Doesn't sound like he is too cooperative.

I would second that. Do you want instructions on doing this? It is very easy, all you need is a screwdriver, a replacement tumbler and five minutes.

Stay strong.

His comment about this being your counselor's idea along with every other behavior and comment is typical for an abusive man. I'm sure everybody who has ever worked DV is alarmed and praying you stay strong and stay safe.

Please comment frequently so that you can get encouragement and so that we know you are still safe. Change those locks!

I was reading JBKT16's thread.

She put into words very well many of the feelings I have that hold me back from wanting to save my marriage. There is still a lot of resentment. However, I don't see my husband trying to make amends. But rather still a lot of blaming. I've said from the beginning I just want him to "get it". He focuses on changes we both need to make instead of why I actually left. While I do agree, that's further down the road and right now I need him to show/prove to me we can get along without that awful temper.

Another thing, ML said to her it's unrealistic to expect a guarantee that he wouldn't return to the same behavior after returning home. While I agree, at this point I couldn't continue marriage without it. I remember the therapist telling me it takes a lot of courage to allow someone the chance to make these changes. It took every ounce of courage I had when I left. I didnt have courage to stand up to the behaviors, what the kids were going through, or the courage to even say stop it, but I found the courage to call the cops, get help, and leave. I don't have any courage left right now. And his responses haven't helped. In fact last night, he just texted he couldn't believe I was destroying the family especially after his new medicine is working so well. Still no real accountability.

JBKT16, if you read this we have other similarities. I also live in Texas. And I also used to be a high school math teacher. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of the ones to get all the work done at school. Extra work hours and ridiculous insurance prices drove me away. Good luck to you!

FG, his responses should give you very little hope. If he won't agree to make radical changes, there is no hope of turning this around. The ball is in his court entirely.

If he refuses to meet those conditions, I would respond with something like this:

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the fact that you considered the suggestions made in my letter and respect the fact that you have rejected them. That is your prerogative. Just as it is my prerogative to choose how I will live. Those were the only conditions under which I would ever consider reconciliation. Since you have rejected them, I will explore other options.

I think its real important that you convey the message that these conditions are not negotiable and you are not willing to settle for less. He doesn't seem to understand YET that he has no leverage. If he wants to be part of his family again, it will take a radical change in his behavior.

I predict that when he truly understands you are not going to allow him back that he will move back in. He is a bully and is not going to take that lying down. That is why I think it is extremely important for you to change your locks asap.

In other words, you have all the leverage. He has none because you have something he wants and he has nothing you want. He is not giving you anything that would motivate you to want him back. Blameshifting and bullying are not attractive qualities that would draw anyone.

Thank you ML. I appreciate your words of wisdom - always blunt, yet tactful, and to the point. He said give him two days to reply. Tomorrow I'm going to text him and ask if he has anything else to say in response and go from there. If he still refuses to accept then my decision will be made.

You and I both know it doesn't take 2 days to say yes, so I can only imagine the tirade that is coming!


Agree 100%!

I never posted any of my conditions here before. I originally sent this before I did the radio show so there was nothing about getting a job. These four were the main items. I did have some others that weren't as "big" I've left out for sake of a lengthy post. (Items such as splitting our accounts with instructions how to switch his direct deposit, paying his own credit card bill, etc.). What do you think? Was it clear and fair?

1. Continued separation. I can�t say a time limit. If you want to move into an apartment and sign a 6mo or 12mo lease, I�m fine with that. We can split some of the furniture if you need to furnish it.

2. Continued individual counseling specifically working on anger management. At the end of 3mos of counseling, I will participate in a conjoint session with your therapist to evaluate your progress in managing your anger. I would like to know specific coping skills you will be using as I need a guarantee you can provide a home free of outbursts, broken things, etc., and that we can talk and address problems intelligently and respectfully.

3. Limited contact for now. After 3mos of counseling and the joint session, if progress has been made, I will agree to a date night once a week.

4. No alcohol, weed, illegal substances, or pain pills ever - period. Seek alternative treatments for your back. Visit a spine center, pain management, physical therapy, etc.

I doubt he will agree to any of that, so it might be a moot point, but if he does, I would add the stipulation that he investigate back treatment options and get a job. But I have a feeling that won't come up because he will refuse to do the things on your list.

His biggest issue is that he is a drug addict and has been for years. If he can't give up the drugs, nothing else will work anyway.

I just want to emphasize again that you are not obliged to ever take him back again unless you are enthusiastic about it. He will have to make some radical changes to make that happen!

oh wow, so you sent him the letter over 10 days ago and he still has not responded??

I sent it Thursday night before the radio show on Friday 10/2. For several days I kept asking if he was going to reply. I asked if he'd agree to my conditions like the 3mo of counseling with anger management. He eventually said he'd agree to that because he had no choice. I finally said reply by Wednesday. He did Thursday morning. But he replied to an email I sent in August. Somehow he never got this email, but it's in my outbox. Anyhow I resent it this last Thursday night. That's when he sent the text back saying he couldn't agree this is impossible, etc., give him two days, and he'd reply.

Did you see #4 where I mentioned other treatment for his back? Or did you mean something in addition?

Thanks for the explanation. I did miss the part about alternative treatments.


His response and the one you got yesterday is pretty telling. I don't predict he is going to change and become cooperative, do you?

He's desperate to get his family back. I think it's possible he'll agree, but if so, I believe he'll hold it against me. Over the years he's reminded me that I won't "let him" take pain pills. (Recall that stemmed from 12 years ago after his pain pill addiction during which he choked me). So then I'd have to see if real changes were made and if he did anything to motivate me to really want to reconcile.

As expected he said he can't deal with his back pain without something to dull the pain. And that his disability check isn't enough to live on (he gets close to $1600 which is livable, albeit tight, in Texas). He wants me to compromise with him.

I have not yet replied that's the end then, which I will. My compassion is making me think I'm being too harsh.

If he were truly desperate to get his family back, he would not be asking for a compromise. He would be doing whatever it took to win you back.

You are not being too harsh. You are protecting yourself and your family.

There is a huge difference between being compassionate and enabling someone. Don't let your tendency to enable continue to harm you, your husband and the marriage. It is not in any of your best interest. Your husband has been drowning in drug addiction for many years with no motivation to stop. You now have the leverage to motivate him to change. Don't let him con you into enabling him again.

Hang in there, FG, and don't compromise on anything. He is clinging to his drug addiction. Don't compromise on that. You are doing great! Just stick to the plan.

Do you want to post his letter so we can give you feedback? I am sure it was very self pitying, wasn't it?

It was via texting. Here's most of it...

I can't stand my back pain without something to dull it. I need you to understand that. Nor can I afford to live by myself...

I don't want you to leave me but it's unrealistic FG. If Son1 (with scoliosis) back starts hurting and he gets angry and irritable, would you kick him out?

Be more understanding and compromise with me...

I've starved myself just so the credit card bill would be lower. I think your to hung up on money. I'm trying here, but I'm the only one. It won't work out that way. FG you should talk to my councilor about your letter (who also has chronic pain).