Well, to begin with, I am the other woman or the second wife as they called me while everyone seemed so excited to have me there.
Here's the background information. I was in a relationship for way too long (over a decade) without him wanting to get married or take relationship seriously. We broke up and I went to my best friend crying about it being over. Although it should have ended, he was still by far the closest person to me and I was sad to see all of my efforts and hopes shattered. My best friend was ecstatic for the breakup and kept talking about a show she watched on HBO called big love. Every conversation we had was about polygamy and how I need someone like her husband. She wanted me to go out with him. She loved the idea of me going out with him because she didn't like to and it took the pressure off of her. It continued this way for a while. Everything adventurous and recreational that I loved to do, so did he and she said that was his second wife's job to do them with it.

She was so relieved and excited to have me there. One morning texted me and said she had the best sex of her life the night before thanks to me. She said that they talked about having a threesome with me and it was amazing. So she invited me to do it with them. Inwardly I was extremely skeptical, but I said sure. Later on I told her that I didn't want things to get weird with us or want her to feel weird with me around. I started to enjoy working out with him and going to events and I didn't want to jeopardize my growing friendship with him or risk my friendship with her. She thought my concerns were silly.

She wanted to plan a big trip with the three of us to have this sexual experience. I was still inwardly a little nervous and skeptical and suggested that we just drive somewhere and do a stay action instead of the extravagant overseas trip she envisioned.

She couldn't seem to wait for the trip and one night after dinner she wanted to watch him and I get a little busy where she would tell us what to do. She wasn't involved but was extremely turned on by watching.

We went on the trip at which point she told us to fall in love. In all honesty, I found everything that was lacking in my previous relationship in him. He met all of my needs flawlessly, with the exception of being able to fill the family commitment role (which is high on both of our lists). It was easy for us to love each other because we have so much in common and everything that was lacking in our relationships we found in each other.

I forgot to mention that they had always been my model couple. They were the couple that looked so amazing to the outside world (including me). She kept the image looking perfect and never discussed with anyone that they had issues.

Well it became quickly apparent that they were extremely disconnected from each other. She disrespected him behind his back. He complained and needed to vent about all their problems behind her back. He desperately wanted to fix things with her, but she had been unresponsive for years. She simply didn't talk and brushed all their problems under the rug. She presented a pretty picture and was so private that he feared talking to anyone. She refused counseling and he felt trapped.

When I came in the picture, she was so excited to have me there. She had a friend to talk with and do fun things with. She even expressed to both of us that she was falling in love with me. It was a very stressful position for me because here I was, in love with a married man that fell madly in love with me. And here is his wife and one of my closest friends also saying that she loved me.

Eventually she became silently jealous of our relationship. To this day, I'm not sure who she was jealous of. Initially, I believe it was both of us she was jealous of. I couldn't truthfully understand her and told her that I could never share my husband. That I'm not capable of doing something like that. She explained that she couldn't have done it at first but after 10 years, she is now able to.

Sharing was difficult for me. I fell in love with him easily. I kept telling myself that he isn't mine to share but any affection they shared did make me feel a tinge of uneasiness. I was always used to being the only girl in a relationship. I expressed that I couldn't see a future there for myself and broke it off several times. Of which we all ended up crying and I loved him so much that I kept trying.

He goes out of town for work and she told him that she wanted a one on one session with me while he was away. At first he thought that would be sexy. Then he told her not to because it would really hurt her. I was relieved because I didn't want anything sexual with her. I had no idea she would be interested in me. When she invited me in her bedroom, I thought it was to strictly to please her husband and mix things up in their marriage.

He went out of town and I left their house because I felt a little odd being their with just her. I left my iPad at the house. She opened it and read several emails between me and her husband. Another thing him and I have in common is we enjoy similar books and would discuss them by email. These were deep conversations were we explored controversial issues and religion. We discussed how we felt about each other as well. Her reading the emails felt to her like we had a secret relationship. In a way we did because she wasn't into a lot of the things we liked. She would never read the books we read etc. We did however openly express how much we fell in love with each other in front of her. I would talk to her about my feelings for him as well.

I didn't know how to talk to her about her sexuality or whether I should. She just explained one day that she read an article about a woman that was a lesbian that married a man and she quoted the article saying that "you just love who you love."

After she read the emails, she went into a fit and told him that she was divorcing him right before he took off. She came to my house and brought all of my belongings that were in their house (she also demanded that I live with them, so I had some stuff there). She didn't explain why she was upset, she just told me to take my things. I started to cry because at the time, I had no clue what was going on or what I did so wrong. After all, it was all her idea for me to be there at all.

