The success of Plan A is contingent upon a) a comprehensive, immediate exposure and b) consistent behavior. It doesn't mean erratic behavior.

Even so, you do have a small chance of recovery if you can stick to a plan. I am relieved you are on AD's so you can do a better job of controlling your emotions. That gives you a much better chance!

Well. I'm in it no matter what.
Not until I started taking AD's did I ever start considering myself.
These past couple days I have been concentrating on things other than the affair and her.
That being said. For the first time I am starting to truly question if after what she has done is it worth chasing after her.
I still plan on doing plan A.
But this is the first time that I ever thought about what she did and what all that means.
I was concentrating on saving the marriage so much that I never gave any thought to how bad it hurt me.

This whole texting back and forth like nothing is wrong seems backwards. I liked it better when I just ignored her.
I really want to ask her questions. The big ones. But instead we make small talk.
It feels like I am enabling her.
Is there a better way?

The goal of Plan A is to put your best foot forward and make yourself attractive. A big piece of that is having conversations with her. You should welcome the opportunity to have small talk with her. Just be as pleasant and inviting as possible.

Feelings are not truth. You have a strategic PLAN here, so put aside your feelings and follow it.

I'm going to have to figure out how to not love bust. I was really good at it when she was here and we were working on things. Now that she only texts and completely ignores anything that she doesn't want to acknowledge I am very tired of it.
We don't have one single meaningful conversation. When I stopped communicating with her she reached out every day saying she hoped I had a good day. Missed me. Etc.
but this small talk. Talk about things that do not matter...
It feels like I am losing part of me doing it.
She walked all over me and I am choosing to ignore it.
Is this really what it takes.

You are being very reactionary instead of strategic. Can you be pleasant and attractive or not? If you can't follow a plan, I would strongly suggest you go into Plan B NOW because if you are lovebusting her, you are just making the OM look better. Are you on the OM's side? Is it your goal to make him look good?

For real? Do you think lovebusting helps your plan in any way? Ask yourself who lovebusting helps? Does it help you? Or does it help the OM?

Wow, that is so disrespectful to her. SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS. But you put down her needs as "things that do not matter."

I guarantee you it DOES matter. AND OM is very pleasant to talk to about such things ...

I bet she will be REAL TURNED on by a guy who thinks her small talk is about "things that do not matter." Have you found this to be a good way to attract women?

By all means do not ignore it!! Tell her off!! Put her in her place!! Women love that!

Yes. It is pretty hard to make small talk with my wife over text messaging. It has followed the same pattern for months. She asks me something small. I answer it. It goes back and forth for a few minutes until she gets what she wants out of it. If it gets to something that she doesn't want to talk about she glosses over it and expects me to let it go. It's been her way the entire time.
I know love busting makes the OM look good. So I have to pretend to be happy go lucky while she has her affair. Otherwise I make him look good.
You are right I should go into plan B. But she is coming into town in 2 weeks. She won't tell me why.
Anytime she doesn't say and glosses over something it's because she is being deceitful.
She is not living in reality. I finally told her that if she doesn't want to cheat on me that she will need to not be married to me.
I realize that is probably not the correct thing to do. But it seems so obvious to me.
I know this forum is all about saving marriages. And that was all I wanted to do. But I am the only one. She is the one who has chosen an affair.
She acts like she doesn't know what she wants. But all of her choices point her towards the affair.
She knows that she could hold me down while she had her affair by trying to give me hope or by acting like she wasn't sure about what she was doing.
Yes I am mad about it.
I know I could just agree with you and that would be that. But I am speaking the truth on what is happening and how I feel about it.
Yes. It is really hrs to not love bust. I'd think anyone would feel the same way when their spouse is cheating. It's hard to not be angry in the face of that. No one can go on pretending forever that it is ok.

Looking back I should have plan B the second she left. I would have saved myself from all of this pain. But I tried really hard to understand how she could have done this. And she also knew she could put her thumb on me and make me wait around for her while she could literally did anything she wanted.

I'm venting.
I'm so tired of this affair.

No one is asking you not to be upset about it. That is not what we have told you. Of course you will be upset; you shouldn't take it out on her if you are in Plan A. We are trying to help you be smart about it instead of reactionary. *YOU* told me you wanted to be in Plan A for a few more weeks. That means that you do your best to attract her back. Lovebusting and arguing with her does not attract her back. It just makes the OM look good.

If you want to be in Plan A, then you should focus on being pleasant instead of unpleasant.

