|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
i don't know when the affair started it could had stated 2 or 3 months before our last argument i don't know
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
i don't know when the affair started it could had stated 2 or 3 months before our last argument i don't know It started BEFORE she decided to leave, this is why she is leaving. She is blaming you to keep you off balance so you won't look at her. Are you reading my posts? Are you following the advice? You don't seem to be taking this very seriously. You have a small window of opportunity to save your marriage and you are doing nothing. Is there a reason you are doing nothing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Let me explain what has happened here. First off, women don't just up and leave unless they have an affair waiting in the wings. Sure, your marriage was bad, but it takes us months and years to persuade women in abusive marriages to leave. They almost always want to stay and work on the marriage.
Given that background, I assure you that what happened is your wife fell in love with this coworker and they developed a plan to leave their spouses and hook up. In order to justify this secret plan, they have to demonize their spouses and pretend like they are leaving DUE TO the problems in the marriage. Accusing you of being bad throws you off balance so you won't suspect the affair. The goal is to get you to take the blame for the end of the marriage.
Then, once she is separated she will pretend like she met this nice new man. That way people won't know she is having an affair.
I ASSURE you this is the scenario in your situation. You have been gaslighted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
@ melodylane
i'm sorry i have been reading all your post i think i'm being naive and not wanting to accept the situation and hoping for a chance
first exposure to work done
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
@ melodylane
i'm sorry i have been reading all your post i think i'm being naive and not wanting to accept the situation and hoping for a chance
first exposure to work done Good job! What about the rest of the exposures? It is critically important that oyu get them done in a very short time window so there is a tsunami effect. You do not have the luxury to dawdle, Sir. THIS IS YOUR BEST CHANCE. Do you want to save your marriage? Then you need to get to work and expose this affair. STOP DAWDLING. Tell your mother in law. TODAY Tell your 7 yr old. TODAY Tell your wife's family and friends. TODAY Tell the OM's family [via facebook] TODAY To whom did you expose at work? What did they say?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
at work have not heard anything yet ,and her family dont want to deal with it or get involve they say is you guys problem and on facebook she deactivated her account
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
whats the worse case scenario when it comes to my 2 kids ??? i might be moving out by the weekend what if she denies me to see my kids because i did this ??? the judge always favors the mom no matter what she did in the past or doing now ..what happens then ?? oh and the other man does not have facebook or any type of media but his wife does know about the affair but she said is nothing new to her since he cheated on her more the twice that's the reason she left him
Last edited by flames55; 11/18/15 07:39 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
whats the worse case scenario when it comes to my 2 kids ??? i might be moving out by the weekend what if she denies me to see my kids because i did this ??? the judge always favors the mom no matter what she did in the past or doing now ..what happens then ?? oh and the other man does not have facebook or any type of media but his wife does know about the affair but she said is nothing new to her since he cheated on her more the twice that's the reason she left him You should not move out. Don't abandon your family in their time of need. Many judges will frown upon your abandonment. You should EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. I don't understand why you won't do this. Did you tell your MIL? Did you tell your family? Did you tell your older child? Did you contact the OM's parents? I don't see you taking any action here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
at work have not heard anything yet ,and her family dont want to deal with it or get involve they say is you guys problem and on facebook she deactivated her account Her ENTIRE family does not care? I don't believe that. I think you are blowing this off and we cannot help you if you ignore the advice. Do you want to save your marriage or not?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
@melodylane
i'm following all the instruction your giving me i reach out to her family AND THEY DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVE! what do you want me to do and i'm not abounding them she wants me out SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE AND DON'T WANT TO SALVAGE OUR MARRIAGE I DON'T LOVE YOU in what other ways you want me to tell you SHE TOLD ME!!!!!! i couldn't fine and can not fine any of his family members he doesn't have any type of media and his wife knows already
Last edited by flames55; 11/18/15 09:11 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
@melodylane
i'm following all the instructin your giving me i reach out to her family Would it be too much trouble to tell me what you have done instead of posting these vague one-liners? i have no idea what you have done. To WHOM was the affair exposed? What did you tell them? What was their response? I shouldn't have to drag every detail out of you. Do you want my help or not?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
and NO i haven't told my oldest daughter i think is wrong to say such thing to her i believe that's the worst advice ever but we will talk to her why we are separating and i will not mention to my daughter that my wife slept with another man
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
