My husband keeps saying that he needs to feel some kind of closure before he can say good-bye to the OW. He also says he has no idea of what that could be or how long it could take. Meanwhile he wants to work on us as best we can and for me to try and accept things as they are between them and not place more emphasis than there needs to be. He is registered here and has looked through the forum but has yet to ask any questions or post a topic. I'm not sure why, maybe he's afraid of what he will hear. What I want to know and maybe I can show the responses to my husband to is what brought closure to you? Was it the initial act of saying good-bye or was something else involed? Please help I would really like to know where he is coming from and I'd like us to get on with rebuilding our marriage as well.<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<BR>

Hi,<BR>I'll share what brought closure to our situation.<BR>My H's affair lasted 3 years with out a clue to me. After discovery, (he told me that he thought he was going to go with her, as it turned out he didn't) but after 2 months of back and forth feelings, I told him, I had had it, no more shareing, me or her! In two days he decided to go, sooooo, I packed his bags, EVERYTHING that was his, winter clothes, boots, EVERYTHING!!, laid them in the middle of the floor, ready when he got home!!! No tears, just shaking on my part. No pleading. He left, came home the next day, scared that I wouldn't take him back. I turned it on him. He couldn't have his cake and eat it too. <BR>From then on,,,,,,,,,,, it is only history.<BR>I guess I had to shock him back to reality.<BR>We are in recovery for 20mo. now. Married 30 years. It has been hard work for me to get here, not so hard for him, he wants to forget, and I think he has. He took alot from me, bashing plus alot of love. <BR>His Bad Brain period was a fantasy, something he could do with out, he said he realized he couldn't do with out me. I also pointed out that she had hurt our family, not only our relationship for each other, did he love or like her for that? Is that the kind of person he could be drawn to? He is sorry, she could care less what she did. <P>Almost Happy<P>-------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited November 09, 1999).]

untallnikba... interesting name. What does it mean, if you don't mind my asking?<P>Anyway, I don't think your husband will ever be satisfied with any kind of closure. I wrote maybe three or four closure letters to my OW. And I still don't feel closure. There's always one more thing to say. There's always one more matter to clarify or one more question to ask, etc. It never ends if you keep looking for it.<P>What I'm saying is the only way it will end is if your husband quits cold-turkey. No contact. Period. I know what I'm talking about.<P>--andy

That's a tough one...<P>I know for me I was constantly looking for some sort of closure. Unfortunately, there was never anything said or done that helped me to walk away from the OM satisfied. There was always something left unsaid in my mind (just like Airheart said). It's been almost 5 weeks since my last contact with the OM and I still have questions in my mind daily.<P>Closure can be replaced with acceptance. Closure may be something that can NEVER be found...however, acceptance is within his power. He can accept the situaiton as it was, learn from it and try to move forward.

Thanks for the answers to the questions. <P>To airhead my user name has noting to do with the situation at hand it is just that I am very short 5 feet zilch and nikba is a shortened version of my first and last names<P>------------------<BR>NICOLE<BR>

Two things happened that helped to bring closure for my H. The first thing was that the OW started to talk badly about me and get angry at my reactions to the news of their affair. My H didn't like this and felt that I had every right to be angry and didn't like her bad-mouthing me since I had done nothing to deserve him cheating on me. He saw her true colors from her statements and attitude towards me! <P>Secondly, I asked him a question that made him think about what and who he wanted. The question was "If you were on your death bed tomorrow, who would you want by your side? Me or her? Without hesitation he said ME! He said that the question forced him to really evaluate what he was doing. Hope this helps.

My H (betrayer) told me that it was my "incredible strength" that brought him back - the strength I showed after he filed for divorce and prior to disclosure of his affair. I didn't find this mb until several months after disclosure but I think he was referring to the Plan A approach I was unwittingly following.<BR> Simone