I'm looking for some advice. I had multiple affairs (mostly one-time things) over a year and a half ago. My wife discovered my only long-term affair about a year ago. A few weeks ago, I had a complete breakdown and confessed everything to her. There are lots of details, but I don't have the time to write everything out right now. We are in therapy, and through the grace of God are making some progress. Things are very tough, but we're working on it.

Honesty is a HUGE thing for her. The lies I was weaving have been so hurtful to her, obviously. So here is where my dilemma lies. Since confessing to her a few weeks ago, I have remembered events and details that I haven't shared with her (I think). These events are not with anyone she doesn't know about, but are just details about certain things. When I confessed everything to her, she asked for a lot of details and I gave them. But, there are things I am remembering now that either A) She never asked about and I didn't recall them at the time, or B) I honestly can't remember if I told her or not, because that day (confession day) is somewhat cloudy for both us as there were a LOT emotions involved.

So, I'm obsessing about whether or not to keep confessing details to her. The things I'm obsessing about are somewhat "minor" compared to the major events she knows about, so I wonder if it's just my own conscious wanting to clear itself. But, at what expense? Do I continue to throw up details as they come into my head? I'm so confused right now, and I definitely don't want to cause her anymore pain.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, as well as your prayers.

God bless

Ask her. Tell her you remembered more details and would she like to know them.

Tell your wife that there are details that you are not sure you told her. Schedule a time several days from now to have a full discussion about it. Tell her you want to answer all of her questions at that time. Make sure you are prepared to put everything on the table. Then, once that discussion is over, neither her nor you are ever to bring the matter up again for the rest of your lives.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you completed the checklist? Have you eliminate all avenues of contact with your affair partners?

Not trying to split hairs here, but that's where my dilemma lies. How much is too much? If I recall some detail a month from now, or 6 months from now, do I continue to just confess everything I remember? Is that constructive?

Apples, I haven't read that. But, all communication has been cut off for over a year. I'm well past that.

You still need to read the book.

Broken, it is not constructive to confess any more details, starting with right now. I disagree with the advice to have a meeting soon and get everything out; you have already had that meeting when you made your recent confession. You will only harm your attempts at recovery to bring this up ever again.

I have argued personally with Dr H about this, because I did not agree with his advice. My H had a 3.5 year long-distance physical affair (it was easy to hide from me because it was long-distance, and conducted when he was working abroad), followed by another 5 years of occasional phone calls (an emotional affair). I found out from my H, from OW husband and from piecing together Internet sources, that they did a HUGE amount that was really heartbreaking to me, and which I thought I needed to know in order to decide whether to stay in the marriage.

During my period on the online Marriage Builders course, I argued with Dr Harley over his advice to get the basic details (not the detailed details) known, and then to leave the subject alone, for good. I argued that if there were things that a spouse had done that would be game-changers, the BS should know. If the WS gave the other an engagement ring, or if OW took the WS to meet her parents - that kind of yukky intimate stuff that is an indicator that they were deeply in love and planned to be together - the BS had a right to know, because that might affect their willingness to stay in the marriage.

However, Dr Harley told me firmly that this was wrong. If the BS knows the basic facts of the affair - that it was with one person for 3 years, that it was conducted while he travelled to conferences (and while she travelled, too, so lots of night spent together in exotic cities in fabulous hotels, while I came home from work and ate spaghetti with the kids), and who she is and where she lives (the BS might need to change jobs, or the couple move house), whether she is married and her spouse informed, whether the affair was sexual - and of course, if there is a child and other major facts that will affect life going forward -

....once those facts are known, you can assume that they told each other that they loved each other and hated their spouse. You can assume that they had special anniversaries and gave each other gifts. You can assume that they did things in bed that you do not do, and that it was special. You can assume that the affair was deep, and passionate. If you already know those things, and you are giving recovery an attempt, what does it change things to know that they rang each other every night and had phone sex? That the new shirt that he wore on your wedding anniversary was given to her by him? Or anything else that is "detail"?

If the fact that it was a long, deep affair (or a long history with prostitutes, or whatever) has already been taken into account in the BSs decision to stay, then the details will simply make recovery harder- not because of the details themselves, but because the affair is being brought up again and again. Dr Harley is adamant that this must not happen, and has written (I think) that he would stop a consultation if he had a couple in front of him, discussing their marital problems, and one brought up the affair.

I realise that you have the power in this situation, and that your decision to withhold further information seems cruel to your BS, if she wants to know more. But the thing is, she hasn't said that she wants to know more. She seems to have had quite enough to come to terms with already. There will always be more that you remember over time - you cannot account about every moment of an affair, no matter how many conversations you have. If you make the decision to tell her because you have remembered more, that will never stop, by definition - and it must stop, if the marriage is to recover.

