I am in need of some help and don't know what to do from here. This is my story.

In May of this year my wife took a second job waitressing Friday and Saturday nights to help us save up some money for a down payment on a new house. On those nights she got off of work around 12:30am. Many nights she ended up having to stay later for one reason or another. Some times she stayed late at the bar for drink with her good friend (who does work there) and wouldn't get home until 2am.

One night in early August I texted her when she was at work asking if she was still there and if she was going to stay later. I sent a few additional texts and never got one back from her. The next day I had a gut feeling that something was up. It was strange that she never got back to me. I ended up looking at her phone when she was in the bathroom getting ready and found a text to her friend (the one that works with her at the restaurant) that stated "you know who wanted to know why I was ignoring him and I am going to go to his place to show him I'm not". I confronted her on this text and after some initial denial she admitted that she did go over there and started to explain how she met this guy.

She explained that a week earlier she met this guy at the bar after work and talked for a while. They exchanged phone numbers and that was it. Then the following week he reached out to her and she decided to go say hi to him. She claims when she went to the house nothing happened and they just stayed outside talking. I was furious and didn't know what to think/believe. After a week of insane emotions on my part she admitted that he kissed her when she went there, but she didn't kiss him back and that was all that happened. At this stage, I didn't believe a word she was saying.

To keep this as short as possible, I will bullet point some other things that happened over the next several weeks.
-She swore she wasn't going to interact with this guy anymore
-Said she wanted "space" repeatedly
-She went away for a weekend to clear her head, stayed over at a hotel by the shore in the next state
-Found out that she was still seeing him
-Found out where this guy lived and found her car there (several times)
-Found a condom stuck in the driver side door jam of her car (claims this was the worst karma and must have got stuck on her shoe and had no idea where it came from)
-She stayed out many nights until 1, 2, or 3am.
-I filed for divorce in early October

There is a lot more detail that I can provide, if needed. I unfortunately did all the wrong things earlier on and pursued, begged, pleaded. I tracked her phone once and found out she was going to a restaurant instead of the gym like she told me. I jumped the gun and went there to confront her. Didn't find anything and lost the element of surprise. She then turned the tracking feature off on her phone, added a password and locked her computer as well.

I am really at a crossroads. Part of me still wants to save my marriage, but part of me doesn't know if it's salvageable. She has lied so much, continues to deny an affair, and continues to go out every other night for hours on end with no explanation.

Do I have enough information to expose the affair? I already did some of things I shouldn't have. When I found the condom and her parked at the guys house, I called my wife's mom to let her know. My parents know everything (most of my family side knows). When I told her mom, she was very sad to hear what I was saying, but also said she needed to talk to her daughter and get "her side". I am fairly certain my wife denied it and swept that scenario under the rug. Have I lost leverage? Since then, I have had no contact with her side of the family. I tried reaching out once and they never got back to me.

Here are the details that I do have of an affair.
-Her car parked at this guys house multiple times until early morning hours
-I have his address
-I have his name
-I found a condom in the car
-She has been going to the gym and he is there the same time
-The OM goes for treatment regularly at the place she works
-I reviewed phone/text records, nothing there (I think they are communicating via imessage and those don't show up)

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do from here. We are in the process of divorce, but have 2 kids and part of me wants my wife back. It's been a trying journey and struggle with what is right and what is wrong at this stage. I hear so much about the fog and know this person isn't my wife right now.

Thanks
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And just to add a little more detail. I started over on divorce busting site a month ago and have tried their approach of being the best me and letting it play out. I don't think this is going to work and am afraid the more time I let pass, the less likely I am of saving the marriage.

Any advice what I should do next?

Welcome to MB.

Does your having been on DB mean that you have not exposed this affair? If you have, to whom have you exposed it? (Your parents, hers, your kids, both of your close friends?)

Is OM married? Have you personally exposed the affair to his wife?

Remind me - is this a workplace affair? Have you exposed it there, if so?

I tried exposing the affair to my wife with the evidence I had at the time. And it wasn't a one time conversation, but every time I found something new I immediately confronted her. I now know this was a mistake and caused her to go further underground.

I confronted her regarding the initial text, finding her car at his house, the first time I tracked her phone (find your IPhone) to a different place than what she said, and finding the condom in the car. She had an excuse for every one of these and kept claiming he was just a friend. An ear to talk about our marital issues with. I know this is not the case.

