He is asking if they are evidence that he is crazy and controlling. The answer is no, they are evidence of an affair.

I already stated this as well. There seems to be something additional he is looking for.

I didn't read them because obviously you are not controlling enough if she had an affair and wont' agree to end contact. All of those texts are a distraction and so is the subject of being controlling.

I would keep the divorce on track if she won't end contact with the man for life and engage in marital recovery.

Can't she be prevented from moving back in for she abandoned the family when she moved out of state?

Go talk to your lawyer.

Yes, I wanted feedback on these texts messages. I should have posted these long ago, but now I want to make sure to dot the i's and cross the t's with everything that I have done.

is this poor boundaries with an opposite sex friend, it is an affair, am I crazy?, am I too controlling to ask that she stop this relationshio?

At this point, she agrees to lunch 1x / week and doing things together with the kids, family meals, etc... She cannot seperate logic from emotions so she will not agree to the checklist until she is emotionally invested back in the relationship. This is not a normal, rational person... she is BPD as I have mentioned.

Yes, about 5 times! I would love to implement everything in there 100%.. but It's not easy with a BPD wife.

Actually , it isn't just BPD. It is the fog.

What other Plan A actions Are you taking?

We went to trial for temporary orders and several hearings after that... the Judge let her back in to see the kids out of fear that she cannot remove the kids from the home again. She is BPD.... she is a complete mental case in court.. one day she tells the court that I threatened to kill her and she is afraid of me, the next night she is banging on my windows at 10:00 at night to get into the house.. .the court doesn't know what to do with her. She fired her first lawyer and got into a fight with him in front of the judge. Simply, she is BPD and dealing with her in courts is very ineffective. She has called the police on me at least a dozen times and they basically ignor her.

I agree... it's a combination of BPD and the FOG... without the affair, the BPD would be manageable.

For plan A, I am trying to meet whatever emotional needs she will allow me to... family commitment time, working on listening / conversation, being affectionate to the extent she allows it, compliments / admiration, avoiding love busters, financial support (given that I am required to support her anyway)

Wait a minute.

This is the first mention I can find that she is "BPD" - do you mean bi-polar?

When was she diagnosed with this?

Is she supposed to take medication?

When did you first tell us of this?

I mentioned a PD before, but at least she has strong symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I understand that the symptoms of an affair are similar so it can be hard to disinguish. She is a high functioning BPD so she has not been diagnosed, but we have been to multiple therapists and she jumps off the page as BPD. I know that DR Harley does not like to recognize PDs, so it was pointless to discuss it here. I can get into all the behaviors and anecdotes but I am 99.9% certain about this.

If she has been to multiple therapists, why hasn't she been diagnosed?

A therapist (non PhD)cannot give a diagnosis... they often shy away from BPD'S anyway. She would need to agree to go get help from a doctor or phsciatrist which she won't do. BPD'S don't get help. Everything in life is my fault or someone else's fault. She does not say sorry... ever. She does not show empathy. She left, took the kids, moved out, but claims that I abandoned her. The list goes on and on.

What are these "strong symptoms" - before the affair, I mean?

Before the affair she still had the following symptoms:
#1 Rages (even raging on our wedding day that people have just now begun to tell me about)
#2 Very fragile emotional state
#3 Never apologizing, making excuses, blaming
#4 Putting me up on a pedestal early in the relationship, lots of sex, affection, extreme jealousy of any other relationship I would have... after getting married & having kids she began to knock me down
#5 stormy relationship.. getting close, pulling back
#6 difficulty negotiating, difficulty at work taking direction, blaming others
#7 Splitting.. people that are all "bad"; father, step father, & sometimes friends are "cast out" for a long period of time.

Did she ever cut or self harm?

No, that is a low functioning BPD... they usually get help. She is high functioning... so, they rarely get diagnosed nor get any help.

What makes that into a borderline personality disorder?

The reason Dr H does not like these diagnoses, even when a qualified person makes them, is because they are so subjective. There is much discussion in the medical community about whether PDs exist, and what they are if so. Often the bad behaviour can be found in a lot of people who are nowhere near being diagnosed. What, exactly, is a "high functioning" BPD? If she is able to control herself to the extent that she could have a relationship with you right up to getting you to marry her, and she can have friends when she is not casting them out, then she does not have an uncontrollable disorder.

If she can control herself to the extent that she can be normal at some times and in some circumstances, she can practice and learn to control herself at all times and circumstances. She could learn the same things that we have all tried to learn from MB, about applying boundaries, complaining respectfully, not having angry outbursts...the problem is that she does not want to, and you cannot force her to.

If she were really "off the page" BPD, you would have forced a doctor into giving a diagnosis by now. We do not let seriously mentally ill people avoid getting a diagnosis if they really are dangerous or unstable. You would not have let her bring up your kids if she were seriously mentally ill. If she really were off the page, you would bring this to the attention of a judge and use it in your custody dispute.

If you stand by that diagnosis, then speak to a lawyer about getting some legal force behind it, so that this woman is not awarded custody of your kids if you separate. However, I see nothing in that list that I haven't read about in many bad marriages on the 101 board (and sometimes in my own). Since 'high functioning BPD" - especially when diagnosed by therapists who have no valid qualifications - seems to be a contradiction in terms, you would be better served by not talking about that or taking it into account, at all, and focusing instead on using the MB plans.