mrwalters, if you think you can handle the emotional stress, that is great to wait this out. I would strongly suggest you do the best plan A possible, which means being as pleasant as possible. Don't talk about separation, don't lecture, don't fight, just be the best friend possible to her. When she contacts you, be very responsive and pleasant. The same thing when you see her.

If she leaves and goes back to her OM, then the last thing she will remember when you shut the door and go into Plan B is how pleasant and inviting you are.

Marriage Builders believes in 2 plans: Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is you demonstrating your very best assets. Plan B is to shut the door tightly. The worst thing you can do is what we call Plan "C," which is to give her the cold shoulder. [180 plan] Plan C is the most likely to lead to divorce because it always makes the affair partner look BETTER.

Ok. Thanks.

If you get a chance, go read the link in my signature to wifedivorcing's thread and read how he attracted his foggy wife back. His was a major bronco ride but you can see how successful he was in his plan A. It paid off for him in the end.

Wow, I read the wifedivorcing thread.
Makes me realize some of the things I had done wrong. When I found out about her affair I confronted her about it. She admitted to it and then said we will work on our marriage. for the next 3 weeks all seemed well, but she was still speaking with him everyday for hours while I was at work. She had a plan of leaving and then one day i came home and she was gone. She text messaged me that it was over. Then the next day said she didnt know what she was doing and couldnt stop crying, etc.
Its still like that. She says she is very sad, but of course she is mostly happy as well. Only sad when she thinks about me.
I should have exposed the affair right away when i found out, but I didnt and it wasn't until after she left did I tell her parents.
I know she wanted to keep it a secret, and she tried her best to hide it from her parents who were really shocked to hear about it. SHe friended him on facebook and his profile picture is the two of them together.
So I know she wants people to know, but to ask her about it when they see the picture.
I now see that this was all planned. I find it hard to believe that she could fall for someone so quickly.
But the fact remains, she is there with him and I cannot change the past so i must do the best I can for now on.
I did write her a really good plan B letter, and I did follow through with the no contact for a month, though she contacted me I just did not respond.

I realize now that most everyone who cares about us already knows.
She is trying to keep me as a backup plan. That's why she shows me her FB as the two of us together married and still living in FL, and to everyone else there is no me to be found.

I know she is hurt and confused. I realize that there is nothing I can do with her gone. When she returns it is my guess that she is getting her car and driving it back to CA.
She said that she doesnt know what she is going to do, but now I know she always has a plan. She just doesnt want to tell me because she wants me to hold on.
She still denies planning on leaving me, that it just happened. She told one of our best friends this and she called her out. Now my wife will not speak to her. It's like she is an alien and I don't know who she is anymore.
Now that I have already began plan B, and kept to it except for one day where I replied and asked her intentions I need advice on where to go.
I cant switch back into plan A right? that would appear weak.
But I need to be in plan A when she comes back home. She isn't staying with me, she must be staying with a friend I am guessing.
This is going to be really hard because I know that this is my last chance to help save it. It's impossible to speak to her through text message only. Face to face will make all the difference in the world.
She said she is not in love with him and that they are not soul mates. Though i can't imagine leaving someone you love for anything less than that so she must have some huge feelings for him. She says it was affection and conversation she was missing the most.
I don't know how I am going to do it, but somehow I must give those to her while she is here, knowing full well that she is leaving afterwards to go back to see her parents for Christmas. after, she will choose CA or here. She hasn't said this, but those are the only two choices.
I want to give her divorce papers in an envelope for when she leaves here. If she choose CA then she must open the envelope and carry out the divorce.
I know she is avoiding that. I don't want that at all. It's like she doesnt know that that is the consequence to all of this.
I do realize that the divorce strategy is the final one, and there is no going back. SO I am bouncing it off you all here to see what you think.
it worked for my friend. His wife was having an affair for months. he cut off all communication and then sent her separation papers. She then came back and started working on the marriage with him. It was a long road of 1.5 years but they are happy again.

Plan A and Plan B are not something you go in and out of. Plan B is no contact for up to 2 years and the only reason you would come out is if the WS meets your conditions. What you did was just give her the cold shoulder for awhile. I can tell you have alot of confusion still about the plans.

For now, I would stick to Plan A as we just discussed. Don't hand her divorce papers when she comes. If she leaves, as you expect, you can file for divorce and go into Plan B. But you want your last meeting with her to be a very pleasant one. No need to botch it up with divorce papers.


She wants people to know a spun version of the truth. This is why exposure is so critical. She is telling people that you have broken up and separated and in the meantime has met this nice new man! They don't know the true story which is that she is committing adultery and has left you for another man.

