It was really like, she didn't want to get out of the car at the gas station in the morning. She always gets a cold Starbucks coffee, and I get a Monster. But since I am the one going in and swiping the card, I'm the one who made the purchase. I think it is more the anxiety that we are blowing through our cash to fast on small things like lunch and drinks in the morning. A week or so ago, I got very irritated that she spent her entire paycheck in 2 days without regards to the bills, (we have a POJA on the bills and income) but I kept quite. I am most certain that she is still upset with previous lifestyle and wrong doings that I will continue to be blamed and ridiculed until she is able to heal. I am ok with this, yet it still hurts and I need to learn to cope.

Everything gets POJAed except things that you have both agreed should not be POJAed. It sounds as if coffee at the gas station needs to be POJAed at least for now. Keep the discussion short and safe and have it away from the heat of the moment. A successful POJA deposits tons of love units. If she wants to exempt it, she will ask and you can POJA that too . . .



No you do not need to 'learn to cope', you need to change your marriage. Read back over your thread, you have had some great advice on this.

You cannot expect things to get better for you as long as you lovebust her. She will not be willing to meet your emotional needs as long as you lovebust her.

If you want to get ANYWHERE in your marriage, you are going to have to stop the lovebusters first. You cannot fill a bucket if you are punching holes in it.

STOP questioning it, and STOP justifying your lovebusters.
It is perfectly normal for her to excel with finances at work but also be unwilling to discuss money with you. She doesn't need you scrutinizing her feelings or motives. It's a lovebuster.

If you want her to talk with you about money, you're going to have to stop treating her this way.

Thank you Prisca! Sometimes I need a swift kick in the %^&&. I guess it's that whole accountability thing and I am glad to have you guys show me this.

I would like for you to know that what I say on here is venting (for which I need to stop!) but under no circumstances do I bring up these terms in front of my wife. Around her, I am very passive. I have learned to shut my mouth. Even when I catch a lie, I keep my mouth shut. Even though I shut my mouth, on occasion my body language lets me down. I am constantly talking my wife up and giving praise for even problem areas. This is actually helping in some areas, but reinforces some unhealthy behavior to my dismay. I want her to know that she is loved for not only the good but also the bad. I have stopped demands and arguments. And I have learned that when she says that I don't listen, it doesn't mean my ears aren't working, it means I don't do what she says. I do not disrespect her, even though I have in here, but I do become very frustrated and don't know where to let that frustration out, other than here.

In my experience in my own marriage and on this board, people who think they can "vent" and disrespect their spouse when their spouse is not around without it affecting how they treat their spouse to their face are usually fooling themselves.

Odds are you are disrespectful to her when she's around, too, and you do not realize it. Disrespect is a tricky lovebuster, often committed with the best of intentions, and one that is difficult to overcome.

In my thinking, Since money is such a huge EN for my wife, she doesn't want me to spend any money, not even on her. I want to show her I care for her and I want to be able to shower her with affection. I make her a latte in the morning before she wakes up, I make sure things have been done in the morning so that all she needs to do is get dress and head to work. I clean the house and make sure the kids are taken care of. I take care of the outside of the house and I also make sure that her car stays clean.

We used to go out to eat very regularly, yet because of money, I find that this upsets her even when mentioned. I want to buy her flowers, but again money. I see that she is most happy when she is spending money too. I'm starting to wonder if I need to win the lotto. I noticed that money was a huge issue 7 years ago when we started having problems. I wanted to make this issue go away so I sacrificed my time, marriage and family life to pursue a bachelors degree. Now we both have great jobs, but money is still an issue... The bachelors degree really has taken its toll, or should I say my sacrifice is something that I need to make up for. I'm kinda lost.

She doesn't want me to touch or rub on her (no not groping), yet I need physically intimate. Is this a love buster?

I don't understand what you mean when you say that money or finance is an "EN" for your wife. I don't think you have understood the concept of emotional needs.

"My first goal when counseling a couple is to help them identify their most important emotional needs. Once those needs are identified, I help them learn to meet those needs for each other. I want them to make the largest deposits possible into each other's Love Banks. If all goes well, they begin making those large deposits and eventually they are in love with each other.

When I first began using this approach to saving marriages, I didn't know what made people the happiest in marriage -- I didn't know what emotional needs would be the most important. So I had to ask hundreds of men and women that question, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?"

As spouses explained what they wanted most, I classified their desires into emotional need categories. And almost all those I interviewed described one or more of only ten emotional needs as being most important to them (admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment). Very few ever named a most important emotional need that was not included in this list of ten."

The most important emotional needs

Within the context of a marriage, "emotional needs" are the acts of caring by one spouse that create feelings of love in the other spouse.

