He didn't want to be home because he was emotionally detached. That can change if he gets a job where he is home every night. Yes, there is something you can do about it. You said earlier he offered to do this.

There is no reason to throw your marriage away when it can be saved.

Without knowing what it is it is understandable that you might believe me to be over dramatic. I can live with that. I am not willing to share that particular private information on this very public forum





Your posting style comes across as a bit judgmental to me. However, I believe you have good intentions and are trying to be helpful. So I will try not to sound defensive when I reply to you.



I agree. 1 or a few broken confidences and/or promises would not be enough unless I was a ridiculous person. However, I'm not dealing with 1 or a few. It would be easier for me to try to remember the promises my husband kept than the ones he has broken. And I can not count how many times I have shared something with him I did not want to be public knowledge that he shared anyway. But this was not a trivial confidence he shared. It was a major one, added to the piles of broken promises and broken confidences over the years. After awhile it becomes a matter of trust. How can I be happy with someone I can't trust?



I'm not looking for validation. I'm sharing my situation with others who have BTDT or helped others who have to get different perspectives to make sure I don't make a life changing decision using tunnel vision.



I never agreed to independent behavior but in fact, have tried discussing, negotiating and begging with my husband to work with me toward an interdependent relationship. He independently decided he wasn't willing to change jobs. I independently decided to try to find a way to make it work any way. Over time, I got tired of feeling like I was following him like a lost puppy, waiting for him to notice me and throw me a bone from time to time. So I did start living my life independent of him, as he lived his independent of me. Now its awkward and difficult when we're together. Neither of us are happy. I don't want to continue to be unhappy. I don't want him to be unhappy either.

Do you want help implementing MB? That is a serious question.

There is a solution to your problem and that is your H leave his job and you two don't spend time apart anymore. That issue needs to be on the front burner until it is resolved.

If you think that's wrong you are free to contact Dr Harley on the radio show, but I can assure you 100% certainty that he will tell you the same thing.

Here's the mistake. Instead of doing that, you put your foot down and say "No, I'm not going to live that way. It's all or nothing. Either we have a marriage, where we care for each other and are together, or we don't. If we don't have that, I'm not going to stick with you for years and years and years. If you want me, this is what you have to do to have me."

I'm assuming your father was a pedophile.

I don't remember what SSL means and I think I may be misunderstanding as a result.



I don't think stating a fact I believe to be true in response to a statement made is dismissive of advice. I do know about MB, I've been coming here off and on for 13 years, I've read all the concepts and several articles, several books and had a couple of sessions with Steve Harley. If no one can help me, then there is no help to be had. That is what I'm trying to find out.

Secret Second Life is a concept Dr. Harley talks about all the time. It will destroy a marriage.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily? You'll find tremendous help there.

So you think it can be saved, that its not too late, even with all the resentment I have built up? I would prefer to stay together, if we can have a healthy, open and interdependent relationship. I do love him, I just don't like him very much lately.

I think it could be saved if you'd do this:


And even if it weren't saved, you'd be better off. This is a lot better than waiting for it to die a lingering death.

Either way, you come out better and healthier and happier. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Ok I do understand we have no hope unless he changes jobs so he can be home more. I'm just afraid we won't be able to stand each other at all if we're together every day. We've never had that. What if he makes that huge change, and we don't make it any way? What if he changes jobs and resents me for it?

If he makes that change, we and Dr. Harley can help the two of you learn to love being together.

We CAN help you if you will follow the MB program. You have never followed it and as such, are faced with a crumbling, unhappy marriage. The program does not work unless you use it.

Are you here to change that? Your marriage is entirely salvageable if you and your husband will use the program.

This is what the program says to do in your situation:

What if you end up divorced because you refuse to use this program? Won't you both be resentful? On the other hand, if he moved home and was home every night, you would be able to create a passionate, romantic marriage. No one would have any resentment if that were the outcome.

Not just more - every single night. Never a night apart. Ever.

When you try to soft-pedal on such a simple MB principle, it makes it look like you are not serious.

I wish I had done this. I wasn't confident enough back when I made those decisions. I was afraid he would say "ok, then go". It took me getting to the point of withdrawal where I was fine with living without him, if he didn't want to make the changes so I would stay, before I was confident enough to tell him basically what you said above.

I'm just so angry with him at the moment, I don't want to talk to him or be around him. Its hard to be rational in discussing a plan to improve our relationship through that haze. I am trying. I know this moment of anger will pass. I don't know if I will ever trust him again with anything I want to keep private, however.

Do it now, follow the program.

If he joins you, you will feel trust again.

If he does not, you will be better off without him, and the program will lead you to that when the time comes.

Either way, you win a happy and healthy life.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily?

Thank you for reminding me what SSL meant. My husband most definitely has a second life that I'm not a part of, though since I'm aware of it, its not secret. But it doesn't have to be secret to be destructive. I agree whole heartedly this is the root of our problem. Time will tell if he means it, this time, when he says he's willing to make the change. Since they became empty words every time before, I have little faith that it will be any different now. He will have to show me change for me to believe him.

Are you going to follow the MB program then and tell him it's all or nothing?

markos please delete your post regarding my father. It offends me.