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It is ridiculous to think that those "conversations" can *only* occur at school, therefore the only problem is school and not the fact that you are in direct contact. Do you think you have some special protection magic fairy who prevents conversations at your home?

The problem is face to face contact, WHEREVER THAT MIGHT BE. The whole point of separation is to eliminate damaging contact.

Ok, I understand everything that you are saying. We are NOT living together though....we are never ever under the same roof together. Interactions yes, but not living together.

He is furious that I am talking to y'all and says that the "reviews on marriage builders" are terrible and that y'all are ruining our marriage.

HE ruined our marriage long before marriage builders came into the picture, when I found y'all it gave me hope that there could be a chance for us...

Yes, you are living together but taking turns spending the night apart. It is not a separation, it is a band-aid, a pretend separation.


Of course he will be furious with any program that holds him accountable.


Agree with every word.

Stop the interactions.

When I was separated Prisca had me give her the key to the house so I could not come and go as I pleased. If I had not done that she would have changed the locks.

I don't really have to worry about him coming in angry or anything like that. He is doing much better with the outburst but the doors have latches on them anyway. Not meant to keep anyone out, but to keep my 2 year old in!

Okay, well if everything is working well and you don't need our help...

That's not the point.

You are not separated if he still can get in whenever he wants.

You keep asking how long it took markos to come around after we separated, but you're not listening to HOW I kicked him out. It doesn't matter how long it took markos, because you haven't even taken the first step.

You haven't taken control.

You are still living at the whim of an angry husband.

It's not going to work. IF your husband ever comes around to finally doing what he needs to do, your lovebank is going to be so deep in the red that you're going to hate him. You do not want to get to that point.

yep!

This is not a man who is willing to do what it takes to recover his marriage. A man who is concerned about you and your marriage would encourage you to talk to whoever you need to in order to keep him accountable.

He would be here, asking to be kept accountable.

He would be talking to Dr. Harley, asking to be kept accountable.

He would NOT be furious at a bunch of strangers on the internet who are encouraging his wife to protect herself and her marriage.

He is furious because he is losing control.

You NEED TO TAKE CONTROL.

Being furious at a bunch of faceless strangers is really telling. Seriously? He's not taking his anger management seriously at all.

so agree. We have a saying in Texas: money talks and bull**** walks. So far we have only seen the latter from this guy.

Howdy -- It has definitely been a while since I have posted or responded on this site. But, after reading all of your professional advice and Disrespectful Judgments on my behalf, I feel compelled to share a little of my ignorance.

First to clear the air of a few things. I have faithfully been attending an anger management specialist and have made great strides in being able to control my temper and outbursts. I guess y'all know that from my wife's earlier posts (if you really pay attention to them). Still working on the disrespectful judgments -- they seem to be harder since my personality dictates a sarcastic side.

Next - I want to be upfront and honest. From being on the air, and before handing back all Marriage Builder material back to my wife (mostly because of the forum - MelodyLane, Markos, and Prisca), I do have respect for Dr. Harley and his work with others when dealing with relationships. Besides his work, he has the credentials to give advice. From going through our situation, I am thankful to men like Dr. Harley for the successes they have accrued in helping save marriages.

Next - As for the "strangers on the internet," I have absolutely zero respect. First Melody, as we also live in Texas, we have a saying too - "Don't mettle in other people's affairs when it does not concern you." and especially if you don't have the credentials to be giving the advice. Oh, but you might say I have been through a similar situation and this program helped me. Let's see, we have not had infidelity in our marriage (not similar) - oh, but you did - maybe the advice you should give to other wives is what not to do to make their husbands want to cheat on them. Markos, of all, I thought you were the wiser one of the three but then when my wife asked you a straight forward question, "I know you had been in a similar situation, how long did it take before you showed consistent change in your behavior?" you responded like this "I'll make you a deal, if you do what Melody says, I'll share" -- when shown this response to numerous people (male and female), most shared the common response "red flag" - why doesn't he just answer, wonder what he is hiding - unless these are the tactics taught to posters under Dr. Harley (which I highly doubt because he seems to be respectable). Prisca, how is it that you do not understand to this day that we do not live under the same roof. I stay with my parents when my wife has the kids and she stays with her parents when I have the kids. Just because she didn't make me cough up a key does not mean she does not have control over the house when she has our children. The couple of times I have come over, I respectfully knocked on the door and waited several feet back from the door so that when she opened it, she did not feel threatened or afraid. I understand (from my wife) that y'all are passionate about this program and possibly feel it is the best because of the success you had through it. As far as the control issue, I lost control the day she decided to separate. She controls when I am allowed back into our family. If and when we do make it back together, we will share power equally and work as a team. Neither of us will dominate the other - mutual respect.

