I have told her she is free to give me feedback.. I give her the license to tell me anything that bothers her and I am here to listen.

What is my love buster?... I think we talked about the fact that I disrespect her for her hideous behavior and she acts like someone with a severe mental disorder... Dr Harley says that it's OK to think something disrespectful, but it's just not OK to verbalize it. So I'm not verbalizing that in any way.

She criticizes everything I do and how I do it.. she really just hates me right now... it's not really a love buster. All she really says that is causing her to not want to be with me is a) not giving her all my money and b) 14 years of mis-treatement.. which is illogical because you can't mistreat someone for that long and still be in love with them. It's got to be something else besides a love buster.

The kinder and nicer I am to her, the more she hates me. She says that she "misses" the sarcastic remarks I used to make... but if I make the slightest joke, it offends her.. as if she has NO emotional skin and is hyper sensitive to everything I do. I am nothing but kind to her. I smile, I compliment her, when she abuses me... I simply say "It appears that you might be angry about something.. I'm here for you if you want to talk". .that's all. I have not changed at all in 14 years for the negative.. I have gotten more sensitive to her feelings, I have taken more interest in the children, I do 100% of every family activity she wants me to, I offer to help in the kitchen.. I buy her things when she asks for something; I go to whatever restaurant she wants to, I com right home after work for dinner... When I go to my men's church group I give all kinds of good advice of things I do to be a good husband and father that most men haven't even thought of. I am baffled by what else I could do or not do.

This is not as if she met me fell in love.. for 14 years or so, then I suddenly developed a drinking problem, or started beating her, or stopped working... I've matured, become a better husband, a more dedicated father.. nothing has changed for the worse.

Too pushy as though she has to provide a reason for saying no, and the jab at her lack of enthusiasm is pure folly.

Try:

"I'm going to (insert activity she adores); want to come?"

Then when she says no, you accept it cheerfully in a sexily confident way and you keep up a gentle, flirtyness as though you respect her decision - but can't help asking and hoping for a yes.

You DON'T punish or make her feel she owes you a pity date. What are you going to get from that?

The point is in the asking, the offer. The point is not the getting; there's certainly no point in being demanding. That's your lovebuster right there.

Lovebusters tend to be born of desperation.


Poor idea to tell a non wayward how they are feeling,(DJ) instead of asking. With a wayward, you're inviting outright contempt.



That is to be expected with a wayward. That's like saying snow is cold. You deal with it if you have chosen Plan A. You respect her feelings just as you would if she were not crazy selfish and cruel. You show her the possibilities while accepting her addiction blinds her to them. Utterly. While hacking at the A.

Don't reason and lecture someone without benefit of sense. It backfires only on you.

You realize none of that was actually asking her on a date , right?

[spoiler][/spoiler]Any time you tell someone their feelings are not real you are being disrespectful.

my goal is to show her empathy not disrespect and not fight back. What should I say?

Indie- if you read previous posts, he has been extremely disrespectful and has no idea.

TM - you need to review Dr. Harley's articles on disrespectful judgements. Also Markos has several posts, including one just a day or so ago in MB101. You have been told repeatedly, You Are not supposed to psychoanalyze your spouse , it is inherently disrespectful. You are assuming she is irrational.

You also need to plan and ASK for a date. Do not assume, which is what your lunch question did.

Personally, turning you down for lunch was completely rational. You arent fun to be around and you cant be troubled to ask her for a dat. If you had asked that way for the first date, you would never have married.

It helps if you dont presume she will conform to MB priciples until you change your behavior and follow the principles.

Ok, I agree. I will change the way I have been going about it. The part that frustrates me is that she expects me to give her money and do everything else she asks me to, but she is putting nothing into to marriage... I feel like such a fool giving into her extreme selfishness. I will try the less demanding approach and see what happens. Perhaps, I will make a goal to ask her to do something 3 to 5 times a week with no demand or expectation and see what happens.