I understand. I am at my wits end.
I have reread what I sent her a few times. It wasn't nice but it also was truthful. There were some lovebusters in there, and I probably could not have said what I did without them.
I let her know what she had done to me, my health, our families. I told her she was living a double life and I was not accepting it anymore with stride. I told her she was having an affair, and she blamed me. I said I take responsibility for my part but it is your affair.
I have learned a lot in the wifedivorcing thread. That guy went through hell.
The one thing I regret is saying that if she does not want to have an affair then she needs to end the marriage and go back to him with her maiden name.
But I said my heart and mind.
I can't believe that I finally let it out. 3 months of babying her, enabling her. Allowing her to act like she doesnt know what to do.
I'm not going to contact her, I will wait for her to contact me. I am also not going to allow the text messaging to go on. That all started during the affair and needs to stop. I will let her know we need to talk on the phone. I feel like I am enabling her with the constant text messaging. It is so impersonal and she gets to lie that way.
I really feel like she needs to know that the marriage is on the line by the affair.
I am near certain that if I go into plan B when she goes back to CA it will be the end for me. I'm already falling out of love with her. I was trying to hold on but now that I have my wits back I don't know why.
Before taking any AD's I was in such misery that I couldnt imagine a life without her. Now I can't imagine her being any different.
She said she is sorry for the affair and it is her biggest mistake. I told her she can't be sorry for something she is currently doing. It doesn't work that way.
Mixed in with about 100 text messages i let her know that I understood that she was lost. I let her know that I was still reading and working on me everyday.
What brought it all up was her commenting on a photo from this Halloween where a girl was posing in a picture with me. She accused me of being with her. That really got me going. Her being in her affair accusing me...
so I said i wouldnt touch her, besides I am still married.
I probably have a whole lot to learn. I also know that it is my taker that comes out and levels the playing field after holding onto everything for so long. i was so depressed I couldnt even voice my heartache.
If anything positive comes out of it she knows i have my backbone again. If she leaves then she was already gone, this conversation didnt end it. her affair and everything that lead up to it did.
i know everything is fragile right now, as explained in surviving an affair. I have to say that I am scared of losing her. But she also has to be scared of losing me too. Otherwise she will push me around to no end.

also. looking back on it.
She was never responsive to plan A. it made me appear weak. She kept telling me that I was trying to win her back and that I'd say and do anything to get her back.
Only when she felt like she was going to lose me did she attempt to even consider stopping the affair.
When she even thought that another girl might talk to me she got upset.
She has never brought up divorce, never said anything but how much she loves me.
Doesnt she sound like a non -typical wayward?

Also, on a side note. I stopped speaking with my female friend. You were right. I was having an emotional affair.
I am missing all of the talk and emotional support from her. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts we would never be together long term.
So if my wife is going through anything like this than I feel for her.
But she chose her route. She has both me and the affair partner. WHich is what I call him to her now, instead of saying "relationship"
my wife maight be one of the types who has to know that she can lose me. I don't know what to do. I will try my hardest to not love bust.

"also. looking back on it.
She was never responsive to plan A. it made me appear weak. She kept telling me that I was trying to win her back and that I'd say and do anything to get her back."

Looking back on it, your ideas have not worked because you don't have a workable plan. If she was so responsive to your cold shoulder then why are you here? Do you think it's interesting that you are telling people who saved their marriages what works and what doesn't work?

Keep in mind, you don't have to do Plan A or Plan B.

I know you are trying to help.
My interactions with her are absolutely heart wrenching. Even on these drugs.
I have to say my agitation is coming out now. Maybe because my depression is lifting. I used to cry daily and almost for no reason. Now I feel different.
I guess i should watch myself around her. It's just text messages so I should be able to handle that.
I want phone conversation before we meet.

I hate this situation. I have no control over it.
I really want this feeling to stop. To not hurt anymore. and as long as I hold on I hurt. I also have no one to talk to about it. My guy friends are sick of hearing about it. Women are better listeners and I am choosing to cut that out too.
Honestly, if it wasnt for your recommendation I would have started contact again to help alleviate this.
You were right, I have both of these to deal with at once now.

Maybe it's time for plan B. The real thing. Don't wait for her to come to town. Just get going with a dark plan B now. Your feelings for her are eroding. That's when it's time to go to plan B. Make up your mind and do one or the other. Plan C is destined to fail.

zibbles.
You are probably correct.
before I used to look forward to the text messages, emails, and nice words. It kept me holding onto hope.
Although it is hard not to hear from her, I am beginning to fantasize not dealing with her anymore.
I am scared to start all over. To be completly single in my heart. I was holding onto being married.
Even though she had left I would not allow myself to imagine an end to us.
I don't know if its these pills but I am starting to realize that this very well can be how we end.
I decided that I should not try to contact her. She is leaving CA this weekend and headed for MI to be with relatives for thanksgiving. After that she will be here. For what and how long I do not know. She asked if we can go out to dinner when she comes back.
I will prepare as best I can for this. I will probably know which direction I should take once she comes into town and we meet. In my mind I'd like to be able to go out and have fun with her. Forget about everything that is happening for a little while. But we will see what happens.

Look. You're still not getting it. Pick a plan and execute it. NO half measures. If you're going to stop responding to her, do a proper plan B and close all avenues of contact. You will start to feel a lot better after a couple of weeks.

OR
Do a real plan A, where you continue to have pleasant contact and present yourself as the best option.

Do not straddle the fence. It will make a bigger mess of the mess you're already dealing with. You are waiting for her to come to town hoping she will be ready to return to the marriage and if she's not going to do that, you're going to lambast, shame and try and put your pain on her. IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

It could be that you're going to move on from this marriage. It seems like it. You don't have kids and she's already moved out.

Clean this up!! Close the door and if she wants to come back, she will move heaven and earth to make it happen. And if she decides to do it, you won't even know because you'll be in a dark plan B until her commitment level is so unshakable that she earns the privilege of breaking through.

You seem determined to do things your own way with half measures that just aren't going to help you in the long run. Make up your mind and stick with a plan!!