If she were to ask you, directly, "did you ever...?" I think Dr H would not be in favour of discussing this. Dr H told me that he could understand how a late remembered detail should be revealed - such as whether there had been an abortion or miscarriage during the affair (hard to forget such a detail, though if the originally long, tearful conversation has been had) but he is absolutely NOT in favour of the BW (he specifically said the wife; how well he knows us) waking the H up in the middle of the night to ask "did you ever...?" And I think by that he meant bringing it up at breakfast, or on a walk, or at any time at all. Crucial things should have been revealed at the beginning of recovery, and if they weren't revealed, they are probably not crucial, and must be left alone because the affair must not be discussed ever again.

Dr H is not encouraging lying to a BS, or loftily telling her "I'm not going to talk about it" - there is a BIG distinction between that kind of cruelty, and trying to nurture recovery by doing what is in the best interest of the couple. Dr Harley is massively in favour of leaving the past in the past and dealing with the present - so no more affair details.

I did not like that when I heard it, but I know he is right.

You have to have a discussion where it is understood at the onset that it will be your last. If you have already done so, then SugarCane is right, but if you have not done so, then you still need to do that. Your wife needs to understand that this will be her last opportunity to ask questions, and you need to make a serious effort to remember everything and get it all out. If you make a serious effort, then there will not be any facts of consequence remaining that would cause you to face the dilemma you describe.

I would just point out that this wife has not asked for more details since many details were given a while ago. It is the poster who has remembered more details, and wonders whether he should bring them up. For that reason, I don't like the suggestion to "make her understand that this will be her last opportunity" - she has not asked for any more opportunities, so far, so why does she need to be warned, like a demanding child?

My point is that there is no need to volunteer any more details when the poster remembers them. My point is that he will never remember everything all at once, and indeed cannot give an account of a whole affair in two, three or even ten conversations. There will always be more things that he remembers over time, but if the issue is that the affair should not be spoken about time after time, then that starts now, with these, his latest memories.

His wife is not asking for more details. HE is remembering things, and wondering whether he told them to her already and whether he should tell her now. I think Dr Harley would say he should not. Unless he suddenly remembers that he and his affair partner had a child together, or that he mortgaged the house for her, or booked a Christmas cruise with her - something that will affect his wife's life in the future - he should let the details lie. There is no good to be had from his telling her more stuff as he remembers it. If he does tell her as he remembers it, there will be no end to that process, and the affair will never be left in the past.

Please understand, though that I am passing on the advice that Dr Harley gave me, only on the understanding that you have given the whole truth so far, and that these are indeed new memories. If you have been holding back - to save your own miserable skin, to "protect" your wife or for any reason at all - none of what I said applies. You owe your wife honesty, and after the cruelty of your affairs, you should not DARE to presume to decide what your wife should or should not know.

You know whether you held anything back. You also know whether what you are now newly remembering is major or minor detail. Don't ever try to use Dr Harley's standard advice to mistreat your wife any further.

First of all, I want to thank you SugarCane and Eureka for your advice. It really means a lot to know people care enough to reply. I will definitely think and pray on the advice you've given.

The things I'm obsessing about can be broken into 2 categories. One is further details about my long-term affair. Specifically, they are details about a couple more instances in which I met up with this person, but they don't involve any new actions that took place, and definitely don't involve a scenario mentioned before, like a child or rings, or anything more intimate.

The 2nd thing I'm obsessing about are a couple of visits to strip clubs that occurred before the affair. They didn't involve sex. It's just I'm ashamed that I went. It was a very bad period of me just acting out - and alcohol was the main catalyst. She knows all about the alcohol and how it contributed to my failings, but I neglected to let her know about the strip clubs.

Not sure if those details are crucial or not, but I just wanted to lay it all out there to see if it would help anyone in their advice-giving.

Thank you

Have you thought about emailing Dr Harley?

No, I haven't. I wasn't aware that was possible.

Write mbradio@marriagebuilders.com with your situation and questions.

Dr. Harley's advice is that all discussion of the affair must end in order for recovery to happen. It is the question of exactly how the discussion ends that relevant here. The standard advice is to have a set time where it is understood at the onset that this will be the very last opportunity to get it all out and have all questions answered. Have you had such a discussion?

In the absence having had such a discussion, the argument can be made that if enough time has gone by and recovery is proceeding, then it just isn't worth going back and dragging it all up. But in your case, it has only been a few weeks since discovery for your BW. This is all very fresh for her. Recovery takes years, not weeks. You are simply not far enough along to give yourself a pass based on the present progress toward recovery.

So, it you have an explicit understanding with her that no further affair discussion will happen, then you should not bring more up. But if you do not have such an agreement, then you really do not have any excuse for hiding relevant facts from your BW. She should have the option to be told about it if she wants to be, and you should make this option part of the final time that the affair will be mentioned with the explicit agreement of your BW.