Does he drink?

You're right, I want so badly for his changes to be permanent that when he takes steps in the right direction I convince myself that we are finally getting better. I think I am really struggling with my kids not getting to see mom and dad every night. My oldest has such a sense of family and will be so hurt by not getting to see either one of us on a daily basis.

Yes, that is another issue. He is not an alcoholic, but he does like to drink and as soon as anything gets going downhill for us he begins drinking. I even told him that he needed to never ever drink if things were not perfect between us. Of course he promised and didn't follow through. He was drinking whiskey throughout the evening last night and I am sure that just added fuel to the fire.

If we are getting along and he has a drink or two it doesn't effect him or the way he behaves, but when we are even the slightest bit at odds, and he drinks things go down hill really quickly.

I am not a drinker at all, so he thinks I am really judgmental about the drinking. I don't mind an occasional drink at a get together or something to that effect, but drinking as soon as you get home, or when it causes terrible things is not helpful to anything.

My concern though, was not about the drinking, he was coming from school and would never drink while at work, he is not an alcoholic, just doesn't make good decisions about when to drink and how much.

Your kids are being "hurt" by watching their dad abuse their mother while their mother does nothing about it. Do you want your boys to grow up and act like punks around women? Your husband has behaved shamefully and as their mother, they need to see you take a stand against this. They need to know that if they grow up and act like punks, their wives will not put up with it. I would have a heart to heart with them and explain EXACTLY why you are separating.

He is a problem drinker. Any person who has no control over his emotional reactions should not be drinking.

And aren't you a Texan? Do you think your sons will have any luck finding a woman there who would put up with that treatment from a man?

Yes, we are Texans and you're right that I have been concerned for a long time what the boys were seeing and would eventually think to be normal. It is not ok or normal and I am not the kind of woman who lets people run over me, that's why i don't get why I didn't put a stop to all this before the kids even got to this age or heck before we even had them.

I honestly think my faith has been part of the problem... I know it may sound weird to some, but when you grow up thinking marriage is for life and you do whatever it takes to save it, it is really hard to find a way to admit that the marriage can't go on like this. Also feeling like I would be failing if I separated, considering all of my family is still married....grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles.... I do still want our marriage to be for life, but it is not going to continue in the manner that it has been.

I know that being a Christian doesn't mean that you have to suffer through abuse, but it has been something that held me back from doing what I knew was right, years ago.

I don't think being a Christian has anything to do with it. If you think through this logically, separation gives your marriage the best chance at recovery. The status quo pretty much ensures you end up in divorce with damaged sons who believe it is ok to behave like punks. You are headed to divorce right now unless you do something to stop it.

Oddly, many cradle Christians believe that it is a "virtue" to hang around and tolerate neglect and abuse because of some odd, unChristian notions about "unconditional love." But nowhere does the Bible advocate staying with an abusive spouse. Harley addresses it here and you can see that everything he states about UL has been very true in your situation:

I totally agree at this point in my life that I want to separate to SAVE us, not to force us into a divorce. I was saying I think part of my problem throughout the years, before I came to this realization, was the "unconditional love" stay married no matter what attitude that I was raised on. Not that my parents ever wanted that for me, it is just the way we were raised.

I know the bible does not say you should stick around through anything, but I have also never sat through a sermon that preached about what to happen when things have crossed the line... I understand the answers to those questions now, but when things were just starting to happen, those lines were not so clear.

J. Lee Grady has written extensively about abuse and the Church. Most pastors have VERY doctrinally unsound ideas about abuse. It is never addressed BECAUSE of the false doctrine of unconditional love.

Dr. Harley has the doctrinally sound plan - separate for safety and to save the marriage.

Thanks for all the support everyone....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Although my family knows things are going on... I need an outlet, other than them to turn to, and I just want y'all to know how much I appreciate everything.

I asked him if he would be the one to leave. I don't want the kids to have to be out of their environment if at all possible. He said he would go from today through Saturday and that he would have the kids Sunday through Tuesday. I will still be getting them from school and I will just leave and spend time with my family as soon as he is home from work.

I think this will be the best for keeping things as normal as possible, but I am a bit concerned about what the "exchange" will look like. I told him it wouldn't be a time to talk, or make insulting remarks, that it would be an opportunity for him to be cordial and prove that he can control himself.

Does Dr Harley suggest going by certain rules while you are separated and how to handle each other? I know that there should be no dating / cheating that is a given that I would never do anyway. But as far as how much communication / when or how to communicate / dealing with the kids, etc. Are there any suggestions for how to make it as successful as possible? Thanks.

It would be best if he would just move out and see the kids on a visitation schedule. That way the kids could meet him in the driveway for pick ups and drop offs. You can't afford to be in a situation where you are seeing each other all the time. Your contact should all be through email for the time being.

If he won't do that, then you really need to move in with your parents with the boys and have them facilitate the exchanges.

The set up you propose is not going to work long term and it defeats the purpose by constantly putting you in contact.

Think long term, not short term...

Separation means getting SEPARATE homes. Another downside to your plan is that he can come home anytime he wants ...and probably will. He can/will come sauntering in whenever the spirit moves him, to pick something up. It will his home after all.

Do you want him busting in when he has the next angry outburst? You need to REALLY separate and get yourself into a position where you are really safe. This idea does nothing to protect you and just keeps you at his mercy. I have no doubt he will change his mind next week and refuse to leave anyway.

The problem is he doesn't get home until late so if the schedule says he has them from Sunday through Tuesday, then Monday and Tuesday, he is not out early enough for him to pick them up.

We could all be outside, with me ready to get in the car as soon as he gets there....would that work? I told him, we would not be allowed to show up at all during each-others days with the kids. The only reason I would be there at all on his days, is so the kids can get picked up and taken care of until he is available for them.

Sorry I just saw this, after I posted my other response. You're right that it will not work if he comes over anytime he feels like it. I thought this could be a way of him showing he has control over himself and putting the kids in the most normal scenario possible....

I guess I am just having a hard time understanding how he brought this on us, but the kids and I are the ones who have to leave and he gets to stay?

It's not your faith; it's your feelings.

The REAL reason you don't do what you need to do to save your marriage is because you are afraid and anxious etc.

But the reason you TELL yourself you don't do it is your religious beliefs.

It's actually your feelings that are creating your religious beliefs. Other people who share the same religion as you don't share those beliefs. Your feelings are inventing them to justify not doing anything. They will invent a hundred other reasons, too, and give you a bunch of questions that don't need to be answered and other distractions. You need to act, but you don't feel like acting, so your feelings will gladly toss you an anchor instead of a life preserver.

Move to your parents today. In the meantime, ask him if he will move out for the separation.If he won't, then make arrangements to stay at your parents until you can get your own place.

And you do understand why this is. Life is not fair and you are old enough to understand that.

I've read about similar plans. Some authors promote them but they dont really work long term.
separation is separation. Not shared housing.
Those concepts are pushed by acedemics that have no first hand experience of your circumstances. In some cases, the authors aren't even married.