Here's my story in a nutshell:
Husband and I together for 10 years before marriage and recently married for 12 years--a total of 22+ years together. We had our ups and downs like any normal couple; we'd have disagreements but always work it out. We were "that" couple--the one that others would envy. We did things together and when we talked we always said "I love you".
Fast forward to recently (April'ish) we got in an argument which blew up and I said "If you're so unhappy, leave!" Well, he did leave for the night (he slept in his car) and came home the next night and we talked. We decided that we need to prioritize our relationship; we need to stop putting work first and focus on us and we did for a while.
Fast forward to October when he came home and started an argument with me and said he feels "smothered" in our marriage. He said he needs his freedom and 2 days later he moved most of his belongings out of our home and into a friends basement. He blocked my calls and texts for the first several days but then texted that he needed to come pick up some things. We do not have children so he has no other reason to stay in touch with me other than to get things from the house or figure out finances.
Last week I convinced him to come to the house so we could talk. I didn't have an agenda, I just wanted to talk to him and try to figure this all out. I spilled my heart out to him and told him how madly in love I have always been with him. He said he's always been a loner and doesn't need anyone in his life. He's much happier alone. (Umm...hello! We've been together for 20+ years and did amazing!) I didn't argue his comments, I just asked if we could start over. He didn't say yes and he didn't say no; I took that as a sign that we would. Over the weekend, I called him here and there--again nothing about us, just basic stuff like the dogs vet appointment or a funny joke that I heard. He was accepting my calls and responded to my texts--it was working (or so I thought!!!)
Today, I emailed him and asked him if we could get together again this week to talk and he said there's nothing to talk about. He texted me at lunch time to say he was going to the house to take the dogs out for a few minutes and I called him to tell him that there were leftovers in the fridge if he'd like them. He said ok and then said he didn't feel like talking. I was at work so I asked if we could not talk about this now and he said ok. Then he texted to say he has nothing to say to me anymore and that he doesn't want to work on our marriage.

My question is this. If I know that him and I were happy and can be happy again, how do I make him work on this with me? Can I go at it alone? I want to save my marriage!

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

The first thing you need to do is rule out an affair. Your husband's behavior is very suspicious. Once you've confirmed whether or not there is an affair, you can move on to the next steps.

What kind of snooping have you done?

I don't think that he had time for an affair! We literally would go to work in the morning, we both would go to the gym after work (most days; him more than me but we go to the same gym) and we would come home. Our weekends consisted of cleaning the house, spending time together and preparing for work. I didn't ask for him to spend so much time with me, we just did!

If he is/was having an affair, it can't be much of anything because up until recently, I always knew his whereabouts.

You would be surprised how many people say that when they first come here.

You need to snoop and verify, because your next course of action is different if he is having an affair rather than if he is not. What you do next hinges on this knowledge.

After reading lots of threads on infidelity, to me his actions scream "affair". Another possibility is depression, but a depressed person would hardly be able to move so quickly.

Does he have a friendly female colleague (or minister, pedicure, diabetes nurse)?

Oh boy, you may be in for a rude awakening. Most affairs happen in the workplace and unless you are with him at work 24/7, he has PLENTY of time to carry on an affair.

DO NOT ASK him. Just quietly snoop around. Check his phone bill, email, anything you can get your hands on.

Ouch! Not the nice warm welcoming that I expected!
I'm by no means "excusing" his behavior but wow--Because he left automatically means he's having an affair?

WE didn't say he is having an affair. We asked you to investigate and find out. Spouses typically only leave for an affair so it needs to be ruled out first or nothing we tell you to do will be of effect.

Well, there's no way to snoop when he's not here. His cell phone bill is paid by his company...never seen a bill. I don't see anything suspicious on the bank accounts...I no longer have access to email but when I did, nothing!
So, let's assume either way; if he was having an affair, how can I do this alone and if he's not, how can I do this alone? We have too much vested in this marriage to just throw it all out the window.

Ok, assuming he is having an affair, the first steps would be to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so the solution is to bring it out into the open. Exposure should be done to family, close friends and the workplace authorities if a workplace affair. If the OW is married, her husband should be informed.

ONCE the affair is ended for good and extraordinary precautions are implemented, you can start working on the basic concepts to create a romantic marriage.

If he won't do those things, then you would commit to working on the marriage if he ends his affair, but separation would be warranted after 3 weeks.


If he is not, you would take an entirely different approach. You would need to sell him by assuring him you would do everything to help him create a happy, passionate marriage. You would want to learn about the program so you could show him this plan. You could also get Dr. Harley's help in persuading him. [it is free help via his radio show]

Now, the latter approach will be of no use if he is in an affair. This is why we ask people to rule out an affair first. 99% of the time, when a spouse wants to split up it is due to a hidden affair so we have to rule that out first.

A few red flags stand out. What was he complaining about? A complaint is an opportunity to improve in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. What was it that bothered him?


This is all classic affair behavior.


But he is not happy now, though, so his statement needs to be taken seriously. And I am sorry to say, I strongly suspect he is having an affair. That is not the end of the world, though. If you can find out for sure, we can very possibly help you save this.

Once I discovered my ex husband's affair, I realised that there had been a number of clues that I missed; changes in his behavior/habits/clothes. For example he suddenly started to use texting on his phone. He would start an argument and then suddenly leave for hours. Then there were some unexplained odd things like a weekend where he 'disappeared off the grid'. Strange books started to appear.

With no access to his phone or computer, what I would do in your shoes would be to spend time very, very discreetly outside 'friend's basement' to see who comes and goes in the evenings/early morning.