Don't be swayed. Every addict claims to hAve their meds "stolen." maybe they were maybe they weren't.

I know it must be so hard for you!! But he must hit bottom in order to change. He has not hit bottom all these years because you were there to protect him. Believe it or not, this is the best medicine for him!!!

Now, he has a choice before him. If you don't jump in and save him, he will have to save himself. And wouldn't that be wonderful?

He is in the long habit of pandering pity from you and it has worked in the past. It is not working for him now so he has recruited the therapist to push his "cause."

Why does the solution have to be that flowergirl rescues a grown man? Why can't the grown man rescue himself? Why can't the solution be that he visit a back specialist and get surgery or cortesteroid injections? Why can't the solution be that he get a job and become self sufficient?

If you don't rescue him, he will be forced to rescue himself. That is a GREAT THING!

Flowergirl, how are you?

I am fine, ML. Not much has changed. Dr Harley gave me a call. He agreed my H hasn't shown change and corroborated how unattractive the pity/guilt inducing messages are. They've driven me further away.

My plan was to talk with my H at joint counseling because I just really don't want much to do with him right now. Dr Harley said that's not a bad idea. Go with the intent on asking him what he is planning on doing - to change, anger management, back treatment, etc. It's funny, my H thinks there's nothing he can do to work on things while separated and while not seeing the family. I'm not even sure how much or if at all his therapy is focused on anger management. H thinks he can control the anger with other simple fixes.

So we'll see. Still not sure where this is all headed.

Are you going to the counselor who was trying to make you feel guilty and responsble for your H's pisspoor choices?

It is the same therapist. I don't know that she was trying to make me feel guilty or responsible, although I did. She really just seemed concerned for him. Nonetheless, I'll see how it goes.

Will you be able to withstand 2 people - who don't have your best interest at heart - working you over? Can you take a sane, outspoken friend to defend you?

Your husband is a professional at beating people down so he can use them. He is a user and a manipulator. That is pretty hard for most normal to take. Most addicts are professional manipulators. I know you don't believe your husband is an addict, but any person who is familiar with addiction can tell you this.

You stated once that "12 years ago he was addicted to painkillers." He is still addicted, he just has a new source: marijuana. Addiction is not curable. HE won't quit. And what is really telling is that he has you convinced that he has to have narcotics or he wll have angry outbursts. Therefore, the AO's are YOUR FAULT because you won't tolerate painkillers. Aren't addicts so clever in how they a) protect the source of their addictions and b) blame everyone else?? A CLASSIC addict maneuver!

And just think, he could have avoided all that if he had back surgery or many of the numerous treatments that most people get!

Didn't he already tell you he won't do anything? After all, it is your fault he has angry outbursts.

Yes he has. But I haven't been able to hear it. Or rather confident enough to stand my ground.

I know what I want now (and don't want) and will make sure I stand firm. If he can't offer anything else, I believe it will just be realizing and admitting it's over. I do know this will be easier said than done.

Do you have someone who cares about you that you can bring for moral support? I wish I could come with you!

Well I do also live in Texas! I could bring a family member but I know he wouldn't want them in the room.

I am living in Oklahoma now or I would ask you to come!! Seriously! I lived just south of Houston until recently.

Small world. I live just south of Houston.

I sure do miss it!

I bet. I'm sure OK gets too cold for my blood.

No, not really. I grew up in Houston and lived there until I got married. We lived for 5 years in OKC and I ADORED it. There were actually seasons. We had snow, but just enough to be fun, not to get tired of it. It is just as hot there in the summer as it is in Texas. It is less humid than Houston though...smile.

exactly! The snow is sort of cool, but the summers are definitely just as hot here. Lots of cowboys and BBQ up here too.

I need some support. He STILL hasn't found a place to live, switched his disability check to his own account, or regularly attended counseling/anger management. He is staying with someone he met from the extended stay hotel that's in an apartment now - on an air mattress in the kids bedroom.

All I have wanted is for him to figure this **** out so we could actually see what happens during separation. This strain has been there, hasn't gone away, and has actually made things worse between us (not my intention).

He claims he's made effort with the kids, but he gives up too easy. He asks if they want to do things, they say no, he gets upset no one wants to see him, and blames the situation. It does sadden me to see their relationship suffering, but he was abusive with them too. I understand their feelings. I figure he still could have shown up at soccer games, even if no one said a word to him. At least the kids would see he still cares and is trying.

The counseling session actually went ok. At one point I did feel like the counselor was asking him about his pain and how it's affected him for my benefit, but I didn't let myself feel guilty. He asked her her views on marriage, if she thought it meant forever and you stay together no matter what and work it out. After she replied I asked him if he thought we were going to be married forever (he said yes). I then asked well how long did you think you could continue yelling, screaming, saying the things you were, and tearing apart our house and think we'd stay. Counselor even said she wanted to see more of that from me so I thought it went well.

I'm getting really tired from all this. I don't know where my line is or if it's been crossed. I know that's what's keeping me stuck.