young kid for him. We got serious, staying at each other's houses, spent most of our time together pretty quickly after meeting. To my shock at month 7, instinct told me to snoop on his phone when he accidentally left it home when on a long bike ride - found that he had been texting at least 3 other women throughout our entire relationship (1 of which an ex gf, 1 a past co-worker that he was emotionally intimate with - had "one date" with but are still "friends", and 1 of which a "friend of 20+ years" through their kids that he's very close with - unhappy w/her husband, getting therapy, tells my bf she loves him, etc. He told me that if he was receptive to her, she would've had an affair with him.) I found that the ex gf he went to meet in April but he told me he only met in the parking lot for 15 mins b/c he wanted to see how she was doing, he felt guilty about how he ended their relationship, etc... I almost left him but he tried to explain it all away and apologized, begging for a 2nd chance, wanted to start fresh, wanted the opp to prove he can be trusted, wanted to be completely "transparent", blocked these people, etc. Against my better judgment, I gave him that chance. He throws me bones about wanting to marry me (says he sold stock options to buy me a ring), that he wouldn't be selling his house and us moving in together if he didn't want to commit to me, that I'm his priority and all he wants/needs in his life. Of course since then I've been suspicious, never resting, never at ease especially with his phone and him working from home. Always takes phone into the bathroom, plays a stupid video game on it that he dumps major $$ into (thousands of $$) that he was also hiding from me. Gets angry when questioned (still). A few weeks ago I found he was still in contact with at least 1 - the 20 year "friend". When confronted, he denied it but as I asked over he admitted he talked to her "one time" which was another lie. He said he wanted to see how she was doing, tried to explain and excuse it away again. And also lied about spending more $ on his game. He knows he failed me and wants to make things right but of course I'm worried about trusting him again and history repeating. I'm sure there are other incidents that I'm forgetting. Now he asks that I just "let it go" and believe in him, and if I don't we shouldn't be together. I'm in full agreement with Dr. Harley's advice and going to pose all the policies on this site to him, see how it all goes. I wanted to see his phone bills for the past 3 months but that was an issue too. He just "wants to start fresh" -- AGAIN. It's the rebuilding trust that is hanging me up. Do I consider past events "cheating"? Any input would be appreciated.

Trust is a feeling, not a decision. Certain things have to be done to create trust. If he won't do those things, you will never feel trust for him. Given that you are not married to him I would suggest you move on and hold out for a man who will do what it takes to make his woman trust him.

Have you checked out Dr. Harley's radio show?

Hi Reserved, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please go read Dr. Harley's article about living together before marriage. That should help you understand that you are making very critical, strategic mistakes by living together before marriage. Couples who live together before marriage have an 85% divorce rate. Your odds are even worse than that because you are a blended family.

Dating is a job interview for marriage and surely you can see that he has failed in many aspects. He is dishonest, sneaky and seems to have an addiction to video games. Your relationship is a set up for disaster. And i suppose he is cheating, however, he is not married. He is not committed to you so he is essentially a free agent.

My suggestion would be move back home, stop shacking up, and date some more. You should also be dating other people to find a better match. It is clear he is not a good match, so you need to keep shopping. You can find someone who you will love but who doesn't have the bad character traits that this candidate possesses. Keep looking and take your time!!

Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

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