Thank you ML for more clarity and insight. I will be interested in seeing what H's reaction is to this.

AR, do you have any of the books? I would most certainly get Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. Start with Lovebusters and pay particular attention to the chapter on Independent behavior. That is one of the biggest problems in your marriage. In the meantime you can discuss these articles with your husband and come back and ask us questions:

Independent Behavior

The Policy of Joint Agreement

Yes ML. I actually have quite a few of his books. I had Fall in Love Stay in Love and Love Busters years before I even met my H. He has recently bought His Needs, Her Needs and He Wins, She Wins along with the workbook, and his another copy of Love Busters. We have just started reading He Wins, She Wins together. I think he is starting to see that some of our conflicts in the past that he felt were controlling and unnecessary rules to pacify my "insecurities" were ones that I had asked to set in place to protect our marriage, not to control it. I'm hoping that our marriage will be able to continue to keep moving in a positive direction the MB way. He's has been very receptive to it this time so far.

That is great news!!! Just so you know, when we went through the MB program, the biggest issue in our marriage was my independent behavior. When my H objected to my thoughtless behavior, I accused him of being "controlling." That is a very typical accusation used by those of us who want to engage in thoughtless behavior. I will post some of our posts from 2007 to give you an example of how bad I was.

Another great resource for you and your H is the Marriage Builders radio show. You can download the app and listen to it any time. It is a fantastic resource! [free]

Thank you for sharing that with me ML. Both H and I have downloaded the MB radio, and we listen to it almost everyday and discuss the topics being said. Ironically todays broadcast was very parallel to the happenings in our marriage, but as we were listening to it on his phone, low and behold a call comes through and it is his x-wife. He told me that she was probably calling him about his son's 21st birthday that he had talked to him earlier about. His son had requested that he spend the evening with family for dinner then go out for drinks. This evening was to include both his father and his mother (the x-wife). I told H that I was not in enthusiastic agreement about that. He said, so now I can't spend my son's 21st birthday with him because he wants his mom there, you can come too. I told him I did not want to be around his x-wife, and I really didn't feel comfortable with him being there as well. This led to an argument. It is 10:pm and he has now left to go to work to work on things and take a "time out" for two hours. I am a light smoker, which he really despises, and he has asked me to quit on several occasions. He has even bought things to help me in the process. I will do well honoring this request until I feel my feelings are being dismissed. Such was the case tonight. I know it's a bad habit, and that it would benefit me even more than him far more in the long run to quit. I don't know if you have ever smoked, but it is an addicting habit that I wish I would have never started again. But for me, stress makes it even harder to stick to my guns. He also chewed, but has recently decided to quit on his own, which causes even more AO if I do smoke. I told him we could stay separated until I finally actually do quit if that is what he would prefer, but he didn't like that idea either. Anyhow, tonight was not very encouraging. I feel like I am letting down my walls just to be hurt again as soon as he feels comfortable in the relationship. I really makes it hard to stay positive on nights like this. We will also be apart for 3 days because he is in the Army National Guard and has to leave for drill tomorrow, which by the way is in the same city his ex lives. Which you can imagine causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety every month.

Adamsrib I am so happy you are here and that your spouse is listening with you. The same freedom you feel when you kick that cigarette habit that is how awesome it's going to feel getting rid of this dead weight in your marriage. My DD is 19 and she didn't like it at first when I told her when she comes down to visit from college, there is plenty of time for her to see her dad and I separately, I'm not doing the joint dinners any more. But she got used to it and we can each enjoy our time with her so much more now.

This will be a good thing for DSS21, that his birthday can be about HIM and not his mom's scheming trying to get back in with your H, how is she going to dress, what is she going to say, and so on. Your DSS21 deserves that and I'm glad you all can give him that. Your H is in the right place he will see it too especially since it's SO OBVIOUS!

Yes, I can imagine. Which is why Dr Harley recommends never spending the nights apart. Did you know this? These types of jobs lead to divorce and infidelity at best and at worst, create emotional detachment in marriages. Can he get out of the Army?

If your husband plans on staying married to you, he will have to learn to place your marriage first, not last. Keeping his x-wife hanging around and making decisions without you only harms your marriage. Does he want to stay married?

I can't ask him to give up his career. He already has so much invested into it, and he would lose everything he has invested for retirement. I have to look at it as one of those mutual sacrifices that will benefit us both in the long run. On another note, our therapist said that I shouldn't veto his son's birthday. I have to find a way to take the higher road.

I am always so sad when I read posts like this. Dr. Harley has invested years of experience learning what works in marriage and what doesn't. Everybody always thinks they can find a way to make it work without following his advice, but it never works! And it is always so sad to watch.

It is not a "higher road" to take a path that will destroy your marriage. Divorce will eat up retirement savings more surely than a change in career will.

And people who choose to do what's right for their marriage are not taking a "lower road"!!! You are not a better person to make this choice, and it's really tacky to refer to that choice as the "higher road" as if there's something wrong with other people who correctly realize they can't be happy that way.

Only 20% of marriages stay together and are happy for life. Most people make decisions that wreck their marriage. 80% of them end in divorce, lifelong separation, or stay together but are miserable.

Sacrifice is certainly not the high road.

It really comes down to whether or not the marriage is the most important thing. If it is, there is nothing you will not do to save it. If it is not, then it will surely fail. If he won't give up the job or you won't ask it of him, then you can spare yourself a lot of grief and pain by just calling it quits now. Or, you can torture yourself in the name of sacrifice. Either way, it ultimately is either the job or the marriage. You can't have both.

This advice from your therapist is not helpful. A birthday is 24 hours. In our house, we celebrate birthdays over the course of a week, in order to fit everyone in. We happen to live by both in-laws, and we have decided that it's better not to mix them together. So there are lots of celebrations.

Your step-son's mom can start a new tradition of birthdays with her son. The original union of his parents has been broken. No need for drama. Just tell son that you are both disconnecting from the past. Moving forward without distraction. Take him to breakfast instead of dinner, or do something new.

Birthdays aside... When a therapist makes a rule that is unfriendly to either spouse in the marriage, in order to support a third party to the marriage (including a child),it undermines the marriage. What kind of therapist would undermine a marriage instead of suggesting alternative solutions which would be WIN-WIN ones for both spouses?? Hint: Not one who "gets" how to create a great marriage.

You shouldn't sacrifice your marriage for a little job. If his job comes before your marriage it WILL come between you. Any career that he chooses should complement your marriage, not harm it.

Your therapist has no earthly idea how to create a happy, romantic marriage and doesn't understand how devastating sacrifice is to marriage. Sacrifice is how incompatible marriages are created. The advice we are giving you is from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist, who specializes in romantic marriages. You are not going to benefit from the advice on this forum if you are going to get "advice" from a source is not familiar with marriage recovery.

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You need to find a way to do the best for your marriage and making sacrifices is certainly not taking the "higher road."

Sacrifice leads to win/lose decisions that leads to resentment and incompatibility. A better alternative is the policy of joint agreement, which prescribes that no decision is made without the enthusiastic agreement of you BOTH.