And he is a patient at the office she works at. I am a bit worried about exposing the affair at the workplace because if she get's fired for this (small business) and I don't save the marriage, I will owe more for child support/alimony. I know that she is actively seeing him, but now has gone underground. I do know they also workout together (or at least go to the gym at the same time).

The OM isn't married and to my knowledge, has never been married. He is the owner of a small wielding business, but this is all I know. I exposed the affair to my parents, her former restaurant employer (no longer works there), our couple friend, and her mom. Her mom wanted us to work it out and felt horrible this was happening, but said she needed to get her daughters side of the story. I know my wife covered it up and denied it all. If not, she most likely spun it already to be about me.

"I tried exposing the affair to my wife with the evidence I had at the time."

I don't understand this - your wife knows she is having the affair. How can you expose this to her, when she is the one doing it?

I think you mean that you confronted her, and I see that she denied everything. What you should have done is got proof that would have convinced a jury, such as more incriminating text messages, and recordings of her conversations with him in her car. Then, you should have told your families - including your own kids - and close friends, that she was having an affair. Her mother would not have been able to deny this if your evidence had been more secure. You should have asked for her mother's support in ensuring that her grandkids do not end up with their futures destroyed in a broken family, with a stepfather making them unhappy.

I can understand why you did not take those actions, because DB firmly disapproves of them - and you can see where not taking a firm stand has got you.

"And he is a patient at the office she works at."

Is this a medical setting? If so, she has breached strong ethical guidelines and codes of conduct. I am not in the USA (as I assume you are), but I am certain that this is a serious breach of workplace rules in a medical setting. And if it's not a medical setting, it is still a serious breach for a worker to have an affair with a client. You need to expose at the workplace immediately, and hope that she does get fired. if she doesn't, and continues to see him, you will end up divorced. You will owe whatever you are required to pay in child support; if you are going to let that fact guide your actions, you might as well openly condone the affair on the grounds that you are protecting your income.

Do you know this man's full name, and do you know the name of his business?

What was your parents' response to the exposure, and what about the other friends?

Why haven't you told your kids?

Thank you SugarCane for the feedback.

She works at a chiropractic office and I believe this is definitely a breach of workplace rules. I guess my bigger concern is exposing it there and not having "enough evidence". Yes I can say she is having an affair with him because I saw her car there on several occasions and they most likely work out together, but isn't it just my word vs. hers? Can't she just deny it or say they are friends? I just want to make sure that it doesn't end up backfiring.

I know is full name and the name of his business.

My parents were shocked by the whole thing and supported me on reconciling. However, as time progressed they began to persuade me to move on and leave this remorseful cheater behind. Last month my mom offered to speak with my wife about what was going on, but ended up retracting the offer as my wife's actions continued to be selfish. In regards to the friends, the couple friends we have are picking sides. The woman has sided with her stating that "she's probably not having an affair and he is making all of this up". The man has sided with me and can't believe she cheated and thinks I need to leave her behind as well.

We were waiting to tell the kids about the divorce until it was close to being official. This was in hopes of keeping a sense of normalcy while we live in the same house.

I guess I wonder if what I have is enough or do I need concrete proof of her having an affair? Something like the checkmate DNA test strips or a PI to gather more evidence? If I am going after her work, I just need to be careful. Where i live is a no fault state and it's hard to get sympathy from a court on adultery.

I feel so confused and wish I could get her to wake up!

You are correct that the car evidence, and their working out, would not be persuasive evidence of an affair to outsiders. The obvious solution is to GET conclusive evidence. You could hide a voice recorder in her car or wherever she is likely to speak to him on the phone; you could put spyware on her mobile phone and a keylogger on the home PC; you could hire a PI, who would find conclusive evidence very quickly, since this is undoubtedly an affair.

You don't sit on your hands doing nothing!

Expose him to his clients. Post the details on one of the cheating exposure websites - but only when you have firm evidence.

Look him up on Facebook and find his close friends and family, and expose to them by private message (when you have proper evidence). Tell them that this man is trying to break up your kids' family, and your marriage, by having an affair with your wife.

It is good that they gave you support, but the other thing that you are hoping for with exposure is that they would put pressure on your wife to stop the affair. As far as I can see, neither your parents nor her mother were encouraged to do that. You need to get them to think about their grandkids' futures. Do they want them to experience divorce? Do they know how that affects kids? They need to persuade your wife to stop this!