all i done is expose her at work which i know it will haunt me because if she looses her job and not the guy that means more weight on my shoulders for me ,and must likely she'll take me to court and file some type of report om me so what i'm going to do today i will speak to her and asked to inform her family that she cheated on me and that she was or still having a affair and if she doesn't i will tell them, i will do that today we are both MONSTER HERE i abuse her verbally and she cheated on me with a married man we both have to take the blame 50/50 not just me ,shes to blame to.@melodyLane i'm glad you and your husband were able to salvage your marriage but my marriage will not be able to be save thank you for all your help i really appreciated but i have to see it in my own point of interest too for my kids i don't care about her anymore my heart is broken like hers is too, but she found someone and i have to let it go for my kids ,she is choosing to go that route and i'm not going to stop her,shes a grown woman and i will let her make her own mistakes and she can learned from them and by me leaving home before them is because that's what she wants, i never wanted too i told her i still love and i didn't care about her having her affair we all make mistakes and i forgive you , and she told me again in my face with furious eyes I DON'T LOVE YOU WHAT EVER YOU DO IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME WANT YOU AGAIN SO STOP!!!!so there you go
im going to stop and just focus on my kids because i want to see them everyday with no limitations or supervise visits.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
and NO i haven't told my oldest daughter i think is wrong to say such thing to her i believe that's the worst advice ever but we will talk to her why we are separating and i will not mention to my daughter that my wife slept with another man It is wrong to lie to children. It just teaches them to be dishonest and causes moral confusion. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and he would tell you not to lie to your child. You should tell her the truth about her life and give her moral guidance. If you don't tell her the truth, your wife and the OM will tell her lies. ABOUT YOU. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
all i done is expose her at work which i know it will haunt me because if she looses her job and not the guy that means more weight on my shoulders for me ,and must likely she'll take me to court and file some type of report om me so what i'm going to do today i will speak to her and asked to inform her family that she cheated on me and that she was or still having a affair and if she doesn't i will tell them, i will do that today we are both MONSTER HERE i abuse her verbally and she cheated on me with a married man we both have to take the blame 50/50 not just me ,shes to blame to.@melodyLane i'm glad you and your husband were able to salvage your marriage but my marriage will not be able to be save thank you for all your help i really appreciated but i have to see it in my own point of interest too for my kids i don't care about her anymore my heart is broken like hers is too, but she found someone and i have to let it go for my kids ,she is choosing to go that route and i'm not going to stop her,shes a grown woman and i will let her make her own mistakes and she can learned from them and by me leaving home before them is because that's what she wants, i never wanted too i told her i still love and i didn't care about her having her affair we all make mistakes and i forgive you , and she told me again in my face with furious eyes I DON'T LOVE YOU WHAT EVER YOU DO IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME WANT YOU AGAIN SO STOP!!!!so there you go
im going to stop and just focus on my kids because i want to see them everyday with no limitations or supervise visits. YOU are RUINING any chance at saving your marriage. And that is ok. If you want to ignore the advice and ruin your chances, that is your choice. You are IGNORING the advice that comes from Dr. Bill Harley, who has saved thousands of marriages. I won't post to you again because I do not have time to post to someone who is not serious. Good luck...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
YOU are RUINING any chance at saving your marriage. And that is ok. If you want to ignore the advice and ruin your chances, that is your choice. You are IGNORING the advice that comes from Dr. Bill Harley, who has saved thousands of marriages.
I won't post to you again because I do not have time to post to someone who is not serious. Good luck..
is not that i don't want to listen to you ,this is very difficult i will talk to my oldest kid but the rest i can not do anything about it your asking me to do the impossible when there are more resources
my family knows about it her family not yet but they will today and she has to go thru it like i am and thats why our marriage will not be able to be salvage and she told me in her own words and i believe her when she told me sorry for wasting your time but this is one that will not be able to be salvage as much as i want to but this one is serious
and the guy resign from the job one of the managers informed me a few minutes ago he got let go ,but i dont think it will stop my wife from seeing him she likes him and i dont think she cares if he had a a history in being abusive he made her fall in love and i can not do anything about but just wait
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! THAT IS A SEVERE TACTICAL ERROR. SEE AN ATTORNEY TOMORROW.
If she wants to separate that bad, she can leave.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
How is an unemployed divorcing dude going to meet her needs and be a fun date? He won't have any money.
If you want to divorce, do. You have every right to. But please don't roll-over and play dead for a nasty wayward. Also, don't agree to her moving the children from the marital home.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
@apples123
i told her family even tho they do not want to get involve but i did ...lets see what happens now ... okay don't leave the house got it ,but what if i got approved already to move to apartment ??is been really hard finding something i can afford i told her i will help pay for car insurance maintenance,phone bill and whatever else she would like me to help ,i asked her if she has been approved already and she answer she'll know by Friday and i offer why not put my name in the lease so you can get approved faster with both our names will get approved faster and she told me no is fine and walk away shes been so stubborn and naive she so wrap up with this man i can not believe the decision shes making
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 69 |
she hates me i never should had sent that letter to her work now she really hates me and told me if she looses her job shell never forgive me and she told me one last time
i dont freaking love you get it in your head with or with out a man there no chance in hell ill be with you ever again specially with what you did i swear to god will never get back together not in one year not ever, wont take the kids away from you but ill make sure ill make your life a leaving hell if i loose my job
thats what she told me right now
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
162
guests, and
61
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,964
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