After seeing me cry, she explained about the emails and I explained that it was no different than what we express in front of her face and that just like the bike rides and going to the gym, the emails discussing books was just another activity that we knew wouldn't interest her. She asked me to come back to the house. I did because she was distraught. She hugged me up that night and then continued to get physical with me all while her husband was on an extremely long flight not knowing what was going on.

He found out that we were physical and he didn't sleep for 5 days straight. He was beyond distraught that his wife would do that when he asked her not to. That was the beginning of the end.

For the past 2.5 years, she told him he has to pick. I told him that I cannot share a man. It's all so complex and painful. He expressed that he is absolutely in love with me and that he is very disconnected with his wife but he loves his family (they have 2 children who I am extremely close to as well). He has tried everything to make us all one family. He wants to be there for his family, but he also wants a life with love.

I wish I could express in words the love that him and I share. It's not the fairytale, just blissful feeling you get when you are just infatuated with someone. Because we didn't truly ever hope for a future together, our relationship was extremely honest and real from the beginning.

In efforts to help him rebuild his relationship with her and gain back his family life, I suggested them to read "his needs, her needs". She was so reluctant at first. She didn't want to read any of his silly books. He made it an ultimatum and she finally read it.

From the book, she realized that they were only meeting about 1 or 2 of each other's needs. Family/ Domestic (her)/ Financial (him). They both desperately needed their needs to be met and that's how they involved me. They both were so ecstatic to have me in their lives. I love to make people happy, so I was happy that they enjoyed me there as much as they did. We made our top 10 needs list and needless to say, there was no surprise that his needs and mine matched up perfectly, with the exception of physical attractiveness being higher on his list than mine.

Needless to say, over the past 2.5- 3 years, he has tried everything to figure out how to decide what to do. They got separated and he has lived out of the house for almost a year but no decision has been made. I have tried to leave him so many times and he begs and begs for me to be in my life. He says that he picks me and as soon as he makes one step towards me, he feels too guilty to make any step towards leaving home. He loves his children so very much and is such a great father. He feels like he should sacrifice our love for their sake. But he so desperately wants to live life with me. It makes him want us all to be together even though his love for his wife is no longer there. He loves her as a friend and as the mother of his children. If it was between me and her, he says he would pick me. It's just that he feels like the decision is between me and his children and he can't do it.

Right now, I feel like I should sacrifice our love for him to go home to his family. He says he can't be happy there. And he can't truly be even genuinely happy for his children. The children miss him terribly and they don't understand what is going on. He is staying at a friends, so they don't go to his place. He only takes them to school every morning and spends evenings with them, but sleeps at his friends house.

I need a family and a husband for myself. That is my only dream. He doesn't want me to give up on my dream but does think that marriage wasn't everything he hoped for and maybe I can have it all with someone but he wishes I would stay with him.

I don't know what to do. I need my own husband. I am so very in love with him. He is stuck.

They are a mess and you don't have to be stuck with him.
You feel in love with him because he meets some of your emotional needs.
Presumably you could find a man eventually who isn't in an open marriage.

You deserve a real marriage (I say this because no one needs to settle for less in their life).

Cut ties and run for the hills.

In time, you may heal and thrive.

Thank you, "reading". It's hard because it's truly my first love. I was in a relationship for 15 years and it was just so much effort. What we share is so easy between us. Situation is beyond hard though. Thanks. I know I deserve more.

It is always hard to turn away from the feeling of 'love' but sometimes it isn't worth putting another moment into a dreadful mess.

Love is earned by joy and not by pain.

Believe you are worth the real thing.

(even if you need to do without it for a bit until you are ready for it for REAL)

You need to leave the married man alone and get out of their lives. Your presence has all but wrecked their marriage. You have no business inserting yourself in this woman's marriage. Leave them alone and move on. Learn to use some common sense and judgement in your life. The choices you have made by committing adultery and assisting in the destruction of this marriage are examples of pisspoor judgement.

I don�t like to make comparisons to billy goats, but I am sure you have the ability to make better decisions than you have made here. Do you know you shouldn�t screw married men? Does your family know what you have done? How do you introduce someone�s else�s husband to your family, for example? �Here is the married man I am shagging?� I am just trying to imagine how one brings a married man home to meet her parents?

Has it occurred to you that if he did this to his wife, to whom he has a commitment, that he will do it to you? Why would you volunteer for such a destructive lifestyle with a punk?

Yes, I understand. Yet please understand that it was her idea to include me. It also was a bad decision because she approached me when I was leaving a 15 year relationship. She didn't want to meet his needs that he was asking for and wasn't communicating to him what her needs were. She was happy to have someone else do them. I know it was a bad decision on my part. I know it was a bad decision of their part. They have the commitment to each other and a family,

Also, she keeps asking for me to return as well. I am the one insisting that I need to move on because I cannot share love. This is why he is so confused on what to do because he wants me in his life.
Anyway, I have decided to completely cut him off so that he can eventually let go of me and try at home. It's complicated because he ends up resenting her when I leave because she brought me into their life instead of working on their issues. She only now wants to work on their problems after he fell in love with me.

