I've been lurking around the forums for a while, and thought I'd ask for some advice.

My husband and I have been married 19 years and our relationship is more like roommates than a marriage. We don't seem to have much in common any longer, rarely talk about important topics and don't spend much time doing things together.

I read the book His Needs, Her Needs and asked him to read it, with the idea that we could figure out what each of us wanted and try to fulfill those needs and maybe we could feel love again. He's reading through the book slowly but so far his only comments have been joking or negative.

I told him that I felt more like his personal assistant or mother than his wife (we haven't been intimate in 17 years). He said he liked the way things were.

I think the main issue for me is that when we first got together a strong need of mine was for financial support. But now I have a decent job and make enough money to support myself so that need isn't as strong. I'm very lonely and crave recreational companionship but either end up doing things with my sister or alone because he is usually busy working.

He is self-employed and works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. In the evening he works in his home office until an hour before bed time, then we watch TV. On Sundays after church, he either looks at upcoming jobs, works around the house or in his office (or falls asleep in his chair).

I was hoping that as we got older he'd be able to slow down and spend more time with me but came to realize that he wants to continue as he is until he is physically unable to work any longer.

He's a good man and I know he cares for me, even if he doesn't love me, but I need more than this. I know he has a strong need for domestic support and I do make his breakfasts, lunches and dinners and take care of the pets, laundry, etc. But I feel as though I've spent my entire adult life taking care of others and no one has ever taken care of me and I have nothing left to give.

I know this post is all over the place but does anyone have any suggestions for me?

Step one is to investigate his life enough that he could not possibly be having an affair. I'd say that's especially important if he has not had sex with you in 17 years (if I'm reading right). This program will not work without that step.

How old is your husband?

59 (and suffers from depression/is on medication)

I almost wish he was, that would make my decision much easier.
But I don't think that's the case, for the following reasons:
We didn't have sex much even when we were dating
He works in construction, so he comes home dirty and sweaty which I don't think would be helpful in attracting women.
Whenever I've used the Find my Friends app to track his phone, he's been at an address where we have an active jobsite.
I haven't see any physical signs that he is able to perform sexually in many years (like a morning erection)
My first husband cheated on me, so I'm open to the idea that it could happen and think I would recognize the signs again.

But just to be sure, I'll check the forums for steps to investigate his life.

Hi Katarina;
Just wanted to welcome you to the MB forum. You have landed in the exact right place to learn to change your marriage, and it IS possible to have a fulfilling, romantic, passionate marriage using the MB program.

I know when I was on lexapro it deadened my sexual desire, that along with age could have something to do with that function.

Thanks for the warm welcome, catwhit!

I thought that might have something to do with it. The lack of sex isn't really my biggest issue, it's the lack of any closeness at all that hurts.

Do you know if he is looking at porn?

Also I am assuming that you do not have any kids?

My spouse is still in complete withdrawal from me as I messed things up pretty good, and not participating in the MB program. I'm just hoping if I give some space and time this will change........

Katy, why not start your own thread, and tell us what happened? What did you mess up?

Too many Love Busters bad habits (drinking) , not giving enough
affection.....spouse is untrusting now which I understand and wants nothing to do with the bedroom....

I doubt it. Not at home, because our internet connection is too slow to load video and anyway, he's not home when I'm not there.
And I don't think he'd take time out of working to go to an adult store, plus he drives a dump truck to work so he'd have to find somewhere with a big enough parking lot.

Other than making off-color comments, I don't think he has any interest in sex or maybe he has interest but no ability?

I have two grown children from my first marriage. Both are independent and neither live at home (and haven't for years) so I don't think that's affecting our marriage.

When was the last time he has had his testosterone level checked?

I think we've just about discussed sex to death now. It doesn't seem to be the primary thing you are missing in your marriage, so other than noting that we definitely all thing you should investigate closely and make sure he doesn't have a relationship with another woman, and become so integrated with him that this is impossible, let's talk about some other important things that Dr. Harley usually advises for women in your situation.

You've already done one of the important things Dr. Harley recommends: tell your husband you need this from him. Some husbands or wives respond to this by not taking it seriously at all. (In fact Dr. Harley had one client give a letter about it to her husband and he simply tore up the letter and threw it away.) In cases like this, Dr. Harley advises the wife to begin preparing for a separation. You don't threaten to separate or even speak to him about it, but you start lining things up so that you can separate.

You can read more about this here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html

Thanks, markos. We've both read His Needs, Her Needs and I've completed the questionnaire. I've given him the questionnaire as well but he hasn't completed it yet. I'll ask him if he will do so this weekend so that we can discuss them.

My husband and I finally briefly discussed the lack of time we spend together. He said that he knows that the amount of time he spends working isn't fair for either of us and that he realizes I didn't marry him so that I could spend all my time alone. But (we all knew there would be a 'but', didn't we?) the business he's in (excavation) requires a lot of money spent on equipment and maintaining that equipment and he has to work a lot of hours to make enough money.

However, since I keep the books I know that we are debt-free and have a healthy savings, so that is just his rationalization to himself, in my opinion.

I can't really see how things will change and I'm tired of all aspects of our lives (our 'free' time, vacations, where we live, etc.) being dictated by the so-called needs of the business.

Do I even bother with Plan A, or should I just maintain my withdrawal and start preparing to separate? I should mention that he has been spending a little more time with me (we went shopping for a Christmas tree last week) but we're not exactly doing date-type activities.