Hi. I'm relatively new to MB and the Forum. My husband and I watched the MB online seminar and are now working through the LB and EN home study courses. We are confused about whether or not we are supposed to share our LB questionnaires with each other or just use them to rank our LB and tell our spouses about the rankings only. I want to share everything I wrote in my LB questionnaire, but my husband says he thinks maybe we aren't supposed to, because that is not specifically mentioned in the study materials. Many other forms are filled out and share, but it isn't clear what we are supposed to do with the LB and EN Questionnaires.

Sorry to bother any of you wonderful people with such a tiny question, but it's got us stumped. Thank you in advance for any guidance!

You should share the LBQ with each other, but you need to be careful how you do it. Here is a good post that lays out the steps (these were the same directions given to me and markos when we discussed this with Steve Harley):


I will add that in sharing the LBQ, it is even more essential that the listening spouse does not question or argue with what the other spouse is saying. The LBQ can open up very sensitive subjects, and if you're not careful, can lead to fights. Agree to listen to each other without debates.

If either of you are confused with what is shared on the LBQ, bring it here and we'll be happy to discuss it with you and help you figure it out.

Wow, thanks so much for your fast and helpful response! We will proceed with caution and do our best to resist debates. So easy to go there, especially in this early stage.

I love this forum. I can see by the various posts here that the support is wonderful. Gives me hope.

Marriage problems are usually so lonely and sometimes I feel it's hopeless. I have my fingers crossed that this will work for us. Not convinced, but willing to try.

Yes, it is very easy to go there when you are first starting out. We've been there, too, so I know what it's like.

Some things to keep in mind:
1. You don't have to say everything that comes to mind -- It is harder to lovebust if you keep your mouth shut. So when your spouse is sharing, just take notes. Don't respond.

2. Remember, this is not about what is right or wrong -- it's all about finding out what your spouse's perspective is. This is what he/she feels, and dismissing or debating it is only shooting yourself in the foot. You need the information that is being shared. If you don't understand WHY your spouse has shared what he/she has shared, ask someone else. Those of us on this forum, or Dr. Harley himself, are more than willing to help you understand.

3. Don't view your spouse as the enemy. You are on the same side: your marriage. You are working together to make it better. Your enemies are the lovebusters and neglect that have plagued your marriage, and you're now on the same team working together to rid yourselves of those. So when your spouse tells you something that you've done that they find hurtful, they are not attacking you. They are helping you to make your marriage better.

My husband is more interested in debating "right or wrong." I am more interested in being known and understood, and solving our problems, and being happy and falling in love again.

He says he is still in love. I am not. But I seem to be the one who is more eager to do the MB work. He says he's willing and I am grateful for that, but I don't think he really gets it yet how close I've been to leaving, even though he says he gets it. I think if he understood that better, he'd be more motivated. Still, I am grateful he is willing at all. It's a start.

I wish I knew many years ago what I know now. If I did, I would have not let it get this bad. I wasted so many years by not speaking up enough. I did say I was unhappy, many times. But when he didn't respond or change, I just let it go on and on. I didn't know what else to do, and we had kids at home, so I just put up with way more than I should have. I have not been in love for many years, at least 12. I feel so stupid now for letting that happen, but I didn't know any better. Now that I have MB, it all seems so obvious! Radical Honesty and the POJA would have nipped every problem in the bud, before LBs could become habits. And UA and meeting ENs would have been bliss. Instead, we let the bough break.

Now I have no faith that I will ever get my in-love back because I have no faith that he will do what is needed to fill my love bank enough for me to be in love again. I can't imagine that is even possible. But I am going forward anyway and hoping for the best.

I will heed your wise advice about thinking of the LBs and the neglect as the enemy, and not either of us. I want to be on the same side, I just don't know yet how to deal with my years of pain and resentment. I've been in withdrawal for so long. My gut feeling is that I won't be able to truly let go of the past resentments until I feel that he understands what I experienced. I don't need him to be "wrong," I just need him to "get" me. And treat me with more care in the future, if we have one.

I think one of the hardest things about all this is finding out that if I am ever going to be in love again, it is entirely up to him and what he choose to do. I have no control over that. I can only control if he is in love with me, and he is. So now I must wait and see if he will do whatever it takes to get my in-love back. I'm not saying I am perfect and have nothing to work on. I'm saying I am the one who is out on a limb and about to fall. And my fate is not in my own hands. That's not typical for me and it's taking some getting used to.

I hope some of this is making sense. Thanks for reading. And for your wise advice.

The past is easy to let go when you are in love. Are you getting 20+ hours of UA time? 15 is for maintenance but if you can get more time you may fall in love faster. Are you dates enjoyable? What are the major Lovebusters? I'm guessing disrespectful judgements but AOs must be eliminated first.

cm, when a husband says he will do Marriage Builders but doesn't do it, it will make lots of love bank withdrawals for you. Dr. Harley often recommends a wife in such a case prepare for a separation. It is possible that he may decide to do what it takes to make his wife fall in love with him again, and then she won't need to use the plan she's prepared. But if he does not, she should separate.

Separation means that she can protect what is left of her husband's account in her love bank. While they are separated he won't be making withdrawals. If he later decides to follow the plan to restore love in their marriage, she will be more willing to give him a chance and recover their marriage with him. So separation can save their marriage when used this way. She should separate sooner, rather than later, to preserve her husband's balance in her love bank.

