Hi, I'm new to this forum. My D-Day was a month and 4 days ago.
My WH and I have separated. He still hasn't initiated No Contact with the OW.
He says all the "right" things. I love you, I need you, I can't live without you, I always come back to you, I am not "with" Her.
He claims he's not reaching out to Her but he is responding to her texts/calls, and has even seen her in person at least twice.
So, I've maintained No Contact with him. And hoping he'll take action soon so that we can move forward and start counseling.

How long do you think I should wait?

The wrinkle here is that he suffers from depression (has for the past 4+ years) and started on a medication 3-4 weeks ago which apparently seems to be working. It's supposed to take about 4 weeks to really start working.

Anyway, I'm really starting to get angry and impatient. He said he knows things were never work out with the OW since she is mentally ill herself (or something). And he says he knows what everyone expects him to do now. But he isn't doing it.

In the meantime, I'm working with a relationship coach to work on myself and exploring what I want, who I am. Which has been great.
But... I can't be patient forever.

Just sending my question out to the universe.
Thanks for listening.

libbyto

Depression isn't a wrinkle. I would suggest you read the thread in MelodyLane's signature about Exposure and work on that, and Plan A. How are you in No Contact with him if you know that he's saying all these right things and his claims about not reaching out to her? Your IM shouldn't be telling you those things.

No, not Plan A. Do exposure, but not anything else from Plan A.

Your H has been gone for months now. He knows that you are willing to consider reconciling if he gives up the affair. You must not have a relationship of any kind with him, because that would require your watching his affair at close quarters. Doing that is bad for your health, and you have done it for too long already. You should have gone to a proper Plan B when he left - and that means you would not know all the things he says.

You are right. I found all of that out through my IM (his mom).
And... it was complicated by the fact that I had set up counseling out of fear a couple weeks ago. I used the counseling session to clear up some things.
He kept saying that the affair was triggered by something that happened 2 years ago - we were both diagnosed with an STD and he thought that I cheated on him and this sent him into depression and then the affair happened this year.
I did a lot of research on how the STD can be transmitted non-sexually and I did a polygraph to show I have never been unfaithful.
I was going to cancel the session but instead used to to present this info to him.
He realized how bad he's messed up.
So, now it's for real, No Contact. And now, there is nothing left to say. He knows what he needs to do if we are to move forward.
I just don't know how long I should wait.

I'm in No Contact now for real (see my reply to Woundednotbroken).
And we are separated so I am not in close quarters.
I learned my lesson for breaking NC when I called him out of fear and he was actually there with her. Claims to not have been "doing anything" and that it was not fun (I assume she's been crying/desperate; apparently threatening to hurt herself).
But yes, as I told Woundednotbroken, our IM has been his parents, who I am very close to.
For now though, now that I feel vindicated, there truly is no more to say or do on my end.
Although how long should I wait?

Your IM clearly does not understand her job, if she is passing all that information on to you. Basically her job is to pass messages about visitation with your kids, about finances, and about someone being in the hospital. That's it. She should be shielding you from knowing anything about the affair until it ends - not giving you a front-row seat by proxy.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? How old are you both?

What do you know about this affair? How did they get together? Is it a workplace affair? Is she an old girlfriend, or a neighbour? Did he pick her up in a bar, or on a street corner? How long had the affair been going on when you discovered it? Is she married? Kids? Does her husband know about the affair?

What led to the separation? Did he decide to leave, or did you kick him out? What specific event led to this?

To whom have you exposed the affair? If his parents are being IMs, that should mean that they know all about the affair. Do they? What are they doing to try and stop it? Do your parents know, and his and your close friends? Has anyone said anything to try and get him to stop the affair?

If you have kids, do they know about it?

Where is your H living now? Is he with his parents? Have they met OW?

Married 12 years. No kids. WH is 38, I'm 37.

They met in an online chatroom - he was researching chatrooms for his job at an online dating company. They started chatting with each other a few months later. Then she insisted on meeting him in person and he eventually gave in. He confessed the affair 10 months after the emotional affair began. She is not married; I'm assuming no kids. I don't even know her name.

He stayed at home for a couple weeks after D-day. He kept saying he needed to leave home. To deal with things. I didn't want to let him go. But after he abandoned me twice (the 2nd time, he left me on the street during one of our walks), I decided to kick him out. He had just started looking at apartments the next day anyway, but I wanted him out right away even though he wanted to stay until he found an apartment. He is staying at a friend's place now (renting), which is better.

Yes, his parents know. His siblings know. His friend (who he's staying with) knows. He's started telling more of his friends about it. Yes, everyone has been telling him what to do and he is withdrawing because of that, I think.

No one has met OW, nor do they want to.

I'm just getting tired of waiting. The more days pass, the more comfortable I get with being on my own. The more reasons I can think of to not want to save our marriage. Which is why I keep thinking about how long should I be waiting these past few days.

I would find out who she is and expose the affair. Since he met her in his line of work, I would add exposure at the workplace. Please take the time and read the thread on exposure in my signature.

How do I find out who she is? I won't be able to ask him (we're in NC mode). And even if I did, he likely wouldn't tell me.

Ok I will read the thread.

You have to figure this out even if you have to hire a PI. Have you looked over phone bills for a phone #? If she comes to his house, you could get her ID from her license plates.

What have you done so far to get her ID?

I haven't done anything.

I do not get his phone bills - his work pays for his phone plan.

He's been staying a friend's place. The friend is adamant about him not allowing the OW to come to the house. So, I naturally deduce he's been meeting at her place or somewhere other than where he is staying now.

I got nothing...

So how can you figure this out? It's critical that you find out her identity. Can you get a GPS on his car?

I would start brainstorming on this until you get her identity. Is your H facebook friends with her?

No he is too smart for that.

Waywards usually are not too smart when it comes to their affairs though. Can you hire a PI to tail him for a couple of days? It is highly unusual to go this long without figuring out the identity of the OP. Were you not curious about it?

Well, he is in the IT field so I think he's more savvy than you'd expect.
I could hire a PI but according to what my IM and other friends are saying at this time, it would likely be fruitless. They're saying that he's told them he's not seeing her. (the last time I know for sure he did was when I broke NC and called him - that was about a week and a half ago).
I guess wasn't curious enough. I guess I just hoped that he would just end it and we could move on. Yes, I was naive.

The key is to have him followed so you can get her identity. Of course the affair is active. Your IM and your "friends" would have no way of knowing if it would be "fruitless" or not. Many, many waywards are IT people and they are just as sloppy as anyone else.

Even so, you must find out the identity of the OW so you can expose the affair and hopefully kill it.


But, you could never move on if you didn't know the identity of the OW. How could you recover if your husband did not tell you the full truth? You could not. And it may well be too late but your only hope is to get the identity of the OW and expose the affair.

Lastly, I would not discuss this plan with your mother in law. She may pass it onto her son.