Thanks BrainHurts, what was discuss on the show is what I had in mind. I am really not looking forward to Friday, and the court date.
Last night the 10 year old asked me if I read mom the 10 commands every day would that help. I am glad she's thinking like that. She pretty much wants to keep putting out there, what her mom is doing in front of her.
The 10 year old also said to me some people at the food bank were thy volunteer has asked her what's wrong with her mom and she said my mom is having a affair and is destroying or family.

I still feel lucky and proud to have such a fine step daughter, I just have to keep on top of her angry out bursts toward her mother.

Keep us in your prays, I know it is making a difference.

My WW says she sleeping well, but I see her sleeping on the weekend and she is almost always having nightmares and some times she wakes up and looks confused and asked what happened if I am near by

I talked with the lawyer today and came up with a plan I am more comfortable with. We are stalling the divorce, no temp order just yet and convince the court that the case for the step daughter needs to be to settled first.
And it will help keep the costs down two, big plus for me.

So this will give me time to plan A with my WW at least until she deside to move.

I feel comfortable with this and it seems like the way God wants me to go.
I thanks everyone for there prayers and for MB and all you guys out there for the help and support. I'll be forever in your debt.
I am sure without you and MB I would be in horrible shape right now.

Ron,
Congratulations on a fine step daughter. That is simply awesome. Also congrats on taking control of the legal aspects of your situation. I know you are in a tough place, but it feels pretty good to define a plan then execute on it doesn't it?

Thanks, kids sure can say the most insightful things.

I like this plan way better, I am at peace with this route. I am not sure what her reaction will be. I know she wants to get the finalized right now.
My WW seems to have softened up abit, she seems more great full for little things and less on guard when I am near.

My WW life is got to be a mess, when she is taking naps this last weekend she was having nightmares. And she is also having black outs getting off the couch.

Oh I need help before I lose it. I need a wall I can pound my head on. Maybe I'll feel better.

I just can't stand my WW demands mostly about the kids and her angry outbursts along with using language like f**k around the kids, when she get frustrated with them. Then the fight berween her and the kids start.Then directs towards me like I am the cause. It's mostly centered with my step daughter and her not wanting to listen and disrespect twords her mother. Not much I can do about the disrespect other than talk to my step daughter. I don't want to defend anyone here since the fault as I see it is starting with her mom and her demands and disrespect twords the family.

I have come to the conclusion that my WW has a anger problem. And my step daughter getting that anger because she's not going along with mom is saying about the affair.

What do I do? My WW I'd calling me work to demand control her daugher, just to demand I carry out whatever punishment she wants carried out. There is no joint agreements at all.

Then my WW tells me I am leaving for the night, I can't stand this anymore.
Then leaves me expecting I will take care of the home front.

Have you told her to end her affair? And that you won't do anything that supports her affair?

Ron...

Usually Dr. H recommends that the step parent leave all discipline to the biological child.

Your wife may have an anger problem. And she needs to prove her affair is over.

An additional angle you might consider is that as long as you are in plan A, you should try to meet her needs. I sense that your wife has a need for FC that you are not meeting and it's very upsetting to her.

Could it be possible that your wife sees your silence in those discipline moments as siding with her daughter against her? I have been in that same situation and felt unsupported while my husband felt that the job was getting done so why double team the kids? I know for myself, that even though I was strong enough to dole out the discipline, it was very difficult and I had a strong need for my husband to back me up. I would feel horribly frustrated when he would just stand there and do nothing, leaving it up to me to be the bad guy. Demanding that he do "something" would not have been the right answer. Nor was his silence which sent an unclear message to the kids. The correct answer is learning to solve the problem once and for all.

This is a really great opportunity for you to read up on the POJA and go through the steps to solve this problem of how to help your wife feel supported in disciplining. This is a time for you to leave disrespctful judgments behind and ask if you can talk about how to be her support in the future. I see it as a perfect opportunity to deposit love units and give her hope for a better future with you.

Can you see if there's a way she could feel backed up without you actually disciplining? Or maybe write Dr. Harley about this?