I didn't say that you must tell the kids about the divorce (which has not happened); I asked why you had not exposed the affair to them. Why are you allowing them to experience the strain their family, and wonder whether this is something they have caused, without telling them that their mother is having an affair, and that you are trying to get her to end it?

What do you need to be careful OF? What will happen if you disclose her adultery should it come to divorce? What is the judge going to do to you?

I think my only option at this point is a PI. Unfortunately it's illegal for me to record audio conversations without both parties consent for the state I live in. And I wish I did spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her home PC before she locked me out of both (password protected). I really shot myself in the foot by tipping my hand so early.

I definitely need to get my parents involved once I have more concrete evidence. Not sure if her mom will see the negative effects this will have on the children nearly as much as my parents. She herself divorced when her daughters were young. I think her perspective will be very different.

I am worried about telling my kids about the affair. They are 5 & 7 and don't want them to resent one of us. Is it bad that I care if they end up resenting her? I guess I am afraid that they aren't old enough or mature enough to understand this concept yet. I don't know, maybe they are just excuses. It really never crossed my mind to tell them the truth. Everyone else, yes and eventually they would find out. Is this a critical element? Just wondering how important of a role this piece is.

Your kids will resent you for lying to them and giving them false explanations for the source of tension in the home. They know something is wrong and are confused. Children are not made happy or secure with lies and illusions. They can deal with facts, they can't deal with lies.

Covering up for your wife helps no one. Not your wife or your children.

Thank you MelodyLane, that makes a lot of sense. If I am honest, I am really worried about this one. Is this something I should tell me wife first or just sit down with the kids one day and tell them alone?

Up until now we have been open with each other about every element when it comes to the kids. I know she would blow her lid if I told them this without her knowing.

When I do tell them, should it be based on my current evidence or only if I get that concrete proof?

Is that supposed to help the kids somehow?

I still resent my mother's affair, but I don't let it interfere with having a happy, healthy, and productive adult life. I should think anybody whose parent has an affair OUGHT to resent them for it. Not resenting somebody for doing the most damaging thing they could possibly do to your childhood doesn't sound healthy to me.

In my case, the situation was reversed - I got to discover the affair and reveal it to my dad.

Not sure exactly markos. First time I have been through any of this and am concerned with what is right/wrong for the kids. I know kids can have a ton of different reactions and may or may not share how they are truly feeling about everything.

I guess I am trying to protect them from the pain I am feeling.

Pain is a healthy signal. It lets you know something is wrong.

Should I do this with my current evidence or once I know 100%, indisputable proof? Also, should I talk about this with my wife before I do it. Let her know what I am going to do? Like I said before, we have talked about everything together thus far when it's come to the kids.

Should the kids finding out the truth happen once I fully expose her? Do it all at once?

To be more specific...hire a PI, get the concrete evidence, expose her at work, with family again, and so on?

No, NO, NO, NO!!!!!

A thousand times NO!!!!!

Do not discuss exposure with your wayward.

Read MelodyLane's exposure thread - I'm pretty sure that is one of the points made in it.


She didn't talk with you about having an affair, and that definitely affects the kids.

I exposed to my kids 5 & 7... I have taken a lot of flack for it.

I am still angry at my parents 30 years ago for not telling me the truth when they got divorced. They kept silent to "protect me"... I ended up not having a great relationship with either one of them and not ending up with a very good marriage myself.

It may not have meant as much to me at that age.. but looking back, I remember how much they both dismissed my ability to know the truth and handle the truth and make my own decisions. I resent them both for that.

My kids are not growing up today with a healthy role model for what a marriage is supposed to be... but at least by exposing to them, they know right from wrong, they know the source of the hurt, and they have an example of what not to do because they know how much pain it causes their family and the source of that pain. They also know that it is not their fault.

Things you learn as a child are the things that you carry with you your entire life.. they become etched into your brain. I told my kids what was going on a couple weeks before full exposure... when exposure happened and things got crazy, they already knew what was going on and had time to process it as best they could.

The relationship they have with the other parent is their choice to make. It may damages that relationship... by holding the truth from them, you have damaged two relationships and not one.

My now ex WH discovered his own father cheating on his mother at about the age of your children. He knew because . . children ALWAYS know. They just do not know that it is wrong unless someone says that it is.

Because nothing was said to them, he and his sister took into their adult lives the belief that cheating is what grownups do. The apple did not fall far from the tree.