Similar conclusions can be made using a variety of different methods. Not all couples are the same. There are extenuating circumstances to all relationships. But, the three of you don't bother to hear or read that - you only hide behind screen names and feel an overwhelming amount of power by subjecting others to your thoughts on THEIR relationship (and get upset when they don't do exactly what you say.) As far as not wanting my wife to go to anybody to find help or feel secure, not true, I asked her if she/we would want to go to a certified, degreed, and reputable marriage therapist of her choice. Someone where they got to know the both of us and our issues (one on one) or (together) if needed. I even asked her if she would want us to talk to her grandfather, who is a minister, and has had experience in guiding couples through their trials and tribunes using a Christian approach.

Finally - I have found a new respect and love for my wife because of this separation and I pray our marriage will be lifted to happier, healthier times in the future because of the situation I put my family in and through. I know I do want to be an integral part of their life for as long as I am given to walk on this earth. I am doing my part and trying to redeem myself for past mistakes to my WIFE and our CHILDREN.

Believe it or not, this was not an angry outburst. These are the thoughts of an ignorant soul that messed up his relationship with his wife and is now trying to show (through action, not words) how much she truly means to him.

It doesn't help your position at all to threaten to have an affair. If you have an affair it is not her fault.
This comes across as a twisted way to try to control her through fear yet again.

I believe you mean to change and are working to change, but my message to your wife is to read carefully between the lines and not be intimidated by the numerous abusive tactics in this post. You have a long way to go before you get to equality and care in your marriage. If that's your goal, then get serious about it. Dr Harley, who you recognize as qualified,says it takes a year to change and three months of anger management before interacting much at all. Keep working. She should be in no hurry to take you back or interact with you. She's already not following the professional recommendations.

Who is threatening to have an affair? I am certainly not, I may be a lot of things, but a cheater I am not. I do believe that when one is married, there was a reason you chose that person to be your spouse for life -

The excerpt taken from my post was directed at MelodyLane for all the advice she likes to give on this forum - it was meant to say she needs to stick to giving advice on things she might really know about.

JBTK12, actually that was an angry outburst. And yes, we all know why you are angry. You don't want to follow the program, because you don't really want to change. You want to continue with your pretend "separation" and continue to fight with your wife and deliver lovebusters on a regular basis.


You and your wife came to us. We didn't come to you. So no one is "meddling" in your affairs. You and your wife freely post your personal information here and ask for advice.

As far as "credentials," the only credentials we have on this forum is to give the advice that Dr. Harley would recommend. If you read the rules, if anyone is giving advice counter to his, that advice is removed. WE do not post based on our "experience." Obviously our "experience" is wrecking marriages, just as you have done.

Even so, my husband and I have been through the exact same program you are going through so I don't understand why you think I have no "experience." The basic concepts are the basic concepts. We went through the program with a certified marriage builders coach that was supervised by Dr. Harley.

What we do have is a thorough and complete understanding of Dr Harley's program. We have been through his program and have created happy marriages using these principles. So, the advice we give is from Dr. Harley. And yes, he has credentials.


I would just point out that you are not the best judge of that. I can certainly admit I don't have the credentials to save a marriage [outside of recommending Dr Harley's methods], can you admit the same? At least I have a great marriage I can point to; you don't.


She cannot understand something that is not true. You live in the same house, so it is ridiculous to say you are "separated" just because you spend the nights elsewhere sometimes. A "separation" means you MOVE out to another abode. You have not done that.

You have a whole team of people who want to help you save your marriage and what are you doing? Fighting with them. That tells me something very important: you are not serious about following the necessary steps to save your marriage. You have fought it the whole way and continue to fight it. Just know when you DO get serious, we will be here to help. But there is nothing we can do if you aren't serious.

**EDIT**

Moderators note: if you are here to ask for guidance, we would be glad to open this thread. Since that is not your purpose, we will lock it. You will not be allowed to come here and fight and attack board members. Any questions, email me at mbdenali@gmail.com