Of course if he does not decide to follow the plan to restore love, the separation has the effect of protecting the wife anyway - she can build a tranquil life without the emotional (and often physical!) distress of living with his neglect and/or abuse. Either way, it is truly entirely up to him. There is not much that a wife can do to restore love with a husband who is reluctant to follow the program, other than to make him aware of it and insist that she will not live with him if he does not follow it.

I hung around here for two years trying to do Marriage Builders but still having angry outbursts, until my wife Prisca learned enough about Marriage Builders to insist that I could not continue to live with her if I continued to have angry outbursts. That motivated me to change in a hurry! Before that I was "working on it" which is code for "doing nothing."

Can you tell us what you experienced, specifically?

If you haven't already, I would suggest signing up for the program with an accountability coach. This will take the 'leading' away from you (which will cause more resentment) and put it in the hands of a coach. It will also help to keep you on track when your H is not proactive and you are fighting withdrawal.

Have you read through the Disrespectful Judgement piece of Lovebusters yet? Does your H recognize his behavior as a DJ?

Trying to educate your spouse on 'right and wrong' is very disrespectful and is a major love buster.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses! I apologize for the delay in replying. I'm super busy with work lately, and using all my available time for MB course work and UA. It's a lot to do!

Had another question for the forum, if you don't mind. I have a high EN for something that is not listed as one of the 10 basic emotional needs, although to me it seems super basic for everyone. I don't know how to approach this because the MB books don't really address it. Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

I understand that the EN for Affection is a need for the symbols of or expression of care that says "I have your back, I will protect you, your problems matter to me, you are important to me," etc. My question is what if my spouse is giving me all those "symbols" of care, but is not giving me much of the care itself? I have a high EN for the actual care, not the symbols of care. I don't want flowers or cards or extra hugs, I want the caring behaviors that these symbols are supposed to represent.

I don't want to go into our specific examples of this problem right now, just want a general answer. If the care itself is missing, does this EN still fall under the heading of an EN for Affection? If not, where does the EN for the care itself, not just the symbols of care, get addressed? When I am cared for (with caring behavior and loving actions, such as help me rent a wheelchair when I have broken bones from a bike accident), I feel loved. When caring behaviors don't happen, even when I am begging for help, I feel unloved. When I feel unloved often enough and long enough, I eventually fall out of love. This seems super basic to me, but I don't see where in the MB program this fits. Caring behavior does not come naturally to my husband. He focuses mainly on his own needs and is not in the habit of thinking of others. He says he is willing to work on changing that habit to a new habit but we are confused about where this is in the program. We will work on it even if it is not in the program, but I keep feeling that it must be in here somewhere because it is so basic to both caring love and creating romantic love.

Any help is appreciated!

We can't help you if we don't know what the problem is - except to refer you to his needs her needs.

I suspect your need falls under the heading of domestic support. Is this correct ?

Things such as managing finances, planning for purchases, grocery shopping, etc?

Definitely not domestic support, not about the house or family.

What I'm talking about are the caring behaviors that Affection is support to be a symbol of. A hug or a kiss or a card is supposed to say "I care about you and will be there for you, will protect you." But what if the care itself doesn't happen? I am talking about caring behaviors towards me directly. For example, if I am seriously sick or if I'm injured to the point of needing a wheelchair, but he won't help me. Or if something is directly negatively impacting me (like the roof is leaking through the ceiling, directly above my side of the bed) but my spouse doesn't do anything about it even when asked many times, and just let's it rain on my head. Or if say I am worried about something and would like support, and husband ignores my request.

I am saying that I have EN for my partner to give me caring behaviors toward myself, as I do for him and for anyone I care about. These are the "I've got your back" and "you can count on me" caring behaviors that Affection is supposed to be a symbol of. I don't want or need the symbols of care; I want the care itself!

I don't know how else to describe it.

When he isn't being caring toward me, he is taking care of himself instead, so I call that love buster IB because he is acting like I don't exist. He is letting me suffer so he can pursue something else for his own benefit or convenience. My question is, What is the EN that is the opposite of the love buster of IB? I can't call it Affection because Affection is the symbol or expression of care. I want the actual care!! What is that EN called? I don't see it in any of the books or online seminar, other than Dr. Harley mentioning that Affection isn't worth much if the expression of care doesn't also have actual care behind it.

Is my situation really so rare that there isn't a name for this EN? To me, it seems so very basic. What am I missing?

This would come under Affection. Affection is the expression of care. This is expressed in thoughts and deeds. When your husband practices IB, he expresses the exact opposite of CARE, he expresses thoughtless behavior.

Not helping you is the opposite of CARE.


These are all things that would be handled under the policy of joint agreement. Your husband should meet your needs in a way that suits you BOTH.

Of course! I get it now. Thank you so much!

We are starting the home study course for the EN of Affection this week. Is it really possible that someone who is so in the habit of being thoughtless can develop the habits of thoughtfulness? Seems so impossible to me right now, but I want to believe.

Cindy, I think you are getting too hung up on categories and labels and should focus more on the best way to meet your needs. You can tell your husband what he can do that makes you feel cared for. You can also tell him when he does things that are lovebusters. The goal of the program is help your spouse become an expert at meeting your needs.

It happens all the time!

Thank you so much, MelodyLane.

I always get so much for what you have written in other threads, it's a joy to have your response.

I'll let you know how this week goes. Fingers crossed.