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My wife snd I have been married 13 years. Been together for 20 years. I caught her cheating in 2007. She swore it only happened once and we started working things out or at least I thought. She has now for some reason decide to come clean with the truth. At least more then she did. She apparently first cheated while we were engaged. Having sex with one guy while away for work. Then kissing another guy. When I caught her in 07 it wasn't the first time that year either apparently the second. And she admitted to another affair she had about 6 months after I caught her and I thought we were trying to work things out.
At this point I'm lost on were the truth is and what she's still hiding if anything could our kids not be mine? With all the lies going on for so long is there even any hope or is it just done?
Last edited by bmonk; 10/31/15 01:57 PM.
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Hi bmonk, welcome to Marriage Builders. People who do not follow a very strict recovery path do not make it. The wayward spouse usually ends up having more affairs unless these steps are followed. The marriage just limps along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and is more vulnerable afterwards than before.
The solution is to a) completely affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, integrated marriage that was much btter than the pre-affair marriage.
Take a look at this checklist from the book Surviving an Affair.
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She has now for some reason decide to come clean with the truth. Isn't the reason rather obvious? She feels the truth is necessary at this point in time. With all the lies going on for so long is there even any hope or is it just done? That is really up to you. But if you plan to continue in your marriage, then you should understand that it is a really bad idea to punish your wife when she tells you the truth.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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You need to get on the Marriage Builders Plan and follow the steps that Melody Lane laid out for you in the previous post.
If she is willing to take the step to recover your marriage, then you should also have your children's dna tested. You might also eventually have her take a polygraph to find out if there are any other affairs that she has not told you about and to find out if she is in one now.
Read this entire site. Dr. Harley posts a gold mine of information here that will help you. Also, read the book Surviving an Affair.
How did you find out about her affairs?
Why did she tell you more about them?
Does she want to recover the marriage?
Has she said that she is in love with you, or has she recently said that she loves you, but is NOT in love with you?
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You need to get on the Marriage Builders Plan and follow the steps that Melody Lane laid out for you in the previous post.
If she is willing to take the step to recover your marriage, then you should also have your children's dna tested. You might also eventually have her take a polygraph to find out if there are any other affairs that she has not told you about and to find out if she is in one now.
Read this entire site. Dr. Harley posts a gold mine of information here that will help you. Also, read the book Surviving an Affair.
How did you find out about her affairs? first time I found out because she didn't delete her giving someone directions to our house after telling him she was horny and asking him if he had condoms. He said no she said she trusted him and told him how to get to our house. Even told him to park down the street. Second time I found out she told me she wasn't honest back then. With some prying I had to figure out that she had had an affair after I caught her which at first she denied. [ Why did she tell you more about them? according to her she felt guilty Does she want to recover the marriage? she claims to but also did before. [ Has she said that she is in love with you, or has she recently said that she loves you, but is NOT in love with you? she says that she loves me more than anything. I'm just find it hard to believe after all the lieing and cheating for so many years. And on Friday at our daughters Halloween party she went out of her way to say hi to a male coworker she saw at the school. She claims it was innocent and she wasn't thinking. I took it as she was still looking for attention. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how I felt.
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[And on Friday at our daughters Halloween party she went out of her way to say hi to a male coworker she saw at the school. She claims it was innocent and she wasn't thinking. Your wife is extremely dangerous for many reasons. I would implore you not to have sex with her until you get tested for STDs. Secondly, she has been bringing strange men into your home and exposing them to your children. That is terrifying because men will target stupid women with small children in order to molest them. Since she has been bringing men into your home, I would take your kids out - ALONE - tell them about their mother's affairs and ask them what they have seen. They have probably seen a lot. Ask them if any of the men have spoken to them or done anything inappropriate with them. They need to be told to call you immediately if she brings anyone in the home. Lastly, your marriage will never work unless she makes radical changes in her behavior around men. That means ending all opposite sex friendships, staying off the computer, completing all of the extraordinary precautions listed on the checklist. I agree with Just3ofus that she should take a polygraph test. Will she do that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi bmonk, welcome to Marriage Builders. People who do not follow a very strict recovery path do not make it. The wayward spouse usually ends up having more affairs unless these steps are followed. The marriage just limps along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and is more vvulnerable afterwards than before.
The solution is to a) completely affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic, integrated marriage that was much btter than the pre-affair marriage.
Take a look at this checklist from the book Surviving an Affair.
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. been reading those some done some not. Am I correct in exposing the affairs that she should be with me or be the one to expose it to her family and clergy?
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There is so much to address in this situation that I can't get it all into one post. Do you know the names of all the OM? Does she still work or see any of them? Are any of them married?
If she works with any of them, she must leave that job. If any are married, their wives should be informed. All of her affairs should be exposed - without forewarning her - to family and close friends.
