My husband and I are just getting back together after almost three years of separation. We separated five months into our marriage, and I was in my first trimester of pregnancy. We now have a little girl, who will be two in November. We also have children from previous relationships. The oldest is 18, which is my son and they both butt heads. My son can't stand him and will go at him if he talks loud at me or his sisters. I have had to stand in between them to keep them from throwing blows. My first husband(son and other kids father) was abusive on every level and I believe it gives my son flashbacks, although my current husband doesn't hit me. I do feel that he has been abusive in other ways...constantly bringing up the past, accusing me of having some emotional attachments to old school friends, picking on the kids about every little thing, and so many other situations.

Now let's get to the fact that he doesn't work but 15 hours a week, and if more money is needed, he is at the pawn shop pawning his things or buying stuff to flip for more money. He keeps saying he will get another job, but has yet to do anything. I was working and looking for more work as my job recently ended. I am also in school. He has suggested that I use my maiden name to file for public assistance. I told him that shouldn't be an option since he promised to do better by his family and provide for us, meaning I wouldn't even have to work(I rather work). He stays up all night and plays the game. Then he sleeps all day and may get up to play the game again for a few more hours. I'm trying to figure out if he is depressed or just lazy. His daughter, which was his oldest died a few years back. He said he's still having a hard time dealing with it, and I don't doubt it, but he uses that as his reason for not doing a lot of the things he promised. Oh, and he doesn't feel he needs counseling...just my love.

Also, when we get into an argument, he is so quick to say how he has opened the door for me and the kids to come back; however, he asked us to come back. I hate that he says that because it makes me feel as though we are obligated.

I really am ready to call it quits. There is so much more to our story. I have high blood pressure, and I have suffered from panic attacks. Well since we've been together now going on two months, I haven't been happy and my head hurts everyday. It's the same stuff everyday and it's killing me emotionally, mentally and physically. I'm ready to throw in the towel.

Welcome to MB, 1stlady.

You should do this immediately.

Your husband is not fit to be married. He has no idea of how to do marriage. Having separated early into the marriage, you appear to have gone back to something that is no better than it was. You should not have gone back unless he changed his lifestyle, got his depression treated and got a proper job. (Surely using your maiden name to file for public assistance would be welfare fraud - a criminal offence?)

The whole situation is a train wreck , and you should get out of it. At best you might consider dating while separated, and not living together until all the older kids are out of the home. He would also have to deal with his joblessness and depression. He would need to be a very different man before you considered living with him again.

Thank you for your response SugarCane. I am working on a plan to remove myself and my children from his place. I moved back here from my hometown, so I really don't have anywhere to go. I use to stay in the area for almost three years before going back home. I could stay with my dad's ex wife. I just want to get back on my feet as I was before I lost my job. My son just got hired as a sales associate and he's graduating this year, so I'm trying to make sure wherever I go, it won't be far from his school or place of employment. As stated in my initial post, I am looking for another job. I was a chat rep working from home, and hope to be rewarded that same opportunity with another company. I have one sure lead so far.

But I am so tired. In the meantime, I need to find a way to alleviate my stress and not argue with him concerning anything. As I type this, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and the tears are just flowing. He said that I don't appreciate other things he do such as making sure that what bills we do have is paid, but he borrows my children's child support money sometimes for that as well. He pays it back, but it bothers me that he must ask when he said he would take care of everything. I don't mind helping where it is needed, but when will he truly step up. And I'm no fool! I won't use my maiden name for what he suggested. Heck if I must go file for public assistance, I wouldn't need him as I could get it and still work. And he says that I don't appreciate him picking up the kids from school, sitting with me at doctor appointments, or other parental duties. I told him I do appreciate that; however, he is missing the whole point. I try not to say anything to him, but I am finding myself getting angrier by the day. I need mental piece. I know everything else will come because I am a go-getter. I'm not a quitter either, but things are definitely running its course.

By the way, thank you for the warm welcome.:)

Can you move in with the ex wife? will she definitely take in you and the children? Do you have any closer family that would help?

What kind of accommodation were you living in in our home town? Were you paying the rent there? Could you go back?

I agree with SugarCane and think you need to get out. He has AO (angry outbursts)?. Dr. Harley would recommend you separate until be gets into an anger management program and doesn't have angry outbursts for at least a year.

When could you leave and can you make a plan?

I can move in with my dad's ex wife. She really doesn't care for how he's not manning up to his responsibilities. She's been very supportive and helping me to gain employment. She's also a property manager and is trying to find me a place. No family here but hers and we are all pretty close. We all attend church together.

When I was in my hometown, I had my own place. I was paying my own bills. I had some money saved when I moved here, but it's all gone after having to buy things to making living in his home more accommodating. He doesn't have enough space at all.

Funny thing is that he suggested we go to counseling(stating how much he wants it to work and not argue), but when we get into an argument, he tells me that I'm really the one that needs it. I don't back down from him, and I will voice exactly how I feel. His reason for me needing the counseling is because of my first marriage and the abuse I endured. He said that going through hell with my ex made me not appreciative of the things he has done for me and my kids. I was in counseling for three years...panic attacks, PTSD and depression. I was getting better but I have recently had to fight from going back into those mental disorders. But he does have outburst and he will put the blame on others about stuff and jump to conclusions without the full story. He apologizes when he realizes he is wrong, but he does it again at any given time if he thinks someone is trying to get one over him.

I am making plans to leave. I just have to talk to my stepmom to see for sure that she gives the okay, and I would have to transfer my kids to different schools.

Do you plan on giving him a letter with conditions that if you were ever to give your marriage another chance he would have to meet?

Like get into anger management and have a fulltime job for just 2 of them. Also, have you seen a lawyer?

I never thought of that as that is a good start and idea. He definitely needs anger management and a fulltime job. I just don't understand how anyone that's able-body cannot work or won't work. Nothing wrong with a side hustle, but you need more stability than that. I've been working since I was 10 years old with my dad's business, but as I got older, branched out to doing my own thing. My husband is a smart man and has a lot of potential, but he's just not being wise at all. I thought about opening a business(security and what he does for about 12-15 hours a week)letting him overseeing it, but with how I see him when it comes to reliability and punctuality...ummmmm I don't think so.

I have been looking for lawyers, but I haven't spoken to one yet.

Write out your letter and post it here for feedback.

I think tge biggest issue here is that you are both renters.
Have you read the thread about Buyers Renters and Freeloaders?

So basically do a letter of agreement pertaining to what changes have to be made in order to reconcile when we separate?

I have been reading that since I located it. It does feel like we are in the renters category.

I have been reading that since I located it. It does feel like we are in the renters category.

Correct and post it here for feedback.

I definitely think your H is a renter, but I don't know if you are. Where do you think you aren't a buyer?

I feel like I'm now in the state of mind to do just what I need to do to survive until I can move out. Guess that's why I don't feel like a buyer anymore. I may have some of the traits as a buyer but more and more each day, in my mind I'm planning to go for better. My heart just doesn't feel the same, and I've told him so. He thinks I'm going through a phase.

That's different than being a buyer. That's you seeing that it's time to call it quits, my dear.

Do you have your Plan yet?

No plan yet. I haven't been feeling so well. Been mostly in bed. Like I am now. My heart rate is up, and I believe it's a panic attack. They have been starting up again in spurts.