My husband recently discovered that I had an affair. It ended 6 months before physically, but since I still emailed the guy occassionally, my husband considers it not having ended until he found out. At first, he did not know it was physical, but new about the email, emotional relationship.
Of course, he was incredibly hurt. Unfortunately, as soon as our 10-year old son came in the door from school that day, he flew off the handle and told him that we were getting a divorce, and that I had a boyfriend. He then proceeded to call our 14-year old daughter at school and told her the same. For a day or two, I told him that it was just emotional, a person to vent to. I knew I would tell the whole truth eventually, but couldn't deal with it all at once. Immediately after he found out about the relationship, while my husband was out of town on a fishing trip with our son, he contacted the other guy, and the other guy let him know there had been a physical relationship, namely oral. He told everyone there with him about it, and our son as well. He also called our daughter (who was home with me) and told her the specific details! He admits now it was not what he should have done, but what's done is done. Things were a little rocky between my daughter and I before, so now, they're really bad. She constantly spews mean and hateful comments toward me about everything and doesn't think she has to listen to or respect me at all. We are getting ready to start her on counseling as well.
So, now his parents, friends and all kinds of people know. His family wants nothing to do with me, and he was very frustrated, as his family told him he was stupid to try to work it out with me. He has gotten them to a point where they will support him in what he wants to do, but they still want nothing to do with me. This is very difficult, as we have all been very close. My husband basically wants to invite them all over to sit down and have a pow wow with me. They are very involved in everything, and I know they will grill me and ask tons of questions, and probably demean and insult me. I feel that this should more so be between my husband and I.
It has been 1 month since this was found out. He is working very hard to not bring up the affair and not be negative about things. Of course, things still get said and brought up many times per day.
We are going to counseling, but he is not at a place where he accepts any reason I have. He constantly wants to know "Why?" and the problem is, I don't really know why. There were times I asked myself the same question and could not answer. Really, I think that the other guy was "nice" to me, and at home, my husband and I did not get along. However, when giving my husband this reason (at counseling no less), he got pissed. He says that is not acceptable. Also, he seems to take the stance that he was a perfect husband, and that I made the choice to screw him over. He knows we had our problems years ago, but believes that things had been better over the last 5 years (which is true, but they still weren't good, as far as how we treated each other).
On the plus side, while he is disgusted at what I did, and has visualizations in his head, he is still very attracted to me, and wants me more than ever! On the down side, I do not crave sex like he does. He would be ecstatic with multiple times, every day. I don't even want multiple times per week. It is not him, I just don't want it. Of course, I can't say that to him, because he figures I did stuff with the other guy on a weekly basis, so I must want it. It's hard to explain, but with the affair, it was more like, he was nice to me, which made me happy, so I wanted to make him happy, not that I craved the sexual act. But if I told my husband that, he would think I was full of [censored].
So, question 1:
Should I have a "pow wow" with his family, and should all the ins and outs even be discussed with them? Shouldn't it be between my husband and I? And what should I do to mend my relationship with them?

question 2:
Should my husband be encouraged to stop asking questions about the affair? Our therapist says that he should be given more time, but I've also seen suggestions that there only be a few days or a week where questions are asked and answered, and then it should not be harped upon.
I love him and I very much want to keep our family together. I believe that we can be better than we ever were before. We are only 1 month in, and I hope that it gets better every day!

question 3:
How should I handle the demand for intimacy? If I reject him, he gets very upset and wonders why I would reject him, when I didn't the other guy. As I said, I didn't have a great deal of desire for the sexual act itself, but he will not accept that. Do I "stick it out" until it subsides a bit? He says that he knows he wants it alot right now, but that, as he starts to believe that I desire him, it will subside.

I know this was a very long post, and I appreciate anyone who reads it and offers advice! Thank you!

On another note, he refuses to let me go to a public place without him. He says he can't trust me to go anywhere, because he will think I am meeting someone.

How do I deal with this? I am trying to stick it out, until it gets a little better, but my cousin's wedding is this weekend, and he wants me to skip it. He doesn't want to go, because he feels awkward, since my family knows about this, and given that it's a wedding. I don't think he will be able to stand to go. If I go, I know he will worry all night, but I also would feel terrible about missing my cousin's wedding.

Hi repent, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like your husband has done alot of good things so far, namely exposure. This is one of the most important first steps towards recovery. Exposure is very therapeutic. Is the OM married? And if so, has your H informed his wife and family?

Have you ended ALL contact with the OM and changed your contact information so there will never be contact again? I will post a checklist in the next thread of extraordinary precautions that are necessary to recover from an affair.


We actually DO know the answer. The answer is that you have poor boundaries around men. If you had not allowed another man to meet your needs, the affair would have never happened. You can tell your husband this is the reason and this reason comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.



An affair affects the whole family. An affair is not a "private" event. It affects your children, your parents, your in-laws. His family cannot and should not mistreat you, but it may mend your relationship if you showed some remorse and told them what you are doing to protect their son in the future.


You should answer all of his questions truthfully and completely right up front. You played some trickle truth head games with your husband initially so it will be harder for him to believe you. Lying after you are caught is as damaging, if not more, as the affair.

if you send your husband here, we will encourage him to get all his questions out and then never bring it up again.


I would not have sex with him unless you are enthusiastic about it. A better idea would be to create a romantic passionate relationship.

Of course he doesn't trust you so that makes sense. The more integrated your lives, the safer he will feel. You want him to feel safe, right?


I would strongly encourage you to never do anything without his enthusiastic agreement if you want to stay married. That is a basic rule of any good marriage and has nothing to do with your current damaged marriage.

Will your husband come here and speak to us?

The recovery program at Marriage Builders consists of 2 steps: a) affair proofing the marriage and b) creating an integrated, romantic, passionate marriage. That program is in the book Surviving an Affair. Here is the checklist I mentioned:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.