But she is not responsible for your bad choices. YOU ARE. I am presuming you are a grown woman? Not even 5 year olds get away with blaming others for their bad behavior. You need to own your own bad behavior.

Stay away. Stay out of other peoples marriages. It is none of your business what goes on their marriage.

Have you read the articles on this site. Dr. Harley's objective is to help married couples build strong, romantic monogamous marriages.

If that is what you want for yourself in the future then read the articles here and buy his books, starting with Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.

He would advise that you cut contact with this other couple for life and never see or communicate with them again.

Got it. I do take responsibility for my own actions and decisions. It was a bad idea for all of us. We all were in desperate need of having needs met and went about it by a really bad solution. I am just shedding light that affairs are not just one sided. Also in some cases a couple makes you feel like they need you to survive in their marriage although I know better. I come from a 2 parent household. I believe in marriage and working it through. I gave them these books to read because I have read them.
It's just very difficult when your heart is involved. It's important to guard your heart.
I think the general idea of someone that has an affair is that they are bad and the OW/ OM are bad people. Of course, some are. It's just that every situation is complicated. When a couple seeks needs to be met outside of the marriage, it is a clear sign of problems within and both are responsible. Fix the problems within before seeking needs elsewhere.
I have always been too giving and too much of a people pleaser. I was hesitant and skeptical and I knew better to make this decision to be with a married couple. It's just that I was at a vulnerable time in my life.
I also have been good friends with her for over 18 years. So we have had a hard time letting go of our friendship. As I met her needs she fell in love with me too. I just don't have those feeling reciprocated to her. That is one complication.
Anyway, I too need love. I too need someone for me. I am not a bad person. I did have good intentions. It just got extremely painful and complicated.
We have a lot of mutual friends and people that are very close to all of us. I have recently cut off all communication with both of them. What does that mean though? Do I now need a new set of friends and people that are close to me? Should they not decide how to stay away from me as well?
Anyway, I am moving forward.

But your bad decisions are your own. You alone make your own decisions so if they are bad, the buck stops with you.


Yes, but you know full well that adultery does not help marriages, so this spin is no excuse. If I told you I needed you to rob a bank because it made my marriage better, would you rob a bank for me? If you did, you would go to prison, right where you belong. You simply can't blame your bad behavior on others. That doesn't work for 5 year olds and it won't work for you.


I would stay out of the marriage advice business if I were you. So far your behavior has been devastating to marriage. Someone who sleeps with married men is not a good source of marriage wisdom.

My suggestion is to find some friends who are healthy, functional, sane people who can help you learn to make better decisions. Perhaps even a therapist might help.

How old are you?

Melody lane, I understand your form of communication is a form of tough love. You say it like it is without mixing words and I appreciate you. Please understand that we are all flawed, including yourself. We do not all make the best decisions or know how to fix our problems. This is why this forum exists. We are ALL trying our best, including me. No, I didn't make the right decision (as so many people on this board). We all are trying. Thank you for your perspective. Please be considerate of those who share their stories on this forum. It is not coming from a place of looking for others to side with me. We are all simply hurt people, trying to find the right way to happiness. I have removed myself from the situation and I do need to surround myself with positive and healthy people that are also striving to find the best ways to happiness. It was stupid and silly of me to think I was helping a couple get back their fire in their marriage. I thought they were the best couple I knew. I learned of their several problems as I became their crutch. It has been extremely difficult. Although they still want me there, I know that I am doing what is best for them as well by disappearing. It's best for me and best for them.

People make mistakes at all ages. The great thing with mistakes is that we grow and learn from them. I have lived a rather sheltered life without any problems or strife. This mistake does give me a much better perspective on relationships and how to improve them and also how they can fail. Life is a journey and we all should learn from our pain.

How old are you? Are there any children involved?

You say you've cut all communication with them. When was the last contact?

Have you changed all your contact information?

You have alot of nerve to come on here and try and tell someone how to post. **EDIT** who is giving you such excellent advice and advice that would align with Dr. Harley.

If you agree that you have made this mistake, then why all the defensiveness and blame shifting? Your reaction reflects a person who does not really understand that she made a mistake and that is why I am pointing this out. You weren't their "crutch;" you were their poison. An adultery partner is not a crutch, she is poison.

Yes, we do all make "mistakes." But we don't all commit adultery and then try to justify it and pretend we were only helping.


Absolutely.


Do you believe you were trying your best when you had sex with a married man? What other bad things have you done when you were trying your best?

How old are you?