Have you told your job (as well as all exposure targets!) so people can help you?

Whenever a person gets betrayed lots of cockroaches go after the crumbs of the vulnerable marriage.

Get off Facebook if you don't know how to avoid cretins. Regardless of the future of your marriage - these women are not 'friends'. Chasing a married man online! Ugh.

I agree with you indie. I was surprised to see how it works like that.
I deleted FB from my phone, mostly so I don't have to see pictures that she posts in CA. She has not posted any with him that I can see. She is keeping all that secretive. However, the people that matter know. She absolutely did not want her parents to know, and they do. They are offering absolutely no help either way and are staying neutral.
her dad finally text messaged me yesterday after 3 months of no contact, asking how I was and to take care of myself.
This has all been a huge eye opener for me. It feels like everything in my world is crumbling and I'm still not at the rock bottom of it all yet.
I started a new job to be with her more often down here. 4 days after starting is when she left. The management has been asking me to step it up and if I like working here. They know the situation but are not sympathetic to it, at least not anymore. I don't talk about it with coworkers.
I have made a close female friend after all of this started. I realize that is not the route I need to be taking, and that it is literally the same thing my wife did and then it developed into an affair. I do not have romantic feelings for her, but we do go out all the time on bike rides, etc.
Unfortunately without her friendship I really have no one to count on down here, I will quite literally be alone.
I know the advice you all will give. Lose the female friend.
It makes me realize how hard this will be for my wife to do, as she has fallen for this guy, and I have not fallen for anyone but rather just seek to not be lonely and have someone to speak to. This will be hard for me, I will need to force myself back to square one and be alone knowing that I have everything to lose.
This is going to be tough. Lose the only friend I have and wait it out.
My wife told our mutual friend the other day that I was the love of her life. This just doesnt make sense.

I have a little over 2 weeks to prepare for her visit right after this thanksgiving.
I am so anxious. I feel like I will need to have everything just right and in order. I have been listening to MB audiobooks and also the book if only he knew.
I was also recommended the book "not just friends".

Listening to these books gives me so much anxiety because I know I am up against so much, and that all i can really do is try my best to pretend to be happy, not love bust, and dont show my weakness.
I don't know how I am going to do it, but I must.
As far as AD's, if I go the route of a general practitioner they will probably just give me a script and send me out the door. I will be putting my brain health in jeopardy, but if it gives me the edge I need to get through this than I am all for it.
Are there any specific AD's that you all have tried that in your experience are better than others, so I have something to go off of when i talk to the doc.

You are already foggy if you think the friendship of this woman is that important. There are men at your work. Ask if any of them ride bikes. If not, look on line for a men's cycling group (or a pick up game at the Y or whatever.) but get away from this woman!

I agree with you. It sure didn't take long. I will follow your advice. This is going to be tough. I had already stopped speaking with her before for a week or so, spent my birthday completely alone. Then when my wife decided to head back to CA again i started speaking w this girl again. Figured all was lost.
None of my coworkers do anything I am into, but I can find other outlets I am sure. I have been on meetup and do beach volleyball and yoga. I will need to concentrate more on those activities and the beach.
Speaking of long ago when I was single. I always waited around for an ex. It never worked. it wasn't until I began another relationship did they want to come back.
I realize that this is a marriage.
It was so easy before when everything was black and white. We were together, and when we were apart there was no one else.
Now that she has someone else it sure does make me feel extra lonely.

Dr. Harley recommends Wellbutrin.

So I went to a GP yesterday. He prescribed me Wellbutrin and an anxiety medication which I cannot remember the name of. I have not yet picked them up so I will find that out later. I have only done a little reading on the anxiety medications. Doesnt sound like something I want to be taking.
Text messaged with wife yesterday. She will be here at the end of the month. I try to stay away from any talk about the relationship and the affair. It is very hard to do. I know I need to not love bust, also very hard.
She says she misses me terribly, etc. Can't imagine a future without me.
Its hard to hear all of that because I know that once she is here she can still say all of that and still leave to go be with him.
Hoping the AD will help me stay calm in the face of all of that, maybe help bring me back to me.
This is something I never thought I'd have to go through. The holding on part is the hardest.
I have a lot of empathy for others who have gone through all of this now.
What do you all think of the AD+ anxiety medicine together. Any experience with this?