When discussing marriage, we should not use the term "emotional needs" to mean things that one spouse wants very badly, but that have nothing to do with making the other spouse fall in love with them.

You keep talking about your wife's issues with "money" and "finance", but you do not describe anything like what Dr Harley describes when he talks about "financial support" as an emotional need that some women have.

"People often marry for the financial security that they expect their spouse to provide them. In other words, part of the reason they marry is for money.
But there are others who marry before financial security becomes much of a consideration. Yet, as years go by, if a spouse is unemployed, underemployed, the other spouse can become very frustrated and unhappy. The need for financial support seems to develop after they have been married for a while, especially after children arrive.

It may be difficult for you to know how much you need financial support, especially if you were recently married or if your spouse has always been gainfully employed. But what if, before marriage, your spouse had told you not to expect any income from him or her. Would it have affected your decision to marry? Or, what if your spouse could not find work, and you had to financially support him or her throughout life? Would that withdraw love units?

You may have a need for financial support if you expect your spouse to earn a
living. But you definitely have that need if you do not expect to be earning a living yourself, at least during part of your marriage.
What constitutes financial support? Earning enough to buy everything you could possibly desire, or earning just enough to get by? Different couples would answer this differently, and the same couples might answer differently in different stages of life. That's why this need can be difficult to meet -- it can change over time.

Like many of these emotional needs, financial support is sometimes hard to talk about. As a result, many couples have hidden expectations, assumptions and resentments. How much money does your spouse have to earn before you feel frustrated about his or her paycheck? Your analysis will help you determine if you have a need for financial support, and if so, whether or not this need is being met.

Another point to remember is that when an important emotional need is met, love units are deposited in very large numbers. In other words, if someone were to meet this need for you, might you fall in love with that person? Does a person's income or wealth make him or her more attractive to you? And are those without money unattractive? If so, you probably have a need for financial support."

Financial support

Financial support means needing a spouse to be able to support you financially, which means anything from being able to pay the bills easily, to having a high standard of living; but the crucial word here is "support". It is something that one spouse needs the other to provide. If the other cannot provide that support, the feelings of love will diminish and eventually disappear.

When you talk about your wife's anxiety about money, there is nothing to suggest that she is looking to you to support her and make her feel financially comfortable. If she were, she would not be unhappy when you spent money on her. She is clearly anxious about money and spending, but just because she may be very concerned that money isn't wasted in your household, that does not mean that she has a high EN for FS. In other words, your spending (or not spending) in the way that she likes would not make her fall in love with you.

If you are mis-identifying her emotional needs, then you are focusing your energy in the wrong place and missing the target.

I can see that your wife has some sort of unease about money, but it does not sound to me, from anything you have described, as if this has much to do with her loving you.

I think you need to review what you are doing, and where you are targeting your efforts.

Thank you Sugarcane! I'm really struggling then. I have done more research on how to get my wife to love me than I ever did in college.

Man, are you listening to the radio show, daily?

OK so I may have screwed up...

I haven't been listening to the radio show and I have stopped reading the books because I have this problem when I think I know what I am doing and take things on my own. Either way, I caught my wife having sex with what was a friend. As I look back, I can see the signs. I have since left the state with my children under the advise from my Lawyer. Now she is getting defensive and willing to do anything to get her kids back, but talk to me. She has also gone as far as to try and get me arrested... She is still with this man. She has chosen him over her family. For now, I am done with this woman. I have forgiven her and willing to make amends, but it will take much more time. my only concern right now is these children.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Who is the OM? Is he the same man she was texting back in Feb? Is he married?

Who have you exposed the affair to?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

It was the bouncer from the bar that I wrote off early and no worries about. His name is Billy, a rather disgusting and low life older man. No he is not married. I have exposed this to everyone I know and she knows. Her mother even covered for her while the affair was going on. I am currently at my fathers house 3 states over from her and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to keep her kids from her, but I have no family or support in her state.

No I sure don't

It was the one in a text message that was calling her darling and sending those stupid chain love posts.

This is the younger bike salesman, correct?

Is he married? Have you exposed to his family? Have you told your kids?

No he's just a bouncer at a bar. His mother was at home when I caught them. They are not respectable people.

He is an older man... Old enough to be her father.

So we understand why she never was affectionate with you. She was in an ongoing affair. No surprise there.

If you moved out of state, do you still have a job?

What is your plan?

Are you in or out of Plan A?

I am on plan B... I have told her I forgive her and she has the ultimatum that if she wants to come back she can but she will be required to follow steps to recovery. She is not willing to listen at this time. I do not have a job. I was fired the day I caught them.

Actually I stopped the program because her and I's relationship was more than great! It was awesome! the affair has only recently blossomed in the last few weeks from the evidence.

She is trying to get me for kid napping... No custody hearing has taken place yet so that won't hold water.