Where do I even begin? I'm sure you guys here that a lot! We are in our early 30s have been married for 10 years and together 11. We have 5 children ages 15 to 6. I had 2 children from a previous relationship before we got married. Our marriage has been hell to say that least but over the past 3 to 4 years we have made HUGE progress. My husband was very verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive. I have tried to leave our marriage more times than I have fingers. I stayed because he made me believe I was worthless and if I left he would kill me. This was early on.

I'm not sure when things got "better" then just gradually did. I think he finally grew up and after having 6 or 7 marriage counselors things were better. My family does not believe in divorce and pushed us into counseling. He learned about controlling his anger, blah blah! Like I said things were a lot better though. I had some resentment issues that I worked through with the counselors over the years. Fast forward to about 2 years ago and things we slowing getting bad again. I finally had enough! I called the police and he was arrested for domestic violence and I got a restraining order. Finally I felt free and safe for the first time in my life. I had the money to file for divorce and had mentally prepared myself to be on my own with my kids. Then after about 2 weeks his mom convinced me to give him one last chance. Thinking back I still can't believe I did. But there I was sitting beside him in anger management classes fighting for my marriage. We got a new marriage counselor and was at "fixing" things again. This guy was really good and got my husband and I to open up and really work on issues and getting my husband to realize how some of his thinking and actions aren't rationale.

Then last year we got into a blow up about my husband accusing me of talking to a guy at work. He saw a number on my phone that he didn't know and just knew it was some guy. He reverted to his old ways and called me horrible names and I told him I was done. I couldn't live like this anymore. I have never cheated, talked or looked at another man our entire marriage. I actually filed for divorce this time. My husband had being staying with his mom. We had been separated for 2 weeks and I found out he had slept with a girl he use to go to school with. I felt completely devastated and I am shaking and bawling even writing about it. I found out because my youngest 3 came home and told me they had stayed at her house. He said he didn't mean for it to happen he just wanted the pain of losing me to go away and he thought I was serious this time bc I actually filed. He said it was a mistake and it meant nothing. Shortly after that we decided to try to work things out one more time. Yet here I sit 4 months later in the same situation. I had 2 opportunities to be done with this marriage.

Sorry I realized I never really discussed any of the "issues" we have. My biggest complaint about my husband is that he is very jealous and controlling. I'm not allowed to do really anything without him. If I would ask about taking the girls out to lunch just us 5 he would say I just don't want to spend time with him. I constantly get accused of cheating on him. In counseling we learned that he is very insecure as all of his gf's before me cheated on him. He had a bad childhood had has some preconceived ideas of woman because of his mom and sister. He really does have a big heart and I know he loves me. He works hard to support his family.

He would say I am not affectionate and don't show him love. He would say I try to do everything else so I don't have to spend time with him. He would also say that I lie and sneak around. He feels like he is last on my priority list and we don't have sex enough.

Like I have told numerous counselors; we are both good people. There isn't cheating (still dealing with him having sex with someone else), drugs, gambling, drinking, nothing like that. Yes there was some abuse but we have moved passed that. I know we could have a good marriage but it's like we just can't get there. I don't know how I even found this website but I hope this is the answer. I just don't know where to start...with the books??

pm5, I would say if your husband doesn't master effective anger management, there is no chance for your marriage. Dr. Harley mastered his own anger problem many years ago and used to work with prison inmates teaching anger management and has lots of information about how to learn to never have an angry outburst again. But there are a lot of anger management approaches out there that DON'T WORK and it sounds like your husband needs to get one that actually WORKS. There is an anger management 101 thread here with a lot of helpful information.

The other big problem I see is your husband's affair. If you want your marriage to succeed the two of you need to get the book Surviving an Affair and learn to affair proof your marriage. But even that will not be enough if your husband does not learn how to never have another angry outburst.

I brought up what you said to my husband and of course he got very defensive. He said that he doesn't need anger management, WE need anger management together. He says that I know how to push his buttons to "set him off". He also said that he didn't have an affair. He said that if I hadn't filed for divorce than he never would have had sex with someone else.

This is his typical behavior. Nothing is ever his fault and he has to blame someone else. Should I just agree to go to anger management with him?

When we fight I try to leave the situation but he won't let me. He will stand in the door way or lock the door so I can't leave. Then after I shut down and basically ignore him or I threaten to call the police he will punch the wall, call me a few choice words, get in his car and peel out of the driveway. Then about 5-10 min later he will call or text and apologize and say he shouldn't have acted like that or said those things and he is sorry.

Don't ever threaten to call the police. Just call.

He should do anger management himself. He seems to have a problem taking responsibility for himself. You should not tolerate angry outbursts.

