The bottom line is, if you are abusive to your spouse, you will end up divorced. Did he think he could continue abusing you for the rest of your lives with no consequence? The answer is yes, he did. The consequence of getting separated or divorced is that you have to put your big boy pants on and figure it out.

It is not your responsibility to figure out his visitation, repair his relationship with his kids, figure out where he needs to live or how he will pay his bills. It is not your responsibility to figure out how he should manage his pain. He is trying to manipulate and guilt you into staying with him by implying that it is your responsibility to manage his life. It is not.

No, because I don't intend to stay with you because you won't do what it takes to keep me!


But I won't do it so I guess you'll have to have fun talking to yourself in an empty room. Goodbye!

How do I handle this?

Our 10 year old had plans to see his dad on Saturday. Our son wanted to play outside with his friends and asked his dad if he could change till Sunday. Dad said ok. On Sunday our son had a "meltdown" outside with a friend and his 12 year old brother (he doesn't handle his emotions or anger well). Anyhow he didn't want to go after that. He wanted me to tell his dad. I said he would have to tell him and that if he didn't want to talk he could text him. He did text and mostly it was ok. BUT his dad says to him I may have to go to WY (where his parents are) soon because I don't have any money to live on. He previously had told him mom is keeping the money from him. It angers me he's putting this on a 10 year old.

Have you explained to your son why his dad can't live with you anymore?

Well, if he wants to have a good relationship with his son, he'll need to do what it takes to have a good relationship with his son. I recommend starting by having a good relationship with his son's mother.

If he doesn't want to do that sort of thing, he won't have a good relationship with his son.

Yes. Since we left the weekend my husband had a crazy blow up they know. But I've also explained that dad's angry behavior wasn't healthy for anyone and that we are separated while dad works on that. The uncertainty is hard for him but he's made comments about how it's more peaceful at home. He also said he doesn't like it when his dad says things like that that make him feel bad. I did tell him he should tell his dad that he doesn't like it when he says those things (trying to teach them healthy boundaries that I'm just learning).

Just wondering if I should get involved as he's 10.

It sounds like you've done just great. The ball is now in your husband's court -- you can't force him to do right by your son, and you can't stop him from trying to emotionally manipulate your son. Just continue to be honest with your son about what is going on.

I've got a 10 year old ... 10 year olds are smart and not easy to fool. He's going to see his dad for what he is. Don't shield him from that.

A little off topic question. I emailed dr Harley once and he did reply. I sent another question on the 13th and also asked if I would be receiving a book (since I was on the radio). No reply yet. Do you know how long it takes to receive the free book? I was on the air 10/2.

I would email him again. Sometimes they miss emails. Are you emailing to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com?

Need a little support. He has asked me to help him move out of the extended stay hotel next week. I asked where he was moving and he said probably his car. I do feel compassion. Especially with his pain level, I don't want him without a place to live.

He's coming to get his money later as he still hasn't changed his direct deposit. Anyhow I asked if he was still coming and he said he has to or he might as well be dead and that things just aren't enjoyable. This plays more on the guilt and compassion I feel.

It feels like an impossible situation. I don't want him home but don't want him with no place to live.

Just let him know you can send your sons to help if he finds a place to move to. If not, you won't be able to help. He is just jerking you around to manipulate you into taking him back

He has no reason to "move into his car" if he has an income. That is just served up to make you feel bad.


Whenever you feel like using this word, replace it with a more truthful word: ENABLING. It is not compassionate to enable an addict. If can get you to take care of him, he can avoid making necessary changes. Do you want to enable him to continue to be a bad person?

No I don't but this is very hard. Dr Harley even said if I wasn't careful my compassion would get me in trouble.

He did come to get his money last night. He looked terrible - thinner than normal and very depressed. He was holding back tears nearly the whole time he was around the kids, and me when he left. We talked outside a few minutes. He looks beat down like he's lost everything. He thinks I hate him, want nothing to do with him, it's been three months, blah, blah, blah. He got upset when I said I still feel like he hasn't really apologized and I got the old you're just trying to start an argument.

