I would hold off until you get all the facts. There are way too many missing pieces. Fill in the pieces with missing names, timelines, etc first. I would get on her phone and computer and start digging around. You also need to install spyware on her communication devices.

We don't have a computer anymore. All we have a smart phones. What kinda spyware should I look at and how would I be able to see what she's doing without her knowing it's on her phone?

Your wife is not being honest with you. She would remember the name of her affair partners. For Pete's sake, how do you forget the name of a person you gave your body to?

That being said, you have no idea of how many affairs your wife has had. You cannot take her word for it. Cheaters are perpetual liars, and that is hard for betrayed spouses to understand at first. But you have to trust us when we say that they lie.

You need to ask your wife how many affairs she has had and when the latest one was. You also must ask her to give you the names of these affair partners. Let her know that the answers she gives will have to be verified by a polygraph. Let her know that is one of the conditions of recovery of your marriage.

Once you have gotten this information, expose all of the affairs to your frineds and family, her friends and family, and the friends and family of each affair partner. If any of the affairs were workplace events then you must also expose to her supervisor and the HR department.

Your wife sounds like a serial cheater. That means she is going to have to drastically change her lifestyle, and working around men is dangerous to your marriage since she doesn't put up boundaries.

Have you seen this?
What is kidsafe?

BH,

Just a minor point of clarification.

The newly posted cell phone spyware I posted yesterday is called:

KidInSafe

Just so the name does not get confused with some other version with that similar name that I have not checked out yet.

LTL

Let me see if I understand your situation:

You lived together before marriage. During this time, your girlfriend cheated on you. You got married and for a couple of years more, she continued to be unfaithful. This all stopped, to the best of you knowledge, over seven years ago.

Is that correct?

Is SMS the same as text message? I didn't see text messaging listed as traceable but it showed SMS

We lived together while engaged yes. Her story is she cheated(by my term) twice once having intercourse with another guy. The other time inappropriate touching(I still count it as I'm sure she would if the shoe was on the other foot). Then she said she stopped because she was scared of me finding out and losing me. Then 5 ywars later she cheated again with 2 different guys and I caught her with one. She lied about how many times it happened and only admitted the the one I caught her with.
She told me now she wants to come clean and fix our marriage and told me about everything that happened previously to me catching her and admitted to an affair that happened about 6 months after I caught her. Her claim now is she hasn't cheated in 7 years but felt I should know as part of her repentance. In short.

Been looking at polygraph test but not sure when I can afford one right now. I finally got first names from her but she claims not to know last names. I had her write them down and put the list in my safe. I'll wait a few weeks and have her rename them to see if names change. Not sure if I should do polygraph first or spyware. Not real familiar with software stuff.

Yes, SMS is text messaging.

From Wikipedia:

Short Message Service (SMS) is a text messaging service component of phone, Web, or mobile communication systems. It uses standardized communications protocols to allow fixed line or mobile phone devices to exchange short text messages.[1]

LTL

You need to read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It will help you to understand the dynamics of your relationship.

It seems obvious to me that you are in a renter relationship. The title of your thread, �when is enough enough�, belies a renter mindset. Those living together before marriage always start the marriage in renter relationships, and the renter status persists after marriage. That is the single greatest risk of living together before marriage � that you will never be able to become committed buyers.

To a large extent, you are responsible for this situation. When you married your wife, you did so with full knowledge of what had occurred to that point in time. When you marry, you accept the other person �as is�. You lose the right to hold prior misdeeds against them. You chose to marry someone who had demonstrated unfaithfulness to you. That was your choice.

When your wife came to you recently with her �confession�, it was just as likely that it was her attempt to do something to advance your marriage toward a buyer status as it was that she felt a need for repentance. It only makes sense that she is telling you the truth. After all, she didn�t really need to reveal anything. The events were long ago. Presumably, you have not been talking about them repeatedly over the past seven years. If you have, that is another problem that I will address shortly.

It is unlikely your wife is hiding more information from you. It is illogical to assume that she is. She didn�t need to volunteer what she confessed, so why lie in the confession? Likely, you know all that is relevant to know, particularly about something so far in the past. The survival of your marriage is far more dependent on how you will move forward than it is on the details of the affairs themselves.

Your response so far is that of an entrenched renter. You immediately wonder if this situation is worth your effort. You seek to use the situation as a tool to improve your position in the relationship. Certainly, there has to be a way to leverage this into something better for you.

You have two ways to go. Either fulfill your destiny as a renter and move on to something better, or stop being a renter and become a buyer. Stop trying to club your wife over the head and join with her in a commitment to build up your marriage. There is no future in any marriage where discussion of affairs never ends. End all talk of the affair � today. You should ask your final questions and never bring it up again.

I want make clear I didn't know of any cheating prior to 2007 and then I only knew of the one instance I caught 8 years ago. When we got married I didn't know about the cheating that had occurred while we were engaged. Maybe that doesn't change anything but I really didn't know.

So I should just get over it then and act like it all never happened?

You should either call it quits and get a divorce or commit to your marriage and work toward becoming a buyer.

What will not work is for you to continue love busting your wife until you feel you have punished her commensurate with her crimes against you.

So, make up your mind.

Aww thanks LTL.

Here Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

What's the statute of limitations of feeling betrayed by a wayward spouse? If she comes up to me again in 10 years and says she cheated again 5 years ago is that to long of a time before finding out to feel betrayed? Is that so far in the past that the affair shouldn't make me or any other reasonable person feel betrayed? What's the time frame between the affair and reveling it till any affair doesn't matter and shouldn't affect the spouse cheated on? Is the time frame different depending on if it's the husband or wife cheating? Just curious for future reference. As she brought it up not me.

The statute of limitations is about 85 years. [or when you are dead] But when you do find out, you will feel the double betrayal of her adultery coupled with YEARS of lies. The longer the years of lies, the harder to recover.

It is not about how you feel but how you act. Everyone feels betrayed upon discovery. But how you feel does not justify bad behavior. You do not get a pass to love bust your WS. What you do get is the right to leave the marriage, but even in that case you should do so with respect. If you want to save your marriage, there is a very narrow path to follow. If you are not willing to follow the path, then you should just call it quits now.

And no, it isn't fair. Being a BS is no picnic.

Feelings do not dictate behavior.

You may feel betrayed, but if you want personal recovery, even if you want a divorce, keep your dignity instead of becoming demanding, disrespectful, or angry.

Hey Bmonk,
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I read through your thread and to you it may seem that you are getting conflicting advice on snooping/exposure on one hand and feeling betrayed/lovebusting/renting on the other. It is actually not conflicting but addressing different stages of what you need to do. So:
1) Decide, do you want to stay married or do you want to divorce. A lot goes into that equation.

2) If you want to divorce there is advice here on how to mitigate the impact to you and your family, and hopefully if you ever pursue another relationship, improve how you go about it.

3) If you want to try to recover your marriage there are specific things you need to do. Specifically, get yourself in order, decide who the husband and father you want to be is and work on that. Deciding to become a buyer is part of that. Meeting your wife's needs and avoiding lovebusting her is another part of it. Holding her accountable to extraordinary precautions, participating in the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are also part of it.

If you can lay out your goals, the vets on the forum can help you work out a plan to achieve it and help to hold you accountable to do what YOU need to do. No one can control what another does, including your wayward wife. So you will need to do these things because it is what YOU believe you should do regardless of the outcome of the situation.