Hi all...
I have been lurking on this board for months but just finally getting around to sharing my story.

H and I have been separated for a little over a year. He had an on-and-off again affair that happened over a period of several years. I did not find out about it until it was over, and there was a lot of deception involved. We were attempting to reconcile, but I had a lot of difficulty trying to trust him again. He was very good for a while, but eventually became frustrated with being "treated like a criminal" and moved out.

Through most of our separation, H still wanted to work things out and kept asking me not to give up on him. But we argued a lot because of the situation.

During our separation, I had plenty of time to look back and see where our marriage fell short and how I contributed to our issues. He cheated, but I don't see either of us as necessarily being "the bad guy." We were married young, had a lot of lessons to learn the hard way, and made some mistakes along the way. But about the time I was ready to put the past behind us, he blindsided me with wanting a divorce. This happened in February. For a while, I made all the usual mistakes of pleading with him not to do it, showering him with love and attention, etc. Of course, it didn't make any difference. Eventually I quit and just tried to go on with life and hoped things would work out.

Over the last 3-4 months, we have not had any negative interactions. He comes home during the day on the weekends, and things have been friendly. It seemed like things were actually improving. Divorce hadn't been brought up at all, and he was starting to engage with the family again. Occasionally he would text during the week to ask how I was or if I needed anything. When he traveled for work, he sent me pictures, and made an effort to check in and let me know he had arrived safely. He told me he often fantasized about being a family again, and we discussed some of the issues we'd had that needed work.

Last weekend, we had the most normal family weekend in over a year. He stayed late, ate dinner with us, and watched the football game in our living room. It felt almost normal... Then this weekend, he spent the night in our house for the first time in a year. He slept downstairs, but was here both nights. He made dinner. We put up Halloween decorations. I have been very careful not to react or make a big deal out of anything for fear of sending him running. I think I have done a really good job of just being normal and letting him come and go, hoping he would feel comfortable at home again. By all accounts, things were looking up, and I was very hopeful we were building towards putting our lives back together. He was even making plans for my birthday this weekend, and talking about the future.

Imagine my surprise then, when I got an email from him today asking if we could talk tomorrow. He says he thinks its time to push forward with the divorce, and that we have been putting it off and delaying too long. He sent another copy of the separation agreement we had originally started working on back during the spring.

At this point, there is nothing more for me to do. I've worked on myself, I have accepted responsibility for my part of our issues and I've done everything I can to initiate change. I stopped focusing on fixing the past and have been trying to build something new with him. I really thought it was working.

Given all that, I simply responded to his email by telling him, ok...that I loved him, but if this divorce was what he needed to be happy, I would give him that and support him fully. He seemed a bit taken aback that I accepted it without argument, and "didn't I want to talk about the terms of the agreement more" etc. etc.

I think at this point, I have pretty much surrendered to the idea that our marriage is over, and I don't want to fight anymore. I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience and had a spouse check out, just as it seemed like things were coming back together?

I agree it is over and divorce is the definition of success here. The basic issues are a) his affair <s> and b) his single, independent traveling lifestyle. Since none of those things have been addressed or resolved, the marriage is over because he has moved on. He very likely has a relationship with someone else and that is why he needs to divorce you. Sure, he liked having your house as a flophouse, but that is all it was to him.


He was frustrated with being help accountable because he was still having an affair. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. They are happy to PROVE their honesty. Untrustworthy people who complain about not being "trusted" are hiding something.

It is very hard to save a marriage when there has been so much enabling going on.
Another approach would have been to find out who the affair was with, expose the affair do everything in your power to kill it. It would have still be a long, longshot because of his traveling job, though. He would have to get another job in order to ever save the marriage. Marriages with traveling jobs are doomed to failure because you can't sustain a marriage when you are not together.

I am sorry you went through this, but think divorce is the best possible outcome. I hope you will pick up the book Surviving an Affair and protect yourself by going into Plan B. I hope you also expose his affair so he is not free to lie about the reasons for your divorce.

Your H is still involved in an affair. Maybe it's the same woman that you knew about, maybe an entirely different one. You do have a chance to save your marriage if you find out who it is and expose it wide and far.

However, It sounds like your WH likes the lifestyle of a cheater and you have enabled this lifestyle by being an option for a long time. It also sounds like he would be unwilling to follow EPs (being treated like a criminal, ie proving to his BS that he is trustworthy). Be prepared for him to not want to end his lifestyle and live with EPs, in which case a dark separation and divorce would be a win for you. You have put up with this far too long.

The way you contributed to the issues were a) enabling him and b) agreeing to his traveling, single playah lifestyle. That has killed your marriage. The reason he is getting divorced is because he has found someone new. The reason he has found someone new is because he has plenty of opportunity due to his lifestyle and a wife who tolerates his playah lifestyle.

I am sorry that this has happened to you, but I hope in future relationships you will be able to see how enabling does not help marriages.

Thank you for your thoughts. The affair was exposed three years after the fact. He confessed and I also spoke with the OW. She lives on the other side of the country where he used to be stationed. He was very open and transparent for six months afterwards, but then deployed to Afghanistan for seven months, which was really hard. It was difficult for both of us trying to do the emotional work of affair recovery while also worrying about his safety on a daily basis. We separated not long after he came home.

At this point, the affair isn't really the issue anymore...just the disconnection resulting from everything that happened.

When we say exposure, we mean exposed to friends, family, employer, everyone.


Is he in the military? We also recommend exposure to the Inspector General. The military authorities have demolished many affairs.


I agree the disconnection is great, but the reason he is getting divorced is because he is in an affair and is leaving you for her. That is why he is divorcing.

You don't have to take my word for it. If you hired a PI you would find this out. I think it is too late to save your marriage, but I strongly suggest you investigate and expose his affair. Don't let him lie to others about the reasons for the divorce, because he will.

A member of ours was a former Inspector General and here is what he wrote:

here

Oh, I'm not disputing the possibility of a current affair, and do think it's highly likely an unknown person is factoring into the equation. But no, I don't believe the original affair partner has anything to do with the current situation. That happened seven years ago, and I didn't find out until over three years later. It's been almost two years since then. At the time I discovered the affair, the OW sent me pages and pages of texts and messages between the two of them that basically indicated they were casual hook-up buddies from time to time. She was angry with him, however, because he had led her to believe he was single--a fact he also confirmed.

Thank you for the info on contacting the command. He is in the military but she was a local civilian girl.

I don't think we said who we think the affair is with, just that he is having an affair. It doesn't matter who it is with. The point is that he is leaving to be with an affair partner.


Probably a good idea to find out who the affair is with and report your husband to the IG and all of your family and friends.

And if the OW has a spouse.

*EDIT*

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders methods before posting to others. We are not here to share personal philosophies but to seek help and help others learn MB methods.

The OWs spouse does need to know.