RC is one of the easiest ways to fall in love.You could wake up any day now in love with two women and in double the pain you're in now. Most women have the common sense and decency to stay away from a marriage in freefall. Beware of all others. STAY AWAY.

This is not just a marriage saver it's a you saver. Delete her number and join some groups

I appreciate the advice Indie. You are correct. Before I was married I was in a long term relationship that ended, after it ended I was in another relationship too quickly and it took over a year to get over the pain. I was in constant pain from being in love with two people. I am very aware of what that is like and am avoiding it now. The shock of the affair and her leaving made me want to latch onto someone. Luckily I can think a bit more clearly now and I do realize that this friendship will lead no where good for me.
I am fortunate to have a lot of work hours through this. I have joined groups and will continue to do those.

After reading many of these stories my story differs significantly on how my wife has been behaving. She is not mean. She wants to help out as much as she can. She isn't hiding the affair from her parents or close friends anymore. She tells me she wishes she never had the affair but at the same time is not stopping it. She tells me I am the love of her life and she cant imagine a future without me..
I really am lost on what to do. I sure do hope these AD's help me to focus on something else. I spend hours a day reading about affairs. Hoping I can break some sort of code that will make it all make sense.
After reading about the anxiety drug buspar I don't think I will be trying that unless absolutely necessary. Other than the affair I like to think I am pretty level headed.
Her main complaint was that I was mean/judgmental of her weight, that I did not show her affection.
I doubt she will ever bring up the subject of divorce. Do you think that I should never bring it up either? it's like she is pretending that none of this is happening.

Believe me, your story is not different at all. The affair is just further along than most and your wife wants to keep you around as her "friend" while her affair falls apart. Her affair is not working out [as most don't] so you sort of serve to soothe her while her affair is rocky. In many ways you are propping up the affair because without you, her life would be intolerable. The OM is a rat who can't possibly meet all her needs, so needs you to fill in the gaps.


I thought we had discussed a plan? Are you able to follow a plan? I am concerned that you cannot. There are no magic fairy words and there is no "code." Unless you know of some magic words that will get through to a falling down drunk. I sure don't.


I wonder, did you read any of my posts?

I thought this was the plan we worked out? Has that changed?

I am able to follow a plan.
You are right. I shouldn't bring up divorce. I was hoping it would jolt her into reality.
What do you think about legal separation papers then? Those just as bad?
I appreciate your advice.
i do want to save the marriage. I also want to save my sanity.
I am on ad's now so that is one thing I have got out of this forum that I was on the fence about.
I realize I question a lot. But if I don't question then it means that I also don't have answers.
I feel that if I plan b since the day she left than her affair would have been over.
I'm hoping these ad's will level me out so I can continue life without every thought being about her.

So if she leaves I go into dark plan b. And I file right away or wait until later?

Can you please read my post? Thanks.

I am now taking the AD and am hoping that it will help give me some clarity where I don't focus my every thought on the affair and what she is doing.
I need to get to a strong place so that when she does return in 2 weeks and wants to talk I can do it.

Before the affair I was not like this at all, I was a much stronger.
I have began going back to the gym. It is amazing how good I feel after working out.

You were right about my girl-friend. I do have feelings for her. Not romantic feelings but I will miss the friendship, conversation, and someone being there for me.
I have been thinking a lot about where that would be heading. How that I am basically in a relationship with her because I cannot face to be alone after my wife left. I have spoken to her about what I intend on doing and whether my wife comes back or not we cannot continue seeing each other.
Without her companionship I will no longer have a distraction from my situation, and that will force me to act on something else. Maybe I will be more active in the church, or find something else.
My friend was replacing what I was missing with my wife after she left. Probably no different than my wife replacing me with another man during our marriage from what she was missing from me.


