Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
S
Junior Member
Junior Member
S Offline
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
My husband had a long term affair, 6 months. We have been reeling from the devastation of all of this. He was extremely vile and vicious in his affair. I found out about the affair 3 months ago and for the past 3 months he has been lying and lying and lying about the details/specifics of the affair.

Well... a few days ago out of the blue the mistress contacts me and begins sending screen shots of all their relationship details. It is during this time I learn just how vile my husband was. Pages and pages worth of emotional details about how her body is the best he has ever felt or seen, how much he loves her, and can't wait to move out/kick me out of the house so they can be together, how he has never felt so good blah blah blah etc.
It is also now been brought to my attention, that he didn't just have an affair with her..... him, his mistress, and a THIRD girl joined in. So now I am now dealing with the devastation that my husband had two mistresses/affairs.... and a threesome as an affair.... I am so so sick to my stomach and can't get the images out of my head of what that threesome looked like. I have been sent all the nitty details about the threesome frown and made the mistake of reading them......


As an FYI since the affair was busted 3 months ago, there has been ZERO contact between he and either affair partner. Full disclosure to all friends and family has been done and I even took the liberty of telling the affair partners friends and family. Since I found the affair 3 months ago my husband has continually professed how much he wants us to work will do anything it takes etc.

BUT... he did lie over and over about what exactly the affair relationship was. He lied about never having sex or inappropriateness with anyone else in our marriage etc.. now I find out the second partner/threesome partner.. He lied saying he never told her he loved her or that he was leaving his family for her. He now claims they are all lies and never meant any of it.

So, I am beside myself. How do you process not only one affair....but a threesome affair frown is it possible to recover from this...... how?!?!?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Hi spacewoman, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. A few questions:

1. how long married?

2. any kids?

3. how did you find out about the affair?

4. how and where did he meet this woman? Does she live close by?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
S
Junior Member
Junior Member
S Offline
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
We have 3 kids, married 10 years... He met her on a game on his phone when we lived 1500 miles away from where we now live, which is now 30 minutes away from where she lives... see below smile


We have kids... AND we moved here.... we just moved here 1500 miles away for what I was told was an incredible job opportunity. I am now learning that the affair started before we moved here.... so while he denies it, it certainly looks and feels as though we were moved here for his affair?!?


I found the affair out because of a chance coincidence in which she texted his phone and I saw the text. I haven't really told him what I need at this point because I don't know what in the world to need to even start to get over this.

Passwords, emails etc none of it matter. I had full access to all known emails and phones etc. I had all his passwords etc to the stuff I knew of. It was all the secret apps and emails that he did a great job of deleting and hiding that I didn't know about that was the issue.

When I first learned of the affair, I was hopeful that we could work past this but now that I learn he has lied about the details and specifics of the affair for 3 months post discovery AND THEN BAM I get all the screenshots that prove exactly what it is was and BAM I learn they brought her friend into the action and so he really screwed two woman and made it a threesome... I just don't know how in the world do you recover from this?!?! I mean a grown married man with kids, not only having an affair but taking it to such extremes.... ack.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
It sounds to me like he moved you there so he could have an affair. She will always be a danger to your marriage as long as you live so close so I would strongly recommend you move. The affair could start up again in 2 seconds. Just think about how addicted he is to her. He moved his family 1500 miles to be with her so think about that. Living there is very dangerous to you.

He looks at porn too, doesn't he?

Quote
Passwords, emails etc none of it matter. I had full access to all known emails and phones etc. I had all his passwords etc to the stuff I knew of. It was all the secret apps and emails that he did a great job of deleting and hiding that I didn't know about that was the issue.

This is where you should focus. He should not have the ability to have any secrets. For example if he carried on his affair on a smart phone, he should get a flip phone. If he carried on his affair on a computer, he should never be on a computer again unless you are there. This is a critical part of affair proofing your marriage. He should construct his life so it is impossible for this to happen again.

Please read this list over and tell me where you stand:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Is the OW married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790
Likes: 4
G
Member
Member
G Offline
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 790
Likes: 4
Is this your first time on marriagebuilders or have you posted before? It might be coincidence, but your story reminds me of another thread.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (irwin), 441 guests, and 74 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
DGTian120, MigelGrossy, Jerry Watson, Toothsome, IO Games
72,041 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by still seeking - 08/09/25 01:31 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,525
Members72,042
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0