So I guess my question is.
Whats the best plan for now. Plan B until she shows up in town, then plan A.
or plan A and discontinue ignoring her texts/emails and be responsive to her all the way up to her coming back into town. Plan A throughout the time she is here, and then plan A while she is in AK then Plan B if she goes back to CA.

She is already texting me "I hope you have a good day" which is what she has been doing for the past month and I have not been replying.
what should I do?

Ok, so plan A still? Even though I have gave her the plan B letter early october?
I don't want to mess this up.
I am thinking it may be esier on me to plan B until she comes into town. Maybe this will make her seek me out. You are right, I am lost and because i did mess up exposure I want to be sure I do this correct.
Those that matter do know about the affair. Our best friends and family know, so maybe I did get part of that right.

I do not understand what you are doing. You clearly told me that you wanted to start Plan B AFTER her in person visit. You are not in Plan B. You have NEVER been in Plan B. All you are doing is giving her the cold shoulder, which makes the OM look good.

Stop giving her the cold shoulder. You are just making the OM look real good by giving her the cold shoulder. I assure you that HE is not giving her the cold shoulder.

You should be 100% in Plan A until you go into Plan B. You told me yesterday that you decided to go into Plan B AFTER she visits.

ok, let me try and clear up the confusion. Plan B means you send her a love letter telling her that you cannot be in contact with her until she ends her affair and meets your conditions. All communication would come through an intermediary. It is done after a thorough Plan A. It is not something you go in and out of as your moods change. You do Plan A for a while and once that is done, then you go into plan B. You don't go back and forth as your moods dictate.

You are not in Plan B and never have been. You have been in constant contact with her this whole time.

You should focus entirely on Plan A. Be as pleasant as possible and answer her texts and emails. Don't give her the cold shoulder anymore.

When she comes to town, be as pleasant as possible. Tell her this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end her affair and move home for good. Tell her that her affair is extremely painful and you won't live this way for long.

If she leaves and goes back to the OM, go into a dark Plan B [that means NO communication - NONE] and file for divorce.

Ok. Dang. I got it wrong. I figured I was in plan B since I stopped all communication, but the past couple days I responded.
Before you had said this to me I have responded a little to her. Told her that I love the old memories tht she is constantly trying to share with me, but it hurts to reminisce because of the situation and her moving on with someone else. That she is making me hold onto her while moving on with him, and that it is not fair to me.


I am trying to not give a play by play, but if I am to go from where I was which is the cold shoulder into plan A then I need to do it correctly I guess.
Normally I am quite good at this, but because there is so much emotion involved that I get it wrong.
I was considering going on antidepressants but I have been told by many that they may do more harm than good.

Another note. not trying to sound conceited or to change the subject. I am an attractive guy. Since all of this has happened a number of women have been chasing after me. It is apparent on FB which she can see, pretty much the only way she knows about my world.
I know that jealousy could be useful, but I want to be sure I dont mess that part up either. As you can see I am quite lost on my approach.
before all of this happened my world was quite easy and I am pretty naive to all of this. I'm sure I sound like a lost teenager but that is because I have never been through any of this before. I've never been cheated on. I never thought about someone else outside of my marriage, etc. This is a whole new world to me and i am trying my best to not make mistakes.
I thought my worst mistake would be to expose her affair. Turns out I was wrong and it made me suffer more than anything by waiting those weeks, hoping she would come back and no one would know.
If I had a crystal ball...

I appreciate your advice.

i can understand! But it is much easier when you are strategic rather than reactive. You now have a PLAN. You are dealing with a falling down drunk who has no plan, so that gives you a distinct advantage if you will take it.

No more cold shoulder. Work on being more pleasant than the OM.


Anti-depressants are recommended by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. AD's do not harm.


Having to compete with other women is a HUGE TURN OFF to women. That might motivate a man, but it turns a woman OFF. Besides, you are married, aren't you? How can you object to her adultery if you are doing the same thing? Step back and be a gentleman who respects and values his marriage.

I think you would get enormous benefit out of AD's. Can you call today?

Having to compete with other women is a HUGE TURN OFF to women. That might motivate a man, but it turns a woman OFF. Besides, you are married, aren't you? How can you object to her adultery if you are doing the same thing? Step back and be a gentleman who respects and values his marriage.

True. I agree with this. I will remain faithful to my marriage. That being said, she had a huge reaction to just knowing that I was going out. Told me I was supposed to be working on our marriage... So I figured that I should go out more.

I think you would get enormous benefit out of AD's. Can you call today?

