How does one deal with unfaithfulness that is 'wishful' - the object of affection is in no way interested. My spouse daydreams and searches online for any possible update or picture of the person. My spouse has gone after the person, really trying to get a relationship going. This has been going on for over a year. Help.

Well, that is not an affair, it is an obsession. He can deal with it by stopping all of this behavior. Stay off the computer and stay away from her home. If he won't do that, then you should separate from him. A spouse who actively pursues an affair is dangerous to you.

How does he know this person?

They were co-workers for a short time.

MelodyLane...

Should Sunray, as the spouse of this person, offer to help her husband overcome this "obsession" and offer to help hold him accountable.

Or...should she demand accountability....meaning, she should do more than just offer it but required it like a boundary (if you intend to remain in a relationship with me....you must let me help you overcome this "obsession" or, in short course (a couple weeks or a month)...we'll need to separate".

I would encourage the poster to learn and try to get her husband enthusiastic about adopting and applying the MB program to their marriage. When you make your reality better...escaping into fantasies and obsessions isn't necessary. He should also finding opening the door to his spouse, talking about it with her and allowing himself to be accountable to his spouse just makes the fantasy shallow. It's hollows it out from the inside and when he starts down the path of thinking about KNOWING he'll have to talk to you about where his mind is going will make stopping so much easier.

Like Melody said: Stop the behavior. One form of accountability would be KNOWINGLY (with his consent) putting keyloggers on his phone and computer such that he'll know you can watch and see everything he does on line. People behave better when they know they are (or might be) being watched. If that doesn't work or help....maybe short term he switches to a flip phone with no internet access and either no computer access at all (lots of people function fine in society without having a computer), access only siting side by side with you, or some other restriction to help him overcome the urges.

The WORST thing you could do is sit silently by monitoring him but failing to discuss what you know with him and insisting on a course of action to fix things. Way to many people catch their spouses and just either say nothing OR insist the wrongdoing spouse PROVE their love by fixing it themselves. He is your spouse....help him and talk about the conflict in a constructive manner. If he refuses to make things better or work with you to fix your relationship, THEN you proceed from there and figure out what you want to do. No secrets.

Are you safe?

If you don't feel safe, disregard everything I said above. Your safety is paramount. You may need to separate for safety purposes prior to really working with him on these issues.

MB doesn't work well with couples where one of the spouses has a chemical dependency ((alcohol/drugs) or a mental illness. That dependency or mental illness has to be addressed FIRST before MB tools are effective (and even then....MB rules are sometimes difficult to apply). For example, it's very hard to POJA with a bi-polar spouse who may or may not be cycling, even just a little bit and even on medication(s), at any point in time. That being said, perhaps a bi-polar spouse can POJA that the non-mentally ill spouse can disregard POJA at any time they suspect or are uncomfortable with the POJA process due to the mental illness.

You mentioned "limerence" on your other thread which isn't a mental illness. He could simply be a wayward person (as they tend to act mentally ill) or he could truly be mentally ill. Did this woman every reciprocate with him (do you suspect he already may have cheated on you with her and now she is turning/turned away from him and his "crazy" pursuit of her? Has he ever been diagnosed or treated for a mental illness, like bi-polar???

My suggestion would be to put the keylogger on the computer without his knowledge because it would just render that resource useless if he knows it is there. If he knows it is there, he will just use something else. I would then make it so he can't be on the computer without you there. For example, you could password protect it and only you know the password. You could also place a GPS on his car so you could watch his movements.

That being said, living with a man who has actively pursued an affair with another woman for a YEAR is a very destructive environment. I would plan for separation and let him know that this can't continue.

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Is he on narcotics? If I were you, I would email Dr Harley and ask for his input. The instructions are right here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I am safe - initially it was terrifying when he stated the degree of monitoring we were under, etc., his entire countenance changed. There have been other episodes since. When I confirmed what he was doing, I contacted the object of his obsession. She categorically denied any interest, any mutual relationship and has been supportive in my effort to stop his activity. She has notified me via email often when it is apparent he has tried to contact her or left things at her door. The first time I confronted him, he denied all, said he would stop online activity, etc., but he's failed to uphold his promises on restricting his behavior/"needs". Finally, he did see a counselor, and may still be, he refuses to talk about sessions.

sunray, can you clarify what you mean by his "needs?" The big miss here is that he is still ABLE to pursue her. One of the critical elements of recovery would be to remove the means he has used. For example, he should not have access to a computer or a smart phone. If he stalked her home, I would have a GPS on his car. If he goes there again, I would strongly recommend she file a RO against him.


I would call the counselor and give him/her this back story. Did you see my post about contacting Dr Harley?

By "needs" I mean the obsession (inability or unwillingness to control urges) to see her, feel some sort of connection. She said she wouldn't hesitate to file a RO if there is need to.