THAT is one of the first steps in recovery from an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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been reading those some done some not. Am I correct in exposing the affairs that she should be with me or be the one to expose it to her family and clergy? You should expose to all of them yourself without forewarning her. Go read my exposure thread for tips and ideas. It is linked in my signature.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[And on Friday at our daughters Halloween party she went out of her way to say hi to a male coworker she saw at the school. She claims it was innocent and she wasn't thinking. Your wife is extremely dangerous for many reasons. I would implore you not to have sex with her until you get tested for STDs. Secondly, she has been bringing strange men into your home and exposing them to your children. That is terrifying because men will target stupid women with small children in order to molest them. Since she has been bringing men into your home, I would take your kids out - ALONE - tell them about their mother's affairs and ask them what they have seen. They have probably seen a lot. Ask them if any of the men have spoken to them or done anything inappropriate with them. They need to be told to call you immediately if she brings anyone in the home. Lastly, your marriage will never work unless she makes radical changes in her behavior around men. That means ending all opposite sex friendships, staying off the computer, completing all of the extraordinary precautions listed on the checklist. I agree with Just3ofus that she should take a polygraph test. Will she do that? she claims she'll do anything to save our marriage. And yes she just got tested for std's just waiting for results. If she's to be believed our kids were small when she did that. Our son is disabled and nonverbal. He wouldn't understand or be able to communicate anything. What's the best way with our daughter to even bring it up now? She 10 now but was 3 when I caught my wife on the computer.
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There is so much to address in this situation that I can't get it all into one post. Do you know the names of all the OM? Does she still work or see any of them? Are any of them married?
If she works with any of them, she must leave that job. If any are married, their wives should be informed. All of her affairs should be exposed - without forewarning her - to family and close friends.
THAT is one of the first steps in recovery from an affair. She claims not to remember any of their names. 3 of them she worked with 2 she didn't. She claims not to work with any of them any more. I did ask if any were married she knows one was engaged and thinks 1 or 2 might have been married.
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[
she claims she'll do anything to save our marriage. And yes she just got tested for std's just waiting for results. If she's to be believed our kids were small when she did that. Our son is disabled and nonverbal. He wouldn't understand or be able to communicate anything.
What's the best way with our daughter to even bring it up now? She 10 now but was 3 when I caught my wife on the computer. When was the last affair? I misunderstood and thought this was recent.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She claims not to remember any of their names. 3 of them she worked with 2 she didn't. She claims not to work with any of them any more. I did ask if any were married
she knows one was engaged and thinks 1 or 2 might have been married. That tells me that she is withholding the truth. I would definitely schedule a polygraph. Let her know that this won't work unless she gives you the full truth. As far as you know, she still works with all these men.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
she claims she'll do anything to save our marriage. And yes she just got tested for std's just waiting for results. If she's to be believed our kids were small when she did that. Our son is disabled and nonverbal. He wouldn't understand or be able to communicate anything.
What's the best way with our daughter to even bring it up now? She 10 now but was 3 when I caught my wife on the computer. When was the last affair? I misunderstood and thought this was recent. I'm sorry I know it gets confusing. She says she ended it all 7 years ago and started focusing on fixing our marriage. According to her she slept with a former coworker twice 6 months or so after I caught her in 07. So if she's being truthful this time her lastaaffair was about 08. I'm just now finding out the truth.
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She claims not to remember any of their names. 3 of them she worked with 2 she didn't. She claims not to work with any of them any more. I did ask if any were married
she knows one was engaged and thinks 1 or 2 might have been married. That tells me that she is withholding the truth. I would definitely schedule a polygraph. Let her know that this won't work unless she gives you the full truth. As far as you know, she still works with all these men. Where would I find a place to do a polygraph test? I'll be back later today. Have to get kids to church. Thanks for your advice.
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Should I still make her affairs known to family and clergy without her here?
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Should I still make her affairs known to family and clergy without her here? Yes, but I don't think you have all the truth. I would focus on getting the names of the OM and setting up a polygraph. It is very likely she has coworkers she has slept with. How would she have had the opportunity to cheat in the past? Do either of you travel? Are you apart overnight? Here is a thread about polygraphs: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473858#Post2473858
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
She claims not to remember any of their names. 3 of them she worked with 2 she didn't. She claims not to work with any of them any more. I did ask if any were married
she knows one was engaged and thinks 1 or 2 might have been married. The fact that she won't tell you their names tells me she is hiding something. Why do you think she fessed up now? Is it possible that one of the wives of these men is going to contact you and she is just covering her bases in advance?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should I still make her affairs known to family and clergy without her here? Yes, but I don't think you have all the truth. I would focus on getting the names of the OM and setting up a polygraph. It is very likely she has coworkers she has slept with. How would she have had the opportunity to cheat in the past? Do either of you travel? Are you apart overnight? Here is a thread about polygraphs: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473858#Post2473858The first time when we were engaged she went away for work and cheated with someone else that also traveled to help at the same store she was helping at. Guess she only worked with him for a week. A couple years later I was working midnight shift when 2 of the affairs happened. The last affair she's admitting to I was working second shift and she just claimed to be working late. I no longer have that job and our sons daycare is so expensive because of his disability that I can only work odds jobs here and there(I also care for my 89 year old grandmother and disabled uncle). So I'm home most of the time.
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Any suggestions on how to expose what has happened without coming across like I just want to embarrass or humiliate her? Seeing she's saying it hasn't happened in years.
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