I can. I have to say i have been seriously considering it. Tough I have been told they are only about 33% effective and that they will make me more prone to depression in the future. From the people that I know who have taken them they say that I should consider them last. That they either felt numb to everything or that they felt more depressed on them.
I am all for feeling better. I exercise a lot, take fish oil, and get out daily.
I am fighting this depression with everything I have.

I am afraid of negative reaction to SSRI's, etc. I really don't have anyone to help me should they backfire. I am managing now without them.

I would avoid the head games and take your marriage seriously. You are a married man and should act like it.



It doesn't seem like you are managing well at all. You are depressed and very reactive. AD's are very successful if you find the right one.

Ok. Good advice. I will stop the head games.
I will look into antidepressants as well. I am still very reluctant to take them, but I will strongly consider them.

Wow. I have been reading wifedivorcing thread. 60 pages into it.
It's like reading a soap opera.

My wife has been nothing but nice throughout it all. overly nice.
His affair seems a lot different than mine in that regard.

Do you know if wifedivorcing was on antidepressants? He seems like he handled himself quite well. Saint like. At least in the forums.
My wife has already separated and left so I have a whole other battle.
She is in a fog that is for sure. Her logic is almost comical. There are times I laugh about what she says. Most of the time it makes me really sad but maybe I should try to look at it in a different light. meds may help this. Thanks for suggesting that. I am making calls to psychiatrists. I was seeing a psychologist but he wasn't very helpful. Mostly told me to lose all hope and move on w my life. Find a distraction.
i guess that isn't bad advice all in all, but I was hoping for some magical psychology where he stated the stuff like what I am seeing in MB. An action plan.
I know that if I begin responding to her again she will be in full cakeeater mode.
Where once a day she says good morning/good night. tells me I look good in a FB picture, etc.
I havent said a single thing back to her about any of her recent pictures, etc. They all just remind me of where she is at and what she is doing. besides she probably has a ton of new pictures that she has hidden from me and is only showing me one side of it all.
I wish her parents were more supportive. Since all of this has happened they have went completely silent. Last words to me were from her mother saying they were so upset and they were all hurting over this. That she was too hurt to speak to me and she would soon. Then nothing.
It's like I lost an entire family along with this.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
I simply don't know how to be supportive and happy for her while she is over there. I tried for 2 months straight. I sent her voice memos speaking about things and answering her email questions that way. Then one day when I just couldnt take it anymore I stopped. her best friend told me that I was pushing her away, that i needed to pull back.
This guy she is with really doesnt seem like her type, but I guess i don't know anything about him.
She must have been very unhappy to have fallen into an affair.
She doesnt deny the affair. She constantly tells me she wishes she never had an affair... which makes me want to tell her to stop it then. But all i say is I wish that too and I wish we could find a way out of this.

The unfortunate thing is the more I focus on working on this the harder it is for me to be happy, and I feel that being happy is what is going to make the biggest difference.
I appreciate suggestions.

Of course you will be "unhappy" while your wife is in an affair. So unless you get a lobotomy, you have to accept reality. You won't be happy until a) she ends the affair or b) you go into Plan B. But you have decided to continue Plan A a while longer, so you need to suck it up and stick to the plan. If you can't keep to the plan, then just go into Plan B now.

I truly hope you get on AD's becuase you are all over the place.

I just wanted to note that your family doctor can prescribe ADs.

i am all over the place. But better to do it here than in life. I've kept it together through this. Never missed a day of work. Never flew off the handle. Managed to keep most of my sanity and have kept the mistakes to small ones so far.
I didn't get a chance to call psychiatrist today. I will check on a general practitioner who prescribes as well. My health insurance pays nothing until I hit the 5k mark so it is all out of pocket.
Thanks for all the advice. I feel like I have a solid plan.
Update- she told our mutual friend she wants to find a way out of the affair.
But those are words. I am realizing that.

I have called a couple psychiatrists. They are quite expensive. $300 for the first 45 minute consultation.
I'm thinking that a general practitioner will be the next best bet and more within my budget.
I probably do need some AD's. My work has been telling me to step it up and they are upset with me for not smiling and putting my "game face on"
Normally I can fake it, but somehow it just doesnt come. Will AD's help with this you think. For those of you who have taken them? Still skeptical but ready to try anything. Do any of you recommend one over another, etc.
thanks

I was very reluctant too and just about got by only because I was in Plan B. Guess what: there's no medal for being a hero and dragging out untreated pain unnecessarily.

If you're doing Plan A, not eating, sleeping, without energy - you need short term help. Adultery is more traumatic than rape and child bereavement. No, ADs are not for teenage break ups - they are for situations just like this.

Speak to a good doctor and don't sugar coat your symptoms.