A couple of weeks ago I believed I was 'happily' married. When I say happily, we weren't all loved it or under any illusion that we had the best marriage going, but we were OK.

We've been together for 15 years .. and have 2 children. After the kids were born, we had no time together as a couple as never have parents or friends that would babysit, but had 1 night out a week doing our own thing - I'd go out once a week as I play in a local orchestra, and hubby goes out weekly to the local pub. However, as time has passed we do less and less together ... to the point where he'd rather go out fishing than come out with me and the kids.

We've never had fights - sure we disagree, and bicker from time to time but nothing serious.

Our sex life wasn't great either - even worse since having kids. Especially as they were both terrible sleepers that invariably ended up either in bed with us, or had to keep being put back to bed. In recent months he's slept in the spare room - telling me that it was because he couldn't sleep (bit of an insomniac) which of course hasn't helped.

That said, we get on. He's the first person I tell my news to. We moan about our work collegues to one another etc

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago ... and hubby suddenly blurts out that he's not happy. Eventually he tells me that actually, he doesnt love me .. and can't remember when he actually felt that he *did* love me.

I'm gutted ... haven't slept in ages and desperately trying to keep it all together at work, and in front of the kids.

Have you looked to see if he is having an affair? Love is a feeling so people often only realize they don't have it when they begin to have such feeling for a new person. It is a comparison effect.

Please do not mention this to your husband. Quietly start investigating emails, phone records, etc.

The plan is very different if there is an affair than if there is not.

HE has become very close to a female colleague from work - a single mum with 2 young children.

They work alot together, and he's been seeing her outside of work.

He introduced me, and I have also become friends with her ... (we both are musical and had started doing some practice together). Until a couple of weeks ago, she was messaging me frequently on facebook almost daily. I've heard nothing from her in the last 2 weeks ... admittedly I've not contacted her, but I can't help but be a little suspicious.

I don't believe that they are romantically involved, but I think this friendship has triggered him admitting / realising his feelings towards me. BTW - I did ask him if there was anyone else, and he denied it .. and I do believe him.

I am sorry to tell you this, but it is very likely he is having an affair. Most people don't know they have fallen out of love unless they have a new point of comparison. They also rewrite history from this new, warped perspective and often believe they were never in love with their spouse.

This can be resolved and you can end up with a happy, recovered marriage if you can follow a strategic plan. Start by quietly snooping on him to see what he is doing. Don't ASK him if he is having an affair. Find out what he is doing and come back and tell us what you found.

That is very likely the person he is having the affair with. Don't ask him anymore. Just quietly snoop on him and get the evidence. I understand you don't want to believe they are romantically involved. But he is in love with someone. You need to find out WHO.

This is affairs start. It was just a matter of time until an affair ensued.

Seeing her outside of work is romance.

This woman is a serious threat to your marriage and the well-being of your children. Please listen closely to the strategic plan that MelodyLane is showing you. It is from Dr. Harley, author of His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, and is the best chance you have to save your marriage

Zummerzet,
The reason why so many of us are sure its an affair is because the start of affairs are practically mathematical. There is a pattern and your husband's follows it to a T. We've seen this play out thousands of times on this site and this story is no different.

But you can save your marriage. Most affairs don't last, and there is a strategy that you can put in place to fight the affair.

The first part of the strategy is finding definitive proof of the affair and not letting your husband know that you are snooping.

If you can access his cell phone and e-mails you will be able to find the evidence quickly. Another way is to plant a voice activated recorder in his car. Or even better, hire a PI.

Once you've gotten the evidence we will give you the next step in the strategy.

Do not delay.

Thanks to everyone that has already replied.

Thought I'd pop in and give an update.

OH went to the doctors last week and been told that he's depressed and been given some medication and he's on the waiting list for some counselling sessions (although these won't be until 4-5 weeks time).

I don't believe that he is romantically involved with anyone else - and we have spoken about it and I believe him. I'm not going to go down the snooping path as that's not me, and that would just destroy any trust we may still have.

OH decided that he was unhappy being within the home environment (around me basically), so he moved out at the weekend to go and stay with his parents. So he's gone ... at the moment I have no idea if its for a few days, weeks or forever.