I don't know why the disrespect thing keeps coming up about the psycho analysis. Dr Harley has addressed this many times. It is OK to have thoughts... and thinking psychotic behavior is psychotic or thinking having an affair is immoral is fine and justified. He says that voicing it serves no useful purpose for the goal of saving a marriage. He has made that point on his radio program multiple times.

I do think I am showing disrespect in other ways though... I am trying to avoid it, but it's hard to thread the needle. For example, telling her to stop abusing the kids is disrespectful... but I am trying to protect them. Limiting the amount of money she has access to is also disrespectful, but she got an apartment on the other side of the country, filled it with furniture, and spent the entire summer sitting on the beach while I worked full time and took care of the kids. If I did not limit her access to our funds, we would be bankrupt. Plan A is really hard when being taken advantage of this way and the WW's behavior is so destructive. I appreciate the suggestion on how to avoid the love busters while trying to avoid being walked all over....

As long as you psychoanalyze your wife, your marriage will not get better.

Protect yourself and your kids. That is not disrespectful.

Study the articles. Listen to your VAR. Identify your DJs. Then eliminate them. Your VAR is a powerful tool for this.p

Dr Harley has clearly stated that even he an experienced clinical psychologist, should not pyschoanalyze his spouse. He has certainly not given any of us leave , do so.

I believe he said that he would not give his own spouse a diagnosis... but he did not say anything about having his own opinions. If your spouse was an alcoholic or drug addict would you ignore that? If you spouse is showing extreme symptoms of illness what do you do if you care about them? What if my wife had a brain tumor...and that was causing all this? Again, I have not voiced any of thus to her...if anything, the idea of her having possible mental illness has made me more compassionate and tolerant towards her. It has helped me a lot avoiding love busters... in the past, I might have taken her behavior personally and gotten angry. I have all but eliminated ALL anger... I might get frustrated with her... but there is no anger what so ever.

I have written Dr Harley about this topic... I will let you know how he responds.

No, it hasn't.

If I thought my wife was in her right mind being this evil and abusive... I would divorce her as fast as possible and get away.

Would you like to do Marriage Builders?

Read: she must be crazy if she doesn't fall in line with whatever i want.

YES! I want to woman back that I married and the kind of marriage according to the marriage builders principles... meeting needs, POJA, of course that is what I want.

But you are not following the plan. Instead, you argue and justify your disrespectful judgements.

No part of Marriage Builders involves psychoanalyzing your spouse. No part of Marriage Builders allows you to speak about your spouse the way you do here. You are not following the plan.

You CONSTANTLY talk about how crazy you can think she is.
She knows exactly what you think of her. There is no way you can talk about this all the time and not behave accordingly.

You have also said that you have taken her to multiple shrinks who can only diagnose her with personality disorders, thing is, if you know the DSM-V, EVERYONE can be diagnosed with personality disorders. Basically anyone doing something other than what the observer wants has a personality disorder. There is also NO imaging or histologic evidence of personality disorders, while all other categories of diagnoses have evidence outside the mind of the practioner.

From Markos post in MB101

By the way, here is a list of ways I've compiled over the past few years that I or other people I've heard about have been disrespectful to their spouse.

sarcasm
criticism
judgment: stating that their perspective is wrong
"should"
lecturing/attempting to educate
gestures, facial expressions, body language
expressing surprise or shock at an opinion or feeling or belief
saying that something is "obvious" (in other words, you "should" realize this or "should" know it)
disrespecting your spouse's feelings instead of accepting the fact that they do feel that way

guilting, shaming
hyperbolizing
always/never
exaggerated words
scolding
name-calling, labelling
saying or doing something you know your spouse identifies as disrespectful

comparisons: if I had done such a horrible thing as you, I'd be doing more to make up for it

defensiveness

minimizing -- "just" -- you just say that because ... [Translation: I don't have to address your complaint.]
psychoanalyzing your spouse
explaining away your spouse's feelings or complaints

attributing motivations
blaming, fault-finding
expecting them to read your mind


I statements may help, but are not an excuse for a disrespectful judgment:
I feel like (DJ)
I feel unloved.
I feel like you don't love me.