Hello all!
Just joined the forum and this is my first post. A little history: I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. She was my first everything. We had our first son at 19 and have had 3 more sons since then. 15 years later, we are married and currently in the process of getting a divorce. I had an affair during nursing school with an administrator that she found out about in 2009. We were not having much sex at the time and became somewhat distant and I've never had attention from another woman. Bad decision #1. I asked for marriage counseling so that it wouldn't happen again but she declined. Fast forward to 2013, I had a new manager start at my old job. I told her that I was married with 3 children. She too told me that she was married with children but it didn't stop us. It was emotional and physical affair. I almost left my pregnant wife for her. Decided against it and wanted to stay with my wife. We worked through it. I suggested marriage counseling again but she refused again. I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing and how we could better the marriage. Recently, she found out that I have been texting and calling the same lady from 2013 for a year now and that we slept together once 4 months ago. She now wants to get a divorce. I know that I can change and even went as far as getting counseling for myself to see why I am doing this and what my triggers are. I will keep everything open for her and be all that I can be for her. She also found out that I have been talking to an escort, who I did not have sex with but did have intentions to do it one night but decided against it. I don't know what to do. I am giving her space. She's adamant about the divorce but has no job or transportation. I need advice.

I LDG, welcome to Marriage Builders! I support your wife's decision to get divorced. Living with a serial cheater who won't change is dangerous to one's health. I can only hope your wife got STD testing due to your promiscous, inexcusable behavior.

Did you move out of your home?

You did what you did because you a) have pisspoor boundaries around women and b) had the opportunity. You don't need "counseling" to know this; you need to stop destructive behavior. What you needed was a new environment where you would be held accountable 24/7. If you were with your wife all day and night, for example, you wouldn't be having affairs.

Your wife shouldn't even consider staying with you unless you make radical changes in your lifestyle and can be held accountable 24/7. You are not safe otherwise. Nor can you blame your wife anymore for your poor choices. There is alot of BLAME the victim in your post. That means you don't take accountability.

Will your wife come here and speak to us?

The above comments are known as blaming the victim. Are you trying to say that "counseling" would have prevented you from trolling for action? And your wife prevented you from getting this magic counseling that would make you stop against your will?

Let me assure you that all the "counseling" in the world will not stop someone from doing something against their will. You did not fall into these affairs by "accident" like most cheaters; you were out actively TROLLING for action. You did this despite the fact that you KNEW how much it hurt your wife. YOU KNEW.

Your wife is wise to get a divorce.

I spoke to Dr Harley on the radio show about my serial cheating husband (at the time) who is also in the nursing profession - while I was trying to decide whether I should go into Plan B/D. And I can tell you what he would tell you, based on what he told me about my ex-WH.

First of all, counseling isn't going to help you change your behavior. You are a serial cheater because of your lifestyle and because you like getting your needs met outside of marriage - it feels good and frankly, that is more important to you (feeling good about yourself) than protecting your BW and your M.

Dr Harley would not counsel you on how to change your behavior but instead would tell your BW that the only way to affair-proof your M would be for you to quit your job/change your profession and to probably work at home with her where she could keep her eyes on you the entire time - or some other position where you had full accountability away from women. You probably cannot have unfettered access to the internet as well since you use that as an avenue to pursue affairs as well.

Even under those circumstance (creating a lifestyle where you have ZERO opportunity to stray), I can tell you from my own personal experience that it will be difficult for you wife to want to meet your ENs for a very long time and that on top of your multiple offenses will make recovery extremely difficult.

I hope what you meant by giving your BW "space" is that you moved out so. I can at least say that my ex-husband gave that to me and voluntairly moved in with his parents.

Because living under the same roof as him after yet another d-day would have really wrecked my mental health and well-being.

I have had std testing and hiv testing and they came back clean. This was after the last get together. I did not move out because she doesn't want me to. I will be asking her again.

After these few posts, I should be blaming myself more than i already am. She did nothing wrong. She is an incredible wife and mother to our kids. She deserves better and will get better. Thanks for the replies.

Has SHE had STD testing? She needs to get tested herself. So she wants a divorce but doesn't want you to move? I don't understand.

If you want to have any chance of saving your marriage, it will take a radical change in your lifestyle. Did you read Susie's post? If you can't make the changes she mentioned, then you shouldn't even consider being married to anyone because you are dangerous. You don't have the necessary boundaries to be a married person.

I don't understand either. I asked and she has given me different reasons each time.

When I wrote that she would have better I didn't mean with me. It's too late to save this marriage that I destroyed. She will find another person to treat her better. To treat her how I should've treated her. I will seek counseling for myself to stop these behaviors. I am dangerous and need to hold myself accountable for stupidity. She will be having std testing soon. What can I do to better myself and not make this mistake again?

The easiest way not to make this mistake again is to just not marry. Don't take vows promising fidelity that you know you can't really promise.


Go to church. Repent and work on building a vertical relationship with God. After years of a successful relationship with Him...perhaps, He can guide you to emotional health and help you become a better person.

While focusing solely on God and NOT dating or involving other women (or prostitutes) in your life (living abstinent) you will be able to focus on your children and paying your child support. The odds are stacked against children of divorce. The are more likely to drop out, end up in prison and/or on drugs, etc. You can better those odds by being a focused and committed parent to the extent your wife and the court allows, giving your ex-wife the safety of emotional distance from you and not putting yourself before them and God.

There is also the possibility that if you do this over the course of several years....live an abstinent lifestyle focused solely on your children and supporting them emotionally and financial....maybe in a few years, your ex-wife MIGHT decide to give you and her another chance and you can implement the MB plan without even having to go to a marriage counselor. Regardless...at least, YOU can become a man that can look himself in the mirror again.

You are not a victim. You are not a sex addict. You chose this life and right now you are an abusive spouse/person right now.