So what do I do to stop propping her up? I really hope you are right and her affair is crumbling. However she will be apart from him for a couple weeks for the holidays and I fear that this will rekindle the affair and she will return to him in CA.
I will plan A her from now until she goes back to him in CA.

The reason that 95% of affairs don't last is because the traits that made them possible, selfishness, deceit, thoughtlessness, eventually poison the affair. Just ask yourself what kind of man would take up with a married woman. A selfish RAT who has no respect for faithfulness, that is who. He denigrates her in every way just by virtue of his relationship with her.

So when the gloss and fantasy wears off when reality intrudes, there will be nothing there to hold up the affair. It will fall apart quickly. The OM will not meet her needs as well as you did.

It is because of this dynamic that she is reaching out to you. She is addicted to the OM but he doesn't do a good job of meeting her needs, so she reaches out to you. It is in that way, that you prop up the affair. You make it easier for her to stay with the OM and feed her addiction because the unmet needs in her affair are not so noticeable. But when you go into Plan B, it will become very noticeable.

Did you read the book, Survivng an Affair? The story of Sue and Jon explains this aspect well. Sue's affair fell apart quickly after he went into Plan B.

I am mostly through the book. 2 more cd's left.
Your words do give me some hope. I realize that many affairs end marriages, and quite honestly I don't know how we can get back to our life after this. But I am willing to try.

I started taking the ADs yesterday. They said it will take weeks before I feel anything. It may be placebo effect but I do feel different. I have a headache that hasnt stopped since yesterday. Not too worried about that.
But if I continue to feel like this than I am certain that I can do a whole lot more for my circumstances.
I've always regarded depression as something that weak minded people get into.
I did send her a txt yesterday saying she looked cute in a picture. Thats the first time I've done something like after she left.
I do see the logic in the plan A and plan B. I wish I would have been following it all along. I have been doing a decent plan A up to October. The last month was cold shoulder, Which quite honestly may not have been entirely bad.
I will plan A her to death when she is in town. Plan A her while she is with family in AK.
I will plan A her all the way up until the very last second she is going to CA. Knowing that this is my best strategy. Then plan B. I may delete facebook as well for that plan. I have not been on it in a week. It was a huge source of my anxiety watching her life unfold with him online.
I could see how that would destroy my remaining love for her during plan B.

Now I know I have asked this already, but I'd like some idea on an answer with numbers.
Between plan A and B and reconciliation. What percentage of couples make it to reconciliation with this approach. Like greater than 10%, 75%, etc
It won't change what I will be doing. It would be nice to have some clue on the overall effectiveness.
I used to think that an affair would 100% lead me into a divorce. Now i know I am willing to fight for my marriage.

I have to guess here, but I would give it about 20% because this has gone so far with no real plan. It is like untreated cancer, the longer it goes untreated, the less chance of survival. When an affair is attacked early, it is about 50/50 with a comprehensive exposure. When it is not, the damage is much greater and much harder to overcome.

Even so, the odds are in your favor because 95% of affairs end in less than 2 years, 65% of marriages do not end in divorce from affairs.

Plan B is intended to protect you and prepare for divorce in case the affair does not end. When you go into Plan B, you will detach emotionally from your wife and be in a better position to divorce if her affair does not die. And if her affair does die, you will be emotionally sound.

Here are some quotes from Dr Harley:

I did attack it early. I did plan A for all of June , even before I knew that the affair was happening. All through July after d day. After she left I plan A in August and sept. October is when I gave cold shoulder- which was a few replies.
Now I am back in plan A.
At least I got a good portion of it correct, and without any guidance. That was all me.
I have to say. The Wellbutrin is doing something. That or placebo effect. I feel like I am back to my old self. I'm ok being alone today, ok without a constant plan to do something. No crying. No constantly worrying what the future will be.
I feel like I did before the affair. At least for today. And that has not happened once even for 5 minutes since last May.
I even went out and got my first tattoo. A sparrow representing her. Either flying away or flying back.