Hello to all. This site and message forum has been a blessing t me today. It is already feeling like the life-line I so desperately need.

There is so much I could say, but the bottom line is that I KNOW I made a big error in marrying my husband in the first place. We have been together for 5 years, married for 1.5, and NEVER did he fulfill any of my emotional needs (well, except for during lovemaking, when he would express the most tender and intimate of feelings to me). He is extremely closed off- he doesn't even admit or understand his own emotional needs, let alone those of any one else. If it weren't so sad, it is almost funny the tactics he uses to avoid expressions of anyone's emotions. He is very good at his job which is ALL with cold hard machinery. If there is a dial or switch or gauge that needs to be adjusted to fix a problem, he is your man. However, with the human heart and mind, he is no use. Even worse, he treats me as if I am a machine, and is baffled by how all I want is him to enter into my feelings with me and show that he cares. It's the age-old "men just want to fix things" dilemma, but it is to the extreme because he stands by his approach and actually poo-poos the feelings part if anything.

I am literally dying on the inside from lack of emotional attachment. I have NO hope that this will change. And, why did I even marry him? I knew this full well about him- which he points out all the time to me, telling me that I shouldn't expect him to change who he is. I am so angry at myself for not ending the relationship, and spend a very unhealthy amount of emotional energy regretting my decision to stay with him.

My husband never really wanted a wife and family. He lived a life of the quintessential bachelor until he was 30 and got a one-night-stand woman pregnant. He is a very honorable man, always wanting to do the right thing, so he pursued a relationship with the woman in order to give the twins they had conceived a family. They stayed together for 3 years until he gave up on her repeated infidelity.

I now understand that her infidelity probably had VERY much to do with his emotional neglect. The only reason I haven't sought out the comfort of another man is because I did that in a past marriage and I know it is a dead-end road. No good would come of it.

My husband only halfheartedly pursued me while we were dating. He made comments about wanting to get married, but didn't eventually propose to me until I waited two years and gave him an ultimatum. I have a VERY deep-seated belief that he only continued the relationship with me because his kids immediately loved me and I them, and he wanted the best for them. This is the only explanation I can come up with for all his independent behaviors and zero need for emotional connection. After 5 years together, he knows less about me and my feelings, my past, my dreams, etc... than the casual acquaintances I have at work. I'm not exaggerating. It's as though there's something wrong with him. All my thoughts are negative, and the Angry Outburst these negative and desperate feelings have caused me direct at him are out of control.

My husband would be happy if I just left him alone. Honestly, he wouldn't even notice if we had NO quality time ever. He's still that same bachelor at heart, and I'm at a 100% loss.

sm, you and your husband have both been married before and you've had a chance to see several things that don't work in marriage. Infidelity is obviously a dead end road.

The fact is any marriage that doesn't work according to these concepts is on a dead end road. A minority of marriages succeed because this is the only way to make a marriage work and a minority of marriages do it this way.

I would print out those concepts and present them to your husband and see if he will agree to start following them. The most important concept is the policy of undivided attention.

If your husband will start following these principles, your feelings toward him will change and your marriage will be saved.

If he will not, I would start preparing for a separation from him. Come back here and let us know either way, and we can help you with next steps.

Thank you, markos.

I have spent almost all day reading the concepts, downloading app and listening to radio show, and even ordered a copy of Love-Busters. It is powerful stuff and does give me some hope.

Of course, I only touched the tip of the iceberg on my first posts. The AO on both of our parts have become borderline abusive, and my mind and mouth is so full of disrespectful judgements about him that it's all I can think about. I almost literally hate him. I get so desperate that I got myself into another impossible marriage with a horrible man that I really lose control if the kids aren't around. We've both slammed and broken things, and I even inflicted some harm to myself. I went to doctor and fully disclosed and was given meds to help calm myself when it gets really bad. Funny thing is that I'm not a crazy person. I'm a well-respected business owner in my community and people would be shocked if they knew what went on.

So much of all this is my doing, and I do feel bad for the pain he is in. What I'd really like to do is go stay with my parents who live only one minute away for a few days. It would feel so good to be able to breathe. But, between all the myriad of obligations with our 4 combined children, I would really be letting my husband down in the support he really desires and needs. And it would be real confusing for the kids to not have me home.

So, is it too soon to actually ask him to read the principles and concepts of MB? It feels as though there should be some peace where I don't ask anything from him. He's very angry and acting like a petulant child, slamming doors and saying hurtful things to me on purpose, very passive-aggressive stuff. I have NO RESPECT for passive-aggressiveness. It really is to the point where I hate him.

Hate is more a reflection of my inability to cope than it is of his behavior, so would it be best if I just focus on stopping my AO and DJ before I start presenting stuff to him?

Also, does MB work even when the marriage is two good people who really never should have gotten married, who are not at all emotionally compatible?

I would ask him today to read this article and ask if he will go through this program with you. He would greatly benefit from this program: Creating a Plan to Restore Love and Resolve Conflicts

If he won't, then you should start planning to separate using the guidelines outlined in When to call it Quits: When to Call It Quits - Part 1



Compatibility is created and we can show you how to do that. You and your H can learn habits that will create romantic love and create compatibility.

Did you live together before you got married?

No, it is not at all too soon to print out the concepts and ask him if he is willing to live by them or not. The sooner the better!

Let us know what he says and we will help you with the next steps.

Marriage Builders can restore romantic love, or create romantic love if it never existed.

No, we did not live together before marriage. And thankfully neither of us had any involvement in th break up of previous marriages. We didn't even know each other then.

I am going to share the principles with him rite now. I'm extremely nervous.

Hang in there, sophie. Whether he says "yes," or "no," this is the first step toward a better life for you.

Let us know what he says, and we will help you with the next steps.