He also said he's about done (and not with our marriage) and the only reason he's still here is our son10. It's hard to watch him spiraling down.

I can just imagine how hard this is. But think of it this way: he has to hit bottom in order to change. He will only be motivated to change if he sees no other way out. if you hand him that way out, ie: enable him, he will never change. He will continue to live a horrible life and inflict that on those around him. When you feel the urge to enable him again, just remember that it hurts him, you and your children to do so. Your husband either changes or he loses his family. That is his choice, not yours.

Enabling is robbing this sick man of the medicine he needs to change. He can choose to take the medicine or reject it. It is all in his hands now.

Trust me, there is nothing compassionate about enabling yoru husband. All that enabling has turned him into the horrible man he is today. It has made him a horrible husband and more than that, a horrible father.

Hang in there and don't allow yourself to save him! You are doing just great so far!


He has a choice now about where his life goes. He wants you to save him again so he doesn't have to change. He wants you to make the changes so he won't have to. If he doesn't change, he loses all. You have given him the path back. Let him take it, FG!!

It is very hard for a few reasons. One of course the guilt and compassion. While I know it may not be best, it's hard not to feel responsible, especially when I could help. Two is the fact that although I do care about him, I'm not in love with him. It makes this so much more mentally exhausting. Coupled with our history it would be so easy to just divorce. For some reason I'm not ready to do that yet.

Why feel guilty? You ARE helping him more than you have your entire marriage with enabling!!! You should pat yourself on the back for finally really helping him.
The only reason you feel guilt is that He tells you HOW He believes you should help him (enable my bad behavior)
Which one is the truth?

Think of it like He went and robbed a bank. Does that stink? Yep! Now he is being hauled off to jail and facing consequences. However, instead of becoming remorseful and actually Doing things (like giving all the money back)-He is busy making YOU feel bad as if it is your fault he robbed a bank AND trying to get you to pay off the judges so he will get off scott free because you have money and know them.

When your kids mis-behave: is it loving to give them candy and reward them for this behavior? Is that compassion?
No-you have compassion mixed up. It is actually more loving to punish them and teach them about consequences.

It is totally in HIS power to turn this around. Let him. He is simply testing you to see where your "line" is to enabling. He will purposely make things horrible for himself to see when you will catch him. (it is simply what all addicts do).
When he realizes that you have no "line" he can force.... THEN and ONLY then- he will decide to change or not. Only thing you can do is stay out of the way.
It really is THE most LOVING and KIND thing you can do for him.

Whenever you feel compelled to use the word "compassion" replace it with enabling. Because your "compassion" is an illusion and an excuse to continue to enable him. In truth, the best medicine for him is for you to move aside and let him find his way. He will never find his way until you stop protecting him from the consequences of his poor choices.


You can't help him unless you step aside and stop enabling him. It is not helping him to continue to prop him up and support his destructive habits.


Of course you care about him. We know that.


What makes it mentally exhausting is his manipulation. He is very successful with this. But you have a sound mind and you know it is not in his best interest for you to rescue him.

How could you help? He has a broken leg and you have a bandaid.

Hold firm, Flower girl. That is how you help him. Stay out of the process so he gets serious about getting the level of help he needs.

It is not compassionate to prevent him from getting real about fixing his life. And remember your boys. They are the ones who need your compassion to step up and keep your home safe. They need to have one parent who is sane and stable and thinking of their needs.

I know it's not the best right now but I just got into a texting conversation with my husband. We eventually started taking about his angry outbursts. He's always told me he has a temper and he's tried to control it and can't. I just now reiterated I wouldn't live with him if he couldn't and wouldn't consider living with him till I can be sure he'll never have another.

He claims medication (abilify) was helping. He still blew up with the therapist but claims he wasn't on it long enough for the full effect. Last night I found out he quit taking it. He said there was no point since he's alone right now.

He also said I'm asking for a guarantee no one can give. So what is expected with the MB program? I feel right in saying I won't live with him until I can be sure he won't have another angry outburst. He thinks he can't promise that. Can someone learn to completely stop having outbursts?