Maybe have the conversation and let her know that you want to solve this problem of her feeling unbacked, and other problems in your marriage. But she needs to end the affair for good before you can do that.

And that you're willing to put the work into create a loving marriage.

Sorry that I was redundant. Typing from a small screen. Lol.

Dr. Harley discusses blended families and outlines the steps for POJA here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html

No, she still is denying the affair(he's a friend and you can't tell me how I can be friends with) I did not want to make a love buster in making a demand.

I have tried to talk to get her on agreement what we need to work together with the kids and not discuss punishment in front of the kids. But it ends up she takes over and pushes me out and then wonders why she is the bad guy.

I have always wanted a POJA with kids, be she always get angry goes it alone and then has me pick up the pieces and make peace again.

I am natural a peace maker, and I want peaceful home.

I will read the link you send and see if I can get my WW to go along with it.

I just don't to be put in this impossible place anymore. And I want my WW to realize that if something is not working to come up with something new and not keep trying what is not working. She is really good at making demands, it's the only way she seems to thing that's the way to get things done.

As I look at things right know the two biggest LB's going on in the family is her IM and demands that leads to AO.

Man I wish I know about MB long time ago, I would have seen the problems better then instead of recognizing the problems now.

It is not a love buster if you present it correctly.


Here, What are Plan A and Plan B

Well today was the first set of court dates. My WW thinkseems I am sinking to new lows to hurt her. He is quite upset I am seeking rights to my set daughter and trying to protect this family.

My WW is losing it, I am afraid I'll have to remove her from the home because actions she has done.
My step daughter told me that her mom was fed I up with her and pushed her out of the apartment and locked the door.
And with talking to the neighbor she says when my WW is home there always seems to yelling and things. When it's me or the sitter it's always quite.

Keep us in your prayers, it'd going to get worse before it gets better.

Hey Ron,
Looks like you are proceeding with D for strategic legal reasons. Do you mind sharing with the MB forums team what your plan is at this point? It usually helps to get it written down so then you can check off items as you accomplish or continue to accomplish them. I have been following your story, but at this point I am not sure what your goals are nor how you expect to achieve them.

Well I am in a corner, since I can't stop the divorce I am left fighting and delaying.
So right now the plan is stay in plan A (my WW thinks I am trying to hurt her in fighting, my guess it's more like she not getting what she wants) the first part is try to get some rights over the step daughter I am the only father she knows, after that is settled the divorce moves on. My lawyer is sure I'll get the kids about 70/80%.
If things end a divorce maybe it's time for plan B.
It's more about the kids this point, and if she does anything to hurt the kids again, I'll have to get a order to have her removed and temp parenting plan.

I do have say since I know about the love bank, I can really tell what adds and what really debts account.

My WW has pretty much shut down communications or just flat out lieing with me since yesterday and seems to be going farther in the affair by staying in hotels with the POSOM.


I am open to any ideas or something I am missing.

I can't help but feel sad about how my WW is handling things and how she is just hurting everyone.

The is might be good news, it looks like my WW and the POSOM is start to have abit of a fight overy a few things.

One she complaining having to hang out in her car, because the POSOM mom made it clear she is not welcome and and is making her feel ashamed for what she is doing. She made a comment to him how can thy go on if his mom will not except her, and nothing is going her way. It seems she is hiring road blocks everywhere in her words.

Two she is also complaining to him that she does not feel like he wants to get his drivers license back and move out of his mom's place.

And three I guess when my lawyer showed up at court it scared the you know what out of her and made her sick. I guess she afraid I am going to take all the tax return and take her kids from her.

She is in no way out of the fog, but it's steps in the right direction I think.

Oh, tonight I am going to leave flowers on the table and make her a steak dinner waiting for her when she gets home.

Sounds like things aren't all well in affair land!!

That's what it seems from her texts, it just needs to get worse in affair land.
she came home from work really early today, she seems depressed and almost crying and is trying to ignore me and spending time wiht the kids.
I fed the kids dinner, made her a steak dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and a few things around the house, put a dozen red roses on the table.

She does not want to talk or anything yet, I have this felling that she did not have a good day.

I am keeping a smile on my face and keeping up the fight.