If your husband feels you also have angry outbursts, it might be good to offer to learn anger management yourself as well. Do you feel that you ever have angry outbursts, justified or unjustified?

Regardless of whether you do or do not do anger management, there is NO CHANCE for your marriage if your husband does not do it. So I would tell him that if wants to stay married to you, he must learn how to never have an angry outburst again regardless of what happens. If he can't or won't make that commitment to you, I would begin preparing for a separation.

Have you read through the Anger Management 101 thread and listened to the radio shows on it? Have you read through the What to do with an angry husband thread?

Have you seen this? Anger Management 101

So last night we sat down and listened to the radio clips in Anger Management 101. We ordered the book, His Needs Her Needs and the workbook that goes with it. We also found the book on cd for my husband to listen to while he drives. He is a truck driver. I also downloaded the radio app on his phone and he said he is listening to it now. He said they were talking about 15 hrs of undivided attention as a couple and 15 hrs as a family minimum. Is this what we should work on first?

First priority is his angry outbursts.

And the book Love Busters is your priority read, not HNHN.

Is he away overnight?

Ok. I will order that book tonight and plan on listening to the rest of the AO clips. And no he is a local truck driver home every night.

My husband is experiencing limerance. I don't know how to be a part of our life when I 'don't exist'. The object of his obsession is not interested - and I'm thankful, but he won't accept that. After reading more about this mental issue I just don't know how to deal with it. He is now going to a counselor, but I have no idea if he is truthful about his behavior (internet stalking, sitting in the apt parking lot where she lives, taking gifts to leave at her door, checking her families facebook page to see her picture, online 'shopping' for engagement ring) This has been for a year and a half now. He also has psychotic episodes - believing the computer monitors us, radio station djs talk about him on air, etc., Should I contact his counselor to know whether he is aware of the depth of this issue?

sunray, you need to start your own post in the Surviving an Affair section.

limerance is just a fancy word for being in love. It's not a mental condition, although it does sound like your husband has additional mental issues.

I'll check that section out - thanks

I haven't posted in awhile but we have finished listening to the AO clips and purchased the Love Buster's Book. We have made it through Chapter 1. While we both agree that our behaviors need to change we are stuck on how to make those changes when we are in the heat of the moment. Also discussing how to address certain love busters. For example: my husband gets up rather early on most days, between 3am-5am. I don't have to get up until 6am. When he gets up to leave he will intentionally wake me up to "cuddle" before he leaves for work. I enjoy my sleep and would rather he not wake me up on purpose. Sometimes I fall back asleep other mornings I lay awake and can't go back to sleep then I'm crabby and mad at him for waking me up. I know we have bigger issues than this to over come but it came up in the discussion at the end of Chapter 1

What do you mean by this? What changes are you trying to make "in the heat of the moment"?

How are your husband's AOs?
What about his affair? Did you ever get Surviving an Affair and read through it? Did you ever implement Extraordinary Precautions?

The answer to this is really simple: The two of you need to adopt the same sleep cycle. Either you should get up with him or he should sleep in with you. The message both of you are sending each other right now is that your personal choices are more important than your mutual happiness.

Prisca is mostly when we disagree on something or one of us has done something that hurt the other remembering that we aren't suppose to react from hurt or anger. We have been using the counting to 10 or 100, taking breaks if we are discussing topics. As far as AO, we had an episode where I had to call the police because he was trying to not let me leave. I admit we had slacked on the audio and books so now we are back at it. As far as the affair, as I explained before. He does not see it as an affair. He had moved out and I filed for divorce. He sees it as I didn't want him anymore and we weren't together so it wasn't an affair and if I hadn't filed for a divorce it would have never happened. He was only looking for the distraction of another woman because I didn't want him and he though his marriage was over.

Mr Eureka-so what you are saying is that we need to decided together how we can adopt the same sleep cycle. Either changing jobs or one of us getting up with the other? I just want to make sure I understand. I have suggested in the past that he find a normal 9-5 job and he would also like that but he has decided that the money/benefits he makes with this job cannot be made with a 9-5 for his skill set. So does that mean he shouldn't complain about the sleep differences or our sleep cycles need to be same period?

That is my biggest issue with trying to follow advice. So let's say u tell me yes we need to be on the same sleep cycle. So he changes jobs. Now that creates and income/health insurance issue. How is that then corrected? Or does it just take awhile to get everything "cleaned up"?

Or the two of you cold agree to wake up at 5 am.

Precisely.

Now, if you have a problem with his job, that is a separate issue. There is no good reason to link the two. All linking accomplishes is making a resolution even harder to find. You need to break larger issues down into smaller components that can be more easily addressed. You shouldn't take many small issues and lump them together into an irresolvable monster.