Last week I got confirmation of my husbands affair. I suspected an emotional affair 9 months ago, but it turned out to be sexual (once, 2 years ago), kissing multiple times, but mainly emotional. This was between him and a coworker. They no longer work together and she has moved out of state with her husband. She is poly amorous, having a husband and a girlfriend, and my husband as a lover. I confronted him after snooping and finding multiple journals of his feelings for her. I also confirmed with her, since she was a "friend".

After hours of talking and talking about the affair and the problems in our marriage that led to this affair, I felt sad but relieved that the honesty my husband gave me, gave me a type of closure to my suspicion. He has cut off all contact with his girlfriend (I don't know what else to call her), seeing his therapist, and talks daily to me. We start couples therapy next week. We take a walk every night after work, sometimes two. We are communicating and getting closer. He's extremely depressed, he misses her friendship. I have read this in the Q and A as being normal. I'm trying to be patient through his withdrawal of the relationship.

My worry is how I'm not angry. I'm sad and trust is broken, but why am I not mad at him for this betrayal? After 14 years together, I thought this would never happen. I'm being supportive and concerned with his well being, trying to rebuild the communication and trust, and the needs he felt weren't met. I'm worried I'm not angry. I take care of kids all day as a teacher, I put everyone's needs above my own. Am I doing the same with my husband? I've handled everything with grace and I'm proud I've only raised my voice twice, but this reaction isn't normal. Is it?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.