I've been married 21 years, very happily it seemed, rarely argued, husband fairly passive but fun. 3 years ago had a car accident, both of us had injured backs, and I recovered fully a year ago, but husband has not- no intimacy except every other month until last spring, when it improved some. Our whole marriage, he has not been very affectionate and no cuddling because he's always too hot, which includes when sleeping. I became very close to a male friend late last year, and last spring it became romantic. Husband moved out for 2 months and friend moved in. I am surprised that I am doing this, feel like I'm in a fog at times, but love the OM intensely. He is very affectionate, get along great. He is single. I am older than OM, too. My husband moved back in, OM moved out due to logistics, not reconciliation. I am so torn- feelings are very deep w OM, and yet still love husband. OM wants me to divorce and marry him. Husband wants me to stay and work it out, but still unaffectionate even tho I told him I need that. Went to a marriage counselor 4 times, and she said I must break off forever w OM- I can't do that- I wish I knew someone who has been in this same spot before to talk to. I hate the pain I have caused both. I love both, tho differently, and love husband less. I cannot walk away from OM. I am so surprised by how I am living right now, and the choices I have made- would never have pictured myself in this spot. If I don't want to stop my relationship with OM, is it possible to change my thinking and let go of OM to save the marriage? and if so, am I just going back to very little affection? I don't think I can live like that.

Can you send your husband here to speak to us?

I haven't been in exactly the same spot as you. But I have been surprised by my feelings once too. I discovered my "boyfriend" was married and after the initial shock and disgust, I found myself craving for him and being very tempted to reconnect and have an affair.

Feelings that contradict your morals are quite common when you fall in love. It is like knowing you shouldn't have Ben & Jerry's for breakfast if you want to keep your body in shape. But it feels good when you eat it...

The more ice cream you eat, the harder it will be to lose the weight again. The more you give in to this toxic addiction, the harder it will be to let go and recover and the more damage will it do.

I struggled for a long time getting over my ex-"boyfriend", luckily I never gave in to my desire to reconnect. It took a long time to see the memories of beautiful moments we had for what they really were: toxic and damaging.

You are not here to ask how to continue your affair. Are you asking for support to stop the affair and recover your marriage? It is possible to overcome the affair and have a happy marriage with your husband and there is no better place to find directions than on marriagebuilders.

What struck me was this thread of a woman who married her affair partner. Thanks to her story, I could see what I escaped from when I cut contact with my ex. Maybe it will give you the support to do what you need to do.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478315

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