I must be honest, the house feel much more relaxed with him gone .. I hadn't appreciated how much we'd all been trying to placate him, and "keep the peace" (Not in the fighting sense, but trying not to aggravate/upset him).

I still encourage you to look as your resources are likely being used to finance his affair.

There is not much we can do until you rule out an affair because separations are almost always due to an affair. Your husband wants the separation so he can pursue his affair. Therefore, any advice we give you would be useless unless we have the facts. In the meantime, your marriage is crumbling unnecessarily while we could be addressing the real problem.

It is like asking us to treat you for cancer while you are actually having a heart attack and dont' want to face reality. You are asking us to help you in your denial and we won't do that.

I see you grasping for anything and everything other than an affair and that is a huge mistake.


It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages but a lack of boundaries. Affording blind trust to your spouse does not create "trust." Engaging in trustworthy behavior is what builds trust. Sticking your head in the sand does nothing to achieve "trust." It just leads to affairs.

You are thinking of trust as an action. It is really a feeling. You feel trust when someone is always honest.

Why would it be breaking trust for you to know what is happening in your own life?

Okay, but becoming integrated is how the program works, and snooping is actually a part of that.

Marriage Builders as a plan works when followed. I wouldn't expect it to work without following it.

For Marriage Builders to work, you have to become so close and know so much about each other that it would be impossible for him to have an affair without your knowledge. It's not enough if he could be having an affair but says he isn't and you believe him. In Dr. Harley and Joyce's marriage, neither one could be having an affair.

This is step one for everybody who comes here.

Oh boy. Not again.

We don't tell people to snoop because it's fun for us to do so.

It's because not only does Dr Harley say this type of behavior (what your H is saying and doing) is indicative of an affair, not only have many of us LIVED it, but we see the SAME story over and over and over again.

You will be like the hundreds if not thousands of other posters who comes back saying "You guys were right". Hopefully it's not too late by that point.

We TOLD you not to ask.

Why??? Because a wayward is not going to tell you the truth! They will deny, deny and deny some more. That is why we told you to get the evidence FIRST.

Depressed spouses usually lack motivation to do Anything. They complain and do nothing.

Your husband had Motivation for actually moving out. What do you think was his underlying reason?

My guess is that he needed more freedom and less accountability. Hmmm.

I would pay close attention to the previous advice. You have a right to search for the real reason why your husband is wreaking havoc on your life.

I should also add that most truly depressed men dont want to go to the doctor and hate the idea of medicine. I find it strange that he was willing to go. Almost like a form of gaslighting to blame you for his depression and document to others his "reason"for leaving as well as his "trying" to make things work. Nice distraction. Not really characterist of depression.

There is a small chance we could be wrong but you need to know for sure. You need to snoop. Once you know the truth, if your marriage is saved, the information that you gather will help you understand your spouse more fully.

I'm shocked at the low opinion you all have - perhaps I'm naive but I think I'd prefer to stay that way.

He is depressed ... I've never seen my husband cry. Not even when his Nan died and he was very close to her, and he's cried a few times over the last couple of weeks.
He saw his sister go through a similar episode a few years ago, so whilst it took him a while, he wanted to get help to stop feel down all the time.

He's still living with his parents ... been nearly a week now We haven't really spoken since he's moved out - he has the kids after school whilst I'm still at work. When I come home I always ask how his day was etc but he's not interested in chatting. Doesn't help that the short conversations are all about him ... "I'm not feeling any better" "I can't eat or sleep" ....

If I'm honest - I don't see us living as man and wife again. He's made it quite clear that he doesn't love me anymore and I don't want to "just be friends" ...

Ma'am, that is like going to the doctor with a heart attack and refusing to submit to testing and saying "perhaps I'm naive but I think I'd prefer to stay that way." Do you think it would be wise to purposely ignore chest pains? Because that is what you are doing here. If you ignore chest pains, you end up dead. If you ignore all the signs here, your marriage is dead. A completely unneccesary outcome.

Your husband is having an affair and you could save your marriage if you unearthed the facts and took steps to save your marriage. Why would you not want that? See anything we tell you to do will be a waste of time because the remedy for an affair is completely different.

Also, people in affairs are always horribly depressed so that does not surprise us. His conscience is killing him. You can help him if you will get serious about saving your marriage. However, there is nothing we can do